An Undivided Heart

“It’s like someone’s dying right there.”

 LOLOLOL I scared my housemate with my crying and wailing this morning.

I’m so so sorry Gracie.

Well, maybe she’s not wrong after all. Someone’s dying at that moment.

Me. 

I died to myself.

It started a few days ago. I didn’t feel it anymore in my heart.

I never experienced the real baby kicking inside my belly, but that’s what I felt in my heart.

It’s like there’s no “movement” or “kicking”. I feel like something’s out of alignment. Something just doesn’t feel right.

Initially I thought that it’s because I didn’t give AB a hug. The Lord asked me 2 weeks ago to give him a hug during a main session worship and I reasoned, “But it’s weird. But he’s so far. But..” and the moment’s passed and I forgot about it. So I thought if I did that one thing, surely the promise would come alive and kicking again.

I mustered my courage and I gave him a hug. HAHA. I’m so short and I had to jump a little.

It was a good hug.

But still. I know that God was quiet and it’s not because of this one thing I missed out 2 weeks ago.

Gently, He reminded me of the past when I put the weight of the unknown future in my relationship with my ex. I thought I needed a partner to dream when all God wanted was to give me His. So I thought,

“Did I do it to AB? Did I put him on the pedestal because I want to have something to hold on to in my future?”

I can feel the Lord’s fire. He’s burning the impurities in my heart. He’s exposing the underlying motives. There are things that I’ve done because I wanted AB to notice me, to see me. 

I realized that I’m trying to make things happen. I strived. But why? I thought I was at rest.

So I called Febe. Because I felt like I’m not ready to face Him head on. HAHA KEZIA!

But before I even called Febe, I stumbled upon a video on Facebook about a baby with a ‘unique’ habit. When his mom unzips his onesie, I could see all sorts of stuff he stuffed in his jumpsuit :  a squishy ball, a watch, a wallet, a hundred dollar bill HAHA HILARIOUS.

And the Lord said, “Yes Ke. That baby is you.”

I thought, “Huh? Did I pick up things and stuff them somewhere in my heart? What did I pick up?”

And that one phone call with Febe revealed A LOT. HAHAHAHA. Lord.

I spare you the detail of the conversation. But here are my takeaways:

1. The reason for my applying for 3rd year is “cheap” compared to my yes in first year.

2. Partly because I do not want to go back to Indonesia. Not yet. I don’t feel ready. I don’t think I’m equipped for the battle yet.

3. Partly because I wanted extension of time because I can see that my time here is approaching an end AND I can’t see AB happening.

So yea. That’s my cheap reasons. All the fears. All the unbelief. Cry. So much cry.

“Kak, bukannya itu yang kakak mau? Bukan kakak, tapi beneran Tuhan yang kerja?”

I felt the gentle tug on my heart. The Lord is calling me home. 

(Home as in His heart, His love. Not home heaven. Not yet I guess HAHA)

Ok Papa. Speak to me. I’m listening.

Every sentence He spoke to me shook the core of my being. Hence, the wailing. (Sorry Gracie)

He reminded me of the chapter that He highlighted on A.W. Tozer’s The Pursuit of God. 

It’s the story of Abraham and Isaac. Where Abraham’s affection towards Isaac grew so much (understandably because he’s been waiting for Isaac, the promised child, for SO LONG) to the point that, Tozer said, it is “UNHEALTHY”. And God wanted to deal with the core issue of Abraham’s affection : his heart. So God asked Abraham to lay him down on the altar, knowing that there’s no way Abraham can afford to have another god in his heart. His life is too precious, his destiny is too great for such thing. He is meant to be the father of faith. God is jealous for Abraham’s heart. So when Abraham laid down his prized possession on the altar, now God can become Abraham’s only heart possession. His only treasure.

“I highlighted this chapter to you because I know that you’re going to need it NOW, Ke.”

*Wail. Wail. Wail.*

And then He took me to the revivalist report that I wrote a few weeks ago.

There’s a little piece about Heidi Baker that I included in that report as a comparison to another revivalist. 

How she chose to lay down this guy she’s in relationship with because she chose the Lord and then the Lord led her to Rolland Baker. The rest is history.

“Ke. You always know that your marriage is never about you. It’s about Me fulfilling My call and destiny in you and your partner’s life. You know that you’re waiting for the man I’ve shaped to run with you. Someone who’ll match your yes. (Because not everyone’s built for that kind of terrain). Someone who’s willing to go the distance for Me. Someone who’s unflinching in the face of adversaries. Someone who’s carrying the legacy that will be your children’s.

You know exactly what you’re waiting for. Because I’m the One who let you in on My secret.”

“Now. Will you lay AB down on My altar. If he’s your Rolland Baker, you’ll know it. But if he’s not, I’m leading you to your Rolland Baker.”

*LOTS and LOTS of wailing here*

So I finally unclenched my fist and let go.

“Ok Lord. If you want me to be in Indonesia, I’ll follow. If you want me to lay down this promise of AB, I’ll lay it down once again. After all, this is YOUR PROMISE. You can do anything with it. It’s Yours in the first place.”

At this point, I don’t have any strength left for a wailing. Tears streamed down my face.

He reminded me of this one verse He’s given me right after I said yes for BSSM.

“Fasten me upon your heart as a seal of fire forevermore. This living, consuming flame will seal you as my prisoner of love. My passion is stronger than the chains of death and the grave, all consuming as the very flashes of fire from the burning heart of God. Place this fierce, unrelenting fire over your entire being. Rivers of pain and persecution will never extinguish this flame. Endless floods will be unable to quench this raging fire that burns within you. Everything will be consumed. It will stop at nothing as you yield everything to this furious fire until it won’t even seem to you like a sacrifice anymore.”

‭‭Song of Songs‬ ‭8:6-7‬ ‭TPT‬‬

At the same time, I was listening to “Insatiable” from Jesus Culture:

You’ll never stop until you have it all

So You can have it all

My heart and soul

You’ll never stop until You have it all

So You can have it all

Your love is an all-consuming fire

Your love is an all-consuming fire

And all that You ask for is surrender

Your love is an all-consuming fire

…You are worthy of an undivided heart

IT WAS AN INTENSE FRIDAY MORNING. WOW LORD. Y U NO CHILL?????

Fast forward to a few hours after the intense morning wailing.

I took a bible class about Mary, the mother of Jesus. IT’S THE BEST CLASS IN ALL 3 TRIMESTER HANDS-DOWN. I mean, God already spoke so much about Mary so it’s kinda in my alley, too.

But last Wednesday, I lost the last 30 mins of the class because I had one-on-one with my RGP.

So I just got the recording and I decided to do it first because I KNEW that there is something special the Lord’s hidden for me in there.

…another wailing session I guess.

Last week the highlight of the class is:

WHAT GOD WANTS TO BIRTH THROUGH YOU HAS TO BE CONCEIVED SUPERNATURALLY.

THE LORD WILL PROTECT WHAT HE WANTS TO BIRTH.

This time is all about.. Mary’s surrendered yes.

Through her surrender to the unknown, God birthed the impossible in her.

Jesus is not just for Mary. He’s for the WORLD to be saved.

The promises of God in my life is not just about me. It’s about the people that’s going to be impacted, it’s about the future legacy of faith God wants to build through me.

And like Mary, would I be willing to call myself “God’s servant?” Would I be willing to give up my rights to my desires of wanting a certain things to look like a certain way?

Because Mary’s life is an invitation for us to a deeper life of devotion. Of laying down our lives, our dreams, our agendas, our reputation, all for His glory. And all of this requires me to say yes.

Mary’s yes is not a static yes. Her yes set something in motion in her life. She conceived something in her that is supernatural. It is impossible. Her yes carried strength, depth, power, and profoundness that will potentially mess her life. But it will also birth the God of heaven.

This is the kind of yes He’s inviting me into. A yes that won’t be fully understood. A yes that does not have clauses. A yes that does not have parameters. A yes that comes from a fully surrendered life.

And if God wants my life, He can have all of me.

So I said yes again. A yes that I do not fully understand. A yes that potentially will mess up my life.

Yes to Indonesia. Yes to no 3rd year. Or 3rd year. Yes to letting go of AB. Yes to loving AB until the end of my season here. Yes to allowing God to have the final said over everything, over my dreams, over my heart’s desires, over my future.

Is it a costly yes? For sure.

But again. He is worthy of my undivided heart.

He is worthy of my yes.

Be unto me according to Your will, Father. I surrender.