It’s 1AM in Redding, CA. I should’ve been asleep by now. Or at least doing one of the 2 homework that is due in 8 days HAHA. But my heart knows that I need to do this now. Now, before I lose heart. It’s been a while since God’s nudging me to write this one particular aspect of my adventure down and I kept delaying and delaying. I feel God’s saying,
“Now, Kezia, now. Declare My promises now. Now is a crucial time. Now is the turning points that leads to an entirely new future. It’s crucial that you partner with Me now. Declare My promises now.”
So here goes. This is me walking on water.
November last year, I was sitting cross-legged on my bed. Talking to the Father. I remember struggling about my heart posture every time I was exposed to a new aspect of revival that was SO BEYOND my box. I was struggling with comparison and the pressure of having to sound or look like anyone else when encountering Him.
But He talked to me about something else entirely.
“Are you sure you TRULY BELIEVE ME for THAT. Because if you do, you’ll have HOPE for that, Ke.”
And I totally understood what He’s saying to me. He highlighted a certain someone around me and I was totally scared to even admit that he caught my attention. So when He asked me that question, He actually exposed the part of my heart that I rather covered up forever. I realized that I did not have any expectation of God’s bringing me a partner. So I told Him simply,
“Honestly. I don’t think I have hope for that. I don’t know how. But I want to. Teach me how to have hope, Papa.”
I forgot all about it until a few days. It was after RG (Revival Group). I went to Chick-Fil-A with a bunch of random friends which was the first time after a few months we’re here. (And even until now, this was the only random gathering I’ve been in so far).
I was enjoying my nugget when a friend’s friend who’s a stranger to me came and sat near me. I could sense him staring so I looked at him and smile. And then he said,
“Sorry. But by any chance are you praying for a husband?”
I was utterly baffled. I just spilled what the Lord’s telling me about having hope for it. And he said,
“While I’m sitting beside you, I just heard this.. I don’t have any time frame for this. But all I heard is “Your husband is coming soon.””
…
He then continued by saying about how costly the wait is but that this person is personally vetted and shaped by the Lord for the calling I have in the future, so it’s going to take a while.
And I cried. Over my chicken sandwich and nuggets and milkshake.
I cried because I understood that God was answering my prayer : He’s teaching me to have hope. He wanted me to ask because He wants to GIVE ME the answer of my prayer. He is my good Father who wants to release this great gift in my life, but He needs my partnership in trusting His promise again.
So the adventure begins.
I struggle with the thought of praying for this person (for the sake of blogging, let’s call him AB). Let’s be honest, I didn’t know this guy. I met him. But I don’t get WHY I should pray for him. Then one day God asked me to ask him for a ride to church. Which is a normal thing for me, asking for rides since I’m not driving. But then I realize that I DO NOT WANT to do this. There’s this pride in me that feels like admitting that I need help from someone that is not even a friend is a BIG NO. But He just loved when His kid learned humility HAHAHA.
So I texted him. IT WAS HARD. But the next day, I understood why God asked me to pray for him. It’s a short trip, I lived around 6 mins drive from church/school. But during that short period of time, for the first time ever, I got to see the real AB. He shared a little bit about his struggle pre-BSSM. And he instantly earned my respect, which is NOT SO TYPICALLY ME. But I saw how God has brought him to hidden, low, hard places. I could see his journey of humility, and one of my core value is this.. Humility. Humility looks SO ATTRACTIVE to me because I know, by experience, that it takes SO MUCH COURAGE to say yes to the “fiery furnace” that brought us to our knees. It even takes more courage to stay in that furnace and letting God completes His work in us.
But even then, there’s nothing much significant happenings yet. I still couldn’t see AB and I together. We’re not even friends, more like.. acquaintances. Until near Christmas and we suddenly were given a chance to lead worship together and considering this was our first time serving together, it seemed so easy and so natural. We received feedback that people felt like we’re so in synch it felt like we’ve been practicing many times.
Still, I found it hard to believe that this could be anything at all.
And then new year came.
I was talking to the Lord about next year. If I’d be in Redding for new year. Or if I’d be in Redding at all.
What I heard from Him was.. something else
“Ga dong, Kezia. Taun depan kamu ga di sini. Soalnya kamu udah married.”
I was……. “Ok, God. If You say so.”
He goes, “KOK GA BISA EXCITED SEDIKIT APA???”
Lol TBH a part of me did not believe what He says at all.
But then I chose to get out of my room and shouted to my housemate that was on the sofa reading her Bible. “DEVINA, GUESS WHAT??”
..She’s more excited than I was. HAHAHAHAHA.
I realized that I could just let this sit on my brain and in my heart. But I know that doubt will come and eventually will win over the word God’s given me. I learned that my words shape the world around me, that’s how I partner with God. When I speak what He speaks, I speak His will into reality. So no matter how CRAZY this might sound coming out from my mouth, I told Devina everything I heard from the Lord.
That was in December and since then, A LOT had happened. Last week, Papa Bill preached about this, about speaking in agreement with what the Lord is saying. When the Israelites complained over and over again, their complaining is actually the language of unbelief. And normally we complain because we have lost sight of Him. Fear leads to unbelief. And writing all this in retrospect actually helping me to see this truth, of the reality that was shaped by the word I chose to say even when there were PLENTY OF ROOM for unbelief.
If you wanna know what happened, first of all, I came to term with the lies I’ve been believing about myself. One thing I realized clearly was that I could be SO FREELY ME in front of many people, but not with him. Like when I encounter the Lord and I happened to sit near AB and I suppressed my sobbing HAHA. God showed me that I’ve believing a lie that “I was too much”. Like somehow I tried to downplay the fire that was burning within me because some people might not like how I expressed my burning love for the Lord.
The next thing He exposes in me was my self-defense mechanism. I hide. Inside, every time I saw AB, I hide. Not physically, more like mentally. I talked about it with Febe and I realized that it was because I was responding to his walls. Oh boy. He, too, has his walls. I mean, I saw that he could be so free with other people. But when I was around, he withdrew himself. I withdrew, too. Febe says, “MAU SAMPE KAPAN KAKKK?”
So when Febe asked the Lord what to do (oh I didn’t mention before that we play a lot of prophetic games. We basically asked the Lord on behalf of other people and it helped to train my hearing/seeing, too. We’ve seen CRAZY visions related to the some people around us. In fact, one of the thing that kept me going in believing the Lord that AB was the person He highlighted to me was because we saw vision of us, a glimpse of our wedding day, our future kitchen HAHA. It’s TOO WILD to be explained. Oh I love the prophetic.) the Lord says, “Your warmth will melt his ice.”
So I have to be the brave first. Brave to choose to step out of my go-to self defense mechanism. This, too, was when I finally decided to journal my daily prayer for Him. The title of this journal is, “A Love That is Cultivated in The Secret Place.” I might even write a book about this somewhere in the future LOLOL. Basically how I prayed for him, I just asked for the Lord what should I release for him today and I just prayed that over AB. Again, this is me partnering with the Lord. I mean I’ve learned from my previous journey (IYKYK) that nothing could come out wrong when we pray for someone. I learned that journey of prayer always purifies my heart from hidden agendas and I found myself learning to love unconditionally. Plus, I got to learn to pray for my husband in the future, covering him from head to toe. So. WIN WIN!
One week after the journey of praying (I just realized the timeline because I gotta look it up from some texts HAHA), we got to lead worship again. This time, we got to hang out a little bit and shared our current personal journey with the Lord. Remember AB’s 6-minutes-sharing that earned my respect? Yep. I was right. Because hearing more from him and his journey actually only confirmed what I knew before, God has brought him low because he’s prepared for a HUGE CALL in his future. And he couldn’t even see it now. But I did. I saw his gold. To add on to that, a few hours later, I found out that both of us were sharing personal testimony with our home group back to back. IT WAS INTENSE. Well, at least for me HAHAH. It’s like an inside joke all the time with the Lord. Like this one time when AB was talking about God teaching him how to love (IKR??) I felt God gave me a teasing smirk and a nudge, “Beda kan Ke, sama yg dulu? Aku bawa yang qualitynya beda dong.” I had to hold my laughter because it was a somber moment. LORD!
Two weeks into this journey, God did something entirely out of the box. It was a Wednesday morning, and I have prepared my lunch for school when the Lord said,
“Today AB’s going to be hungry. He’s going to take you for lunch. Bring a banana instead.”
I was.. WHAT?? I MEAN. I NEED MY RICE. Like, come on, Lord. This is a price too high to pay. How if I got hungry and HANGRY!!!
But of course, I obeyed. I gave my yummy lunch to Devina, this girl is blessed.
At school, I was hungry. Dang it, Lord!!
But then one thing lead to another. I randomly talked to 2 friends from the same pastoral track and both said they were given instruction about going home to their nations. And then worship for the main session started. And God spoke as clear as day. (Maybe because I was hungry hmmm)
“Ke, I know you’ve said you’d lay down everything. So now I asked you this question : Would you go back to Indonesia?”
And I know that what He meant by going back is in the long run, I’d be committed to serve my nation and tbh THIS WAS THE LAST THING I EXPECT HIM TO ASK FROM ME. I told Him many times, “Send me anywhere. BUT there.” But I knew this is coming. This question. In the back of my mind, I knew. But still.. If you wonder why the thoughts of coming back to Indonesia scares me, it’s more about me realizing that God called me to the Church and for all I know, the culture of Indonesian churches actually SCARES ME to bits. In fact, a friend’s friend just came to visit Bethel a few days ago before this happened. She was ‘groomed’ under a certain church leadership and we trade stories. For all I know, the ‘damaged’ that I’ve seen was the fruits and what she’s experienced was more like the ‘root caused’ of the fruits.
PLUS! I don’t get it. He asked me to pray for AB who’s definitely not Indonesia and then He asked me to go back. Did He just cancel the first thing He’s spoken over me?? I couldn’t seem to reconcile these 2. My understanding hit a wall.
I cried and cried and cried and cried. He won’t relent. And of course I said yes. My little squeaky yes. This is not a blind yes. I was fully informed of the condition of the soil He called me to. Yet, I still trust that He’s MUCH BIGGER than my fear.
“Of course, Papa. You know I love you. You know before I even said it to You, my answer is always yes. To You, it’s always a yes.”
And then I cried some more HAHAHA.
Right after that, a friend of mine, a mother I looked up to, who sat beside me opened her eyes after worship and she looked at me and said,
“OH WOWWWWW! I see new season over you.” When I asked her to clarify what she saw, she said she saw the barren tree and snow, winter. Then suddenly she saw flowers came out from the ground, leaves grow from trees. It is a new season all over me. That was right after I said yes to God.
I forgot totally about the dang lunch because I was so overwhelmed, but cut the story short. We ended up going to Chipotle with one other friend. GOD DID IT AGAIN! And I found out that I love Chipotle HAHA!! Again, I just realized that AB was the first person who knew about my yes to the Lord. I didn’t get it. Somehow God wanted me to share the truth about my future call to him.
I just realized it but something new always happened every week. Because the following week, during RG, Hayley Braun, a prophet of the house, a lay-down lover and tbh one of my favorite people in school environment, spoke to us. It was one of the marking moments in my life of BSSM2. We were declaring this song, “I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid. Show me Your glory.”
It’s as if I declaring this to the “giants” of religion that inhabits my promise land : I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU. I admit to the Lord that I don’t understand what He’s doing to me. What about AB? I grow in my love for AB. And I can’t see him following back to Indonesia. He doesn’t look the type that follows just anyone. I wrestled with my questioning. But I keep declaring, “I am not afraid.” And this is how I postured my heart..
“You know what God? I love if I can do this with AB. I want him in my life. But even if he didn’t get to choose to be with me in this, I will go the distance just for You. So here I lay down my questions and my doubt and my not knowing. I don’t have to know HOW You’re doing it. All I know is You’re doing it again. And again, You can have my yes.”
And right after that, Hayley spoke that some of us has decided to go ALL IN. We’re running after the Lord, we’re not afraid of what’s coming our way.
I felt something broke off of me right after that. I found myself bubbling with joy. And the next thing I know is that I was with AB, going to Chipotle. Again. HAHAHAA. I was bubbling with so much joy, I talked to AB nonstop on the way. And I felt so much freedom just enjoying my food. We even talked about the name of our future kids LOLOLOL what??? But at night, I realized that what happened when I laid down everything on the altar was that the wall that used to confined me in was not there any more. And like Febe said, my warmth melt his ice. Because the next I know, he suddenly texted me. And it continued to the next day.
I was in awe of God. I didn’t know what He did in the background. All I know is that I am enjoying this so much HAHA. I used to hide behind the fear of disappointment that masked itself behind the reason of ‘common sense’. And it may sounds so logical: “Yauda gausa dipikirin. Don’t look too much into things. Udah jalanin aja.” But behind them, lies the fear of ‘how if God doesn’t come through?’.
I learned that doing life with God requires us living in the tension of knowing what God says and at the same time seeing the opposite happened before our eyes, YET in between, still choosing to FULLY agree with what God says. No holding back. I don’t have to hold back. Because I trust that the One who invited me in this journey knows exactly how to protect my heart. All kinds of self-attempt to defend my own heart will only end up in me building walls or simply going back to unbelief. There’s so much freedom to live childlike. Vulnerable to the Father’s heart, hanging on every word He said. It may look like a fragile hope to the world. But it is founded upon this total assurance that we are truly and completely and immeasurably loved by our Father. I learned that with God, we will never fail. What looks like a failure is actually God bringing us to a completely different ball game of faith.
It’s just so crazy that every time I laid the whole idea of AB and I down, something came up just to remind me that this was God’s idea before it was in my heart. One time, he invited me to his birthday (while I was unsure if I was even his friend. But apparently, he considered me one haha). Other times, it’s as simple as he showed up randomly and chose to sit near me when I didn’t expect it the most.
Anyway, if you asked me where I am right now. Here I am. All in. Running after the Lord with all that I’ve got.
A few days ago, God showed me a vision. I was on a horse. I can see the great landscape before me. And I can see God’s opening the wooden gate slowly. I can feel myself brewing with excitement and anticipation. I want to be OUT THERE in the wide open space. Running on full speed.
But then I looked back and I saw AB trying to decide if he’s able to make it on the horse. And I heard the Lord saying, “I’ll take care of him. Focus on the door, not on him. When it’s open, GO, KEZIA! Go! If he’s ready for this adventure, you’ll soon see him running side by side with you. This is an adventure of a lifetime!”
And just yesterday, I was in the prayer team during the Prophetic Conference on Friday night. I almost bailed HAHAHA. I was tired after a day in Sacramento, but I felt like I need to be there.
Yes. All came to pass.
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