it's not a diary. it's a JOURNAL

“Kezia, I need you to dream again.” Earlier in my current season journey, when the promise was still a seed I barely believed in, I asked the Lord, “Teach me how to have hope. Because I know there will be times when I can’t see a thing and I’ll be tempted to doubt everything You ever said.” “When it’s the hardest to believe, I want you to start dreaming. Dream beyond today, beyond what your eyes can see, to the future you know I’ve prepared for you. Dream will be the antidote of the pain in your waiting. It’ll work like a ‘laughing gas’ in the midst of the delivery of the promise.” It was a few months ago and today, He reminded me to dream again. Maybe it’s because I need HOPE the most and I need it NOW more than ever. But before that, I gotta go back to the beginning, retelling the stories of what God has done this week. Oh the wild wild journey with Him… It was a normal Monday. I had the weekly Pastoral Track discussion in the morning. I arrived an hour earlier, so I decided to read

“It’s like someone’s dying right there.”  LOLOLOL I scared my housemate with my crying and wailing this morning. I’m so so sorry Gracie. Well, maybe she’s not wrong after all. Someone’s dying at that moment. Me.  I died to myself. It started a few days ago. I didn’t feel it anymore in my heart. I never experienced the real baby kicking inside my belly, but that’s what I felt in my heart. It’s like there’s no “movement” or “kicking”. I feel like something’s out of alignment. Something just doesn’t feel right. Initially I thought that it’s because I didn’t give AB a hug. The Lord asked me 2 weeks ago to give him a hug during a main session worship and I reasoned, “But it’s weird. But he’s so far. But..” and the moment’s passed and I forgot about it. So I thought if I did that one thing, surely the promise would come alive and kicking again. I mustered my courage and I gave him a hug. HAHA. I’m so short and I had to jump a little. It was a good hug. But still. I know that God was quiet an