"But how if You're not the first, God?
How if he came in between us?"
How if he came in between us?"
"That is the risk I'm willing to take...
Because I love you."
Because I love you."
More than 3 months has passed since the day I said yes.
I mean to R, not God. Hahaahaha.
Because it feels like He has challenged me so many times this past few months, I lost count on how many times I gotta grit my teeth and decided : YES. Ok God. Yes.
The thing about this journey with God..
It's not always rainbows and unicorns. But it's going to be worth every tears.
And throughout this 3 months, God has taught me a few things from this relationship that I NEVER IMAGINE I would ever feel/do/experience. Ever.
But hey, if God could use the murkiest water and turn it into the best wine, well. Wine it is!
But hey, if God could use the murkiest water and turn it into the best wine, well. Wine it is!
The first month was like a whirlwind.
Love struck lol. I got caught up in this 'new thing.'
Love struck lol. I got caught up in this 'new thing.'
I smiled nonstop.
Looking forward for 6PM (more than the usual lol) because I knew who's waiting for me hehe.
OK stop there before anyone dies of diabetes (or nausea lol).
Looking forward for 6PM (more than the usual lol) because I knew who's waiting for me hehe.
OK stop there before anyone dies of diabetes (or nausea lol).
But to be honest, there's this part of me that was constantly worried if this 'new thing' could slowly take over God's place in my heart.
I remember one workshop in TLG bible camp about counterfeit gods.
I remember one workshop in TLG bible camp about counterfeit gods.
Things or people or habit (anything, not necessarily bad stuff tho) that we hold so dear they took God's place in our hearts. Because the plain truth is, I kinda lost my appetite for God.
It's like I snacked too much before lunch, so when lunch time came I was not THAT hungry.
Well. I was not THAT hungry for God.
And I knew something's not right. Hence, the battle.
Because honestly I don't know if this is just temporary (like a kid with a new toy, she forgot her mom for a while) or if this is going to be a constant battle of choices...
One day, while applying my makeup (dandan lol) I conversed with God,
"You know what's going on, Dad. You know I'm scared of losing You. I told you before, right?
If my heart can't handle R, please just take him away. But You've given him anyway, Dad.."
If my heart can't handle R, please just take him away. But You've given him anyway, Dad.."
"I know."
"But how if You're not the first, God? How if he came in between us?"
He replied,
He replied,
"That is the risk I'm willing to take, Daughter.. Because I love you.
I'll risk Myself. Because I love you.."
I'll risk Myself. Because I love you.."
....
....
My heart swelled.. #soloved
And then came the K-Drama lol.
I mean HAHAHA literally Korean Drama here. We were in Korea wkwkwkwkwkw.
I spare you the detail but there's this girl who cried her eyeballs out while sitting on flower pot (a big one, no worries).
Thank God it was already dark back then. And thank God FOR God.
While I was in the midst of the turbulence, He helped me untangled my chaotic heart.
And He helped me to communicate to R what's going on.
WHICH WAS NOT EASY AT ALL!!! GRAAAH!
Thousand things, not enough words.
But God was my translator.
He translated and put words in my mouth.
And He filtered. Oh how He filtered wkwkwkw.
In the midst of the chaos, I turned to God (because honestly, who could handle your heart better than the One who created it, right?)
A nagging girl to her dad, I complained,
"ARE YOU SURE?" What I mean is. Are You sure about R?
LOL. Ok so I have no right to condemn the Israelites as one ungrateful nation because HEY THAT'S ME. Wkwkwkw. The first thing I wanna do was to run back to 'Egypt' when I know clearly where my promise land is.
And that night, my devo was like..
Ecclesiastes 4 (NLT)
9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.
OK LA GOD OK. No turning back then. Wkkwkwkwkwwkwk.
When the brain said OK GOD but the heart, well, not really OK,
He told me,
"Do you know this longing in your heart? The constant longing for quality time with R?
It's just a fraction of the longing in My heart for YOU to COME and spend your time with Me.."
..I was. Er. Lost for words.
All this while.. I thought I should be the one who longs to be in His presence.
But the fact is.. He desires me.. He wants to lavish me with His love whenever I choose to draw near.
Ohwow.. God.
K-Drama aside.
The recent drama includes this one girl who walk from Tanglin to Balmoral in a drizzling rain, subtly crying her eyeballs out. MALESIN. wkwkwwkkwk.
I think I've used up my tears allowance for 1 month (or 2) for that particular weekend only.
It's okay if you roll your eyes by now. I'm doing it myself while typing right now lol.
But again. Even when I feel like LOSING IT, His love held my heart together.
We've talked. But unlike the K-drama, this talked kinda led nowhere wkwkwkw.
You know how it feels when you carry something in your heart that you're not supposed to carry.
It's still there even after we talk. The opposite of a peaceful heart.
Well. I called upon my Father. The One who knows my heart.
And I told Him I let go. I let go of R.
NOT THAT KIND OF LETTING GO.
More like.
Whatever You want, Dad.. I let him go to you.
The things that I couldn't handle, R is yours.
Not about what I want or what I need. This is Yours from the start.
And you know what? The burden was instantly gone.
The storm was over when He's on my boat.
The next day, we met.
HOW I MISS R. lol lebay.
It's just a short dinner before R continued working. But this meant the world to me.
Haha seriously tho.
As usual, R reached out to hold my hand while saying grace.
A short less-than-2-mins kind of prayer.
But my heart leaped and I told God,
"GOD, YOU WOULDN'T KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS MAN"
and He instantly replied,
"KE, YOU WOULDN'T KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS MAN, TOO"
...ok this is too overwhelming.
But in that instance I kinda get a glimpse of God's heart for R.
How much He loves R..
What I feel, that overwhelming love, is just a teeny-tiny fraction of God's magnificent, grandeur love for His son.
I love R because He wanted me to love R. As simple as that.
Later at night, before I went to bed, I thanked God for the day and for R and for the chance of seeing him OT because he won't ever get a chance to see me OT (because I only OT 30 mins max lol).
"God, you know my heart.. I'm amazed by how much I could feel for someone who was a complete stranger to me a few months ago. You know how much I love R? Like tsunami lol."
And out of nowhere, this question popped out :
"But how if R loves you lesser than you love him? Like drizzling rain."
Hmmm. How if R love me lesser than mine to him? Like drizzling rain? Becek2 doang lol.
Then, He reminded me..
I love because He first loved me.
The measure of my love to R actually reflects the measure of love I have received from God.
So I love like this because I have received THIS MUCH of love from God.
God asked me back,
"So? How if R love you lesser than you do?"
In that moment, it's like God unveiled my heart. He shone His light.
And nothing is hidden from Him.
Well.
I remember how I used to want people to love me back the way I love them.
I give my entire heart because I expect them to love me wholeheartedly.
But this time..
It doesn't matter.
If R love me a little. Or a lot.
For me, it does not matter anymore.
Because I have all the Love I ever needed.
And this Love is more than enough.
What's left for me is to love R by this kind of Love.
The kind that Love fearlessly, without restrictions of wanting anything in return.
For me, this Truth liberates me from expectations and disappointments.
I put my hope on the One that has loved me since the beginning of the world.
And His love will never run dry.
It is such a privilege to be able to taste a glimpse of His heart..
Such a privilege to be able to love like this.
Knowing that I can continue giving, and never lack anything..
Because this Love sustains.
OKEH BERAT YAH.
I know I know there's a lot to learn and there's a lot of mountains and valleys to be conquered.
But above all, He reminded me to enjoy this season.
This roller coaster ride.
There'll be a lot more of unexpected turn and dive and roll.
I can close my eyes and scream and continue holding on to the safety bar out of fear.
Or..
Or I can choose to open my eyes, put my hands up in the air, and enjoy the ride.
So here's my gratitude to You, Father.
The One that has started everything.
The One that sustains.
And the One that will see through everything to its completion.
And You complete beautifully.
I love you, Father.
And to the person that is seated next to me in this roller-coaster ride : please bear with me wkwkwkwk.
I love you.
1-2 Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.
Ephesians 5 MSG
Love like that.....
My heart swelled.. #soloved
And then came the K-Drama lol.
I mean HAHAHA literally Korean Drama here. We were in Korea wkwkwkwkwkw.
I spare you the detail but there's this girl who cried her eyeballs out while sitting on flower pot (a big one, no worries).
Thank God it was already dark back then. And thank God FOR God.
While I was in the midst of the turbulence, He helped me untangled my chaotic heart.
And He helped me to communicate to R what's going on.
WHICH WAS NOT EASY AT ALL!!! GRAAAH!
Thousand things, not enough words.
But God was my translator.
He translated and put words in my mouth.
And He filtered. Oh how He filtered wkwkwkw.
In the midst of the chaos, I turned to God (because honestly, who could handle your heart better than the One who created it, right?)
A nagging girl to her dad, I complained,
"ARE YOU SURE?" What I mean is. Are You sure about R?
LOL. Ok so I have no right to condemn the Israelites as one ungrateful nation because HEY THAT'S ME. Wkwkwkw. The first thing I wanna do was to run back to 'Egypt' when I know clearly where my promise land is.
And that night, my devo was like..
Ecclesiastes 4 (NLT)
9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.
OK LA GOD OK. No turning back then. Wkkwkwkwkwwkwk.
When the brain said OK GOD but the heart, well, not really OK,
He told me,
"Do you know this longing in your heart? The constant longing for quality time with R?
It's just a fraction of the longing in My heart for YOU to COME and spend your time with Me.."
..I was. Er. Lost for words.
All this while.. I thought I should be the one who longs to be in His presence.
But the fact is.. He desires me.. He wants to lavish me with His love whenever I choose to draw near.
Ohwow.. God.
K-Drama aside.
The recent drama includes this one girl who walk from Tanglin to Balmoral in a drizzling rain, subtly crying her eyeballs out. MALESIN. wkwkwwkkwk.
I think I've used up my tears allowance for 1 month (or 2) for that particular weekend only.
It's okay if you roll your eyes by now. I'm doing it myself while typing right now lol.
But again. Even when I feel like LOSING IT, His love held my heart together.
We've talked. But unlike the K-drama, this talked kinda led nowhere wkwkwkw.
You know how it feels when you carry something in your heart that you're not supposed to carry.
It's still there even after we talk. The opposite of a peaceful heart.
Well. I called upon my Father. The One who knows my heart.
And I told Him I let go. I let go of R.
NOT THAT KIND OF LETTING GO.
More like.
Whatever You want, Dad.. I let him go to you.
The things that I couldn't handle, R is yours.
Not about what I want or what I need. This is Yours from the start.
And you know what? The burden was instantly gone.
The storm was over when He's on my boat.
The next day, we met.
HOW I MISS R. lol lebay.
It's just a short dinner before R continued working. But this meant the world to me.
Haha seriously tho.
As usual, R reached out to hold my hand while saying grace.
A short less-than-2-mins kind of prayer.
But my heart leaped and I told God,
"GOD, YOU WOULDN'T KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS MAN"
and He instantly replied,
"KE, YOU WOULDN'T KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS MAN, TOO"
...ok this is too overwhelming.
But in that instance I kinda get a glimpse of God's heart for R.
How much He loves R..
What I feel, that overwhelming love, is just a teeny-tiny fraction of God's magnificent, grandeur love for His son.
I love R because He wanted me to love R. As simple as that.
Later at night, before I went to bed, I thanked God for the day and for R and for the chance of seeing him OT because he won't ever get a chance to see me OT (because I only OT 30 mins max lol).
"God, you know my heart.. I'm amazed by how much I could feel for someone who was a complete stranger to me a few months ago. You know how much I love R? Like tsunami lol."
And out of nowhere, this question popped out :
"But how if R loves you lesser than you love him? Like drizzling rain."
Hmmm. How if R love me lesser than mine to him? Like drizzling rain? Becek2 doang lol.
Then, He reminded me..
I love because He first loved me.
The measure of my love to R actually reflects the measure of love I have received from God.
So I love like this because I have received THIS MUCH of love from God.
God asked me back,
"So? How if R love you lesser than you do?"
In that moment, it's like God unveiled my heart. He shone His light.
And nothing is hidden from Him.
Well.
I remember how I used to want people to love me back the way I love them.
I give my entire heart because I expect them to love me wholeheartedly.
But this time..
It doesn't matter.
If R love me a little. Or a lot.
For me, it does not matter anymore.
Because I have all the Love I ever needed.
And this Love is more than enough.
What's left for me is to love R by this kind of Love.
The kind that Love fearlessly, without restrictions of wanting anything in return.
For me, this Truth liberates me from expectations and disappointments.
I put my hope on the One that has loved me since the beginning of the world.
And His love will never run dry.
It is such a privilege to be able to taste a glimpse of His heart..
Such a privilege to be able to love like this.
Knowing that I can continue giving, and never lack anything..
Because this Love sustains.
OKEH BERAT YAH.
I know I know there's a lot to learn and there's a lot of mountains and valleys to be conquered.
But above all, He reminded me to enjoy this season.
This roller coaster ride.
There'll be a lot more of unexpected turn and dive and roll.
I can close my eyes and scream and continue holding on to the safety bar out of fear.
Or..
Or I can choose to open my eyes, put my hands up in the air, and enjoy the ride.
So here's my gratitude to You, Father.
The One that has started everything.
The One that sustains.
And the One that will see through everything to its completion.
And You complete beautifully.
I love you, Father.
And to the person that is seated next to me in this roller-coaster ride : please bear with me wkwkwkwk.
I love you.
1-2 Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.
Ephesians 5 MSG
Comments
Post a Comment