"Why obedience feels like burning bridges?"
I asked God that question a few hours ago.
Last weekend was NGS Worker Camp. I was not there.
Technically, I was not listed under NGS anymore.
Just came when help is needed.
But see. What's visible to the eyes were never what they seem.
I know I didn't go the the camp. Simply because God didn't want me there.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
So one cici asked me to go. Knowing the speaker and all that,
MY HEART REALLY WANNA GO, YOU KNOW!
But then I told her.. If anyone ask me to go, beside you, I'd go.
I mean.. Udah kebanyakan sok ngide (read prev post), gw bertobat lah ya.
Udah mau maranatha ga bertobat jg, piye?
Turned out nobody asked me.
Instead, there was this COOL (cell group) equipping meeting.
Hmmm.. TECHNICALLY, I wasn't a leader or even wakil.
But ya, thank God I registered despite the tug war in my heart, I came.
Emang ya. He really knows how to position us so well.
To think that we can plan our future ahead of God..
Predicting ujan pas lunch aja ga becus gw wkwkwkwkw.
The highlight of the COOL meeting, for me, was the anointing session.
It was only a short 15 mins? I kinda lost the time tho.
Because when I stopped and stood, the love of God washed over me.
Apalagi when our pastor said, "Meekness, is not a weakness,"
HADUH BANJIR BANDANG KAKAK.
IDK what's that but His presence enveloped me.
It was like my heart was hugged. Embraced by my Father Himself.
And all I did was.. YES APALAGI? Crying. I cried. And cried some more.
I went back to where I seated. I stood there.
And cried. I couldn't help myself. It's not the kind of tears that came with SNOTTY STUFF.
More like.. A quiet one.
I heard ibu ibu ngobrol di kiri after they came back to their sit.
But I just closed my eyes and cried.
SO.. WEIRD. Beautifully weird.
Anyway, just now because I was KEPO.
I Googled "meekness."
Here's what I get :
"Meekness is strength under control. Someone who's humble, teachable, and patient under suffering.
(Like.. Under the suffering itself, I kinda have no choice but to endure, right? Mau ga mau ya jadinya patient hmmm.) Modest and lowly in Spirit (ok ini ongoing lah semua ya. wkwk).
MY POINT IS..
I was where God wanted me to be.
Not in NGS worker camp.
That was last weekend, and today..
I understand a little bit more about God's plan in my life.
BUT BEFORE THAT.
He opened up SOOO MANY THINGS around me.
Some are definitely uncharted waters. I was like, "WELL GOD. THIS IS NEW. PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE. LOL"
He opened up SOOO MUCH MORE that got me frustrated (well, or challenged. Depends on my perspective hahaha).
Knowing that things weren't the way God wanted them to be.
Knowing that I was placed where I can be trained.
And training means STRETCHING.
Training means "get ready to be super uncomfortable, Ke."
Training means frictions..
Flashback a little bit to the previous week.
I heard something that's really a trivial stuff.
My smart-ass brain knows that I shouldn't be offended.
But, my heart was suddenly in DEEP PAIN. Ok ga lebay ya.
I went home nangis2. And then I asked God, "Hello Boss! Why so lebay ya my heart?"
And the Boss sit with me.
And He revealed THE ROOT.
The root of my pride.
Like. You know in movies, where the SUPERSUPERVILLAIN came into view.
Nah kaya gitu.
OMG.
He brought me back to my childhood days where my dad wasn't around for few days every week.
I asked mom, "Where's papa?"
And she'll be like, "Not home yet."
And I'll be, "Umm ok. When would he be back then?"
And she couldn't really answer me because she, too, didn't have any idea.
That was the time where little Keke took up her position as a defender of the house.
Well, since the man of the house wasn't around, I'd be one. Defending my sister, and my mom (to some extend).
TBH, what was I thinking? But well, little child just did what she gotta do.
And THERE! That was the ROOT of my pride, where self-reliance started.
(Mungkin ini kenapa gw ga takut gelap, or insects, or whatever animal yang biasanya bkin cewe2, and now cowo2 juga, scream. Maybe because a defender must not be scared of trivial stuff).
When God brought everything up in the open, IT WAS SO PAINFUL.
LIKE HE DID A REAL HEART SURGERY.
I remember talking to my sister and ci Tina and they're saying stuff like,
"Ooohh this is God preparing you for His promise blabla."
I didn't believe anything they said for a bit. All I saw was darkness. The pain blinded my eyes. For a while, thank God.
Because after the "surgery", God took every root out.
And in the soil of my now tender heart (kaya sirloin steak gitu ya), He showed me a little girl who felt unwanted by her father.
Unloved.
Because if he really loved her, he wouldn't go.
But this wound, God stretched His hand over it, and it was healed. Like new.
I understood now..
The wound was never treated because the pride hindered God from reaching the deepest part of my heart.
It was a night to remember.
OK SO.
Back to the training ground and frictions.
The friction is necessary in the training ground.
Why?
Because He reminded me that I am being trained to be a sword (ada deh di blog yang "Sword and Shield".
He told me that I've been forged by the fire, the water, and the pressure (of course).
And when He released me from the bondage of my pride, it's like He unleashed His sword, to be used.
Ya ga tau mau digimanain. Baru dijajal dikit2 sama Tuhan.
Itu aja udah ngagetin. I was like, "God! Bilang dulu kek kalo mau dipake wkwkw."
He put words in my heart and in my mouth. He rebuked through me.
(Makanya kena hajar duluan ya. You can't give what you don't have, right? lol bgt).
I heard testimony about NGS camp.
They're only WA message, but they brought tears to my eyes.
Right there and then I know WHY GOD DIDN'T WANT ME THERE.
Because I would definitely go back to NGS with a blink of an eye HAHAHAH.
For me, loving them kids is just natural.
I saw them looking at God with eyes wide open. I saw myself in them (asik dah).
And instantly I WOULD DIE FOR THEM.
Like. Attaching my heart to them kids is just so easy.. for me, it's natural.
The testimonies. You know what's funny?
Both people who shared with me (or was it 3 people? hmm. ya itulah).
They wished I was there. They wanted me there.
WELL I WANTED THERE.
But somehow, they knew. It is over.
(Macam putus ya. Tapi emang gitu lah kira2).
So yea.
I was just started praying for new season in 2019.
And the first thing that He opened up to me was this :
It's obvious that my NGS season is over.
NOT THE PASSION. The passion for the next generation is there.
Stronger than ever.
But for now.. My NGS season is over.
And a few hours ago, my heart admitted that.
Yes. Ke, it is over.
DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS? DECLARING SOMETHING THAT IS DIRECTLY OPPOSITE TO WHAT YOU REALLY WANTS?
..
..
It feels a lot like lighting matches.
I watched the flame. And I let it drop.
And there you go.
I burned the bridge where I used to walk.
I cried for 15 mins.
I asked God in between ingusan,
"Why obedience feels like burning bridges?"
"Because, Daughter. I can't have you running back.
Not when the Promise Land is so near.
I want radical obedience because that's the only tool you need for what's coming next"
And then He gave me new visions.
Well. Glimpses of it.
Not entirely new tho.
More like. He narrowed everything down.
And what were seen as puzzle pieces, are now flipping and shifting.
This vision tho.
Is so.. so.. so much bigger than me.
But if it's not big, it's not God.
So right now, I hold on to the Father's arms.
Don't let go, Father. Don't let go.
I know You won't lead me where you don't go.
You are my good good Father forever.
I asked God that question a few hours ago.
Last weekend was NGS Worker Camp. I was not there.
Technically, I was not listed under NGS anymore.
Just came when help is needed.
But see. What's visible to the eyes were never what they seem.
I know I didn't go the the camp. Simply because God didn't want me there.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
So one cici asked me to go. Knowing the speaker and all that,
MY HEART REALLY WANNA GO, YOU KNOW!
But then I told her.. If anyone ask me to go, beside you, I'd go.
I mean.. Udah kebanyakan sok ngide (read prev post), gw bertobat lah ya.
Udah mau maranatha ga bertobat jg, piye?
Turned out nobody asked me.
Instead, there was this COOL (cell group) equipping meeting.
Hmmm.. TECHNICALLY, I wasn't a leader or even wakil.
But ya, thank God I registered despite the tug war in my heart, I came.
Emang ya. He really knows how to position us so well.
To think that we can plan our future ahead of God..
Predicting ujan pas lunch aja ga becus gw wkwkwkwkw.
The highlight of the COOL meeting, for me, was the anointing session.
It was only a short 15 mins? I kinda lost the time tho.
Because when I stopped and stood, the love of God washed over me.
Apalagi when our pastor said, "Meekness, is not a weakness,"
HADUH BANJIR BANDANG KAKAK.
IDK what's that but His presence enveloped me.
It was like my heart was hugged. Embraced by my Father Himself.
And all I did was.. YES APALAGI? Crying. I cried. And cried some more.
I went back to where I seated. I stood there.
And cried. I couldn't help myself. It's not the kind of tears that came with SNOTTY STUFF.
More like.. A quiet one.
I heard ibu ibu ngobrol di kiri after they came back to their sit.
But I just closed my eyes and cried.
SO.. WEIRD. Beautifully weird.
Anyway, just now because I was KEPO.
I Googled "meekness."
Here's what I get :
"Meekness is strength under control. Someone who's humble, teachable, and patient under suffering.
(Like.. Under the suffering itself, I kinda have no choice but to endure, right? Mau ga mau ya jadinya patient hmmm.) Modest and lowly in Spirit (ok ini ongoing lah semua ya. wkwk).
MY POINT IS..
I was where God wanted me to be.
Not in NGS worker camp.
That was last weekend, and today..
I understand a little bit more about God's plan in my life.
BUT BEFORE THAT.
He opened up SOOO MANY THINGS around me.
Some are definitely uncharted waters. I was like, "WELL GOD. THIS IS NEW. PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE. LOL"
He opened up SOOO MUCH MORE that got me frustrated (well, or challenged. Depends on my perspective hahaha).
Knowing that things weren't the way God wanted them to be.
Knowing that I was placed where I can be trained.
And training means STRETCHING.
Training means "get ready to be super uncomfortable, Ke."
Training means frictions..
Flashback a little bit to the previous week.
I heard something that's really a trivial stuff.
My smart-ass brain knows that I shouldn't be offended.
But, my heart was suddenly in DEEP PAIN. Ok ga lebay ya.
I went home nangis2. And then I asked God, "Hello Boss! Why so lebay ya my heart?"
And the Boss sit with me.
And He revealed THE ROOT.
The root of my pride.
Like. You know in movies, where the SUPERSUPERVILLAIN came into view.
Nah kaya gitu.
OMG.
He brought me back to my childhood days where my dad wasn't around for few days every week.
I asked mom, "Where's papa?"
And she'll be like, "Not home yet."
And I'll be, "Umm ok. When would he be back then?"
And she couldn't really answer me because she, too, didn't have any idea.
That was the time where little Keke took up her position as a defender of the house.
Well, since the man of the house wasn't around, I'd be one. Defending my sister, and my mom (to some extend).
TBH, what was I thinking? But well, little child just did what she gotta do.
And THERE! That was the ROOT of my pride, where self-reliance started.
(Mungkin ini kenapa gw ga takut gelap, or insects, or whatever animal yang biasanya bkin cewe2, and now cowo2 juga, scream. Maybe because a defender must not be scared of trivial stuff).
When God brought everything up in the open, IT WAS SO PAINFUL.
LIKE HE DID A REAL HEART SURGERY.
I remember talking to my sister and ci Tina and they're saying stuff like,
"Ooohh this is God preparing you for His promise blabla."
I didn't believe anything they said for a bit. All I saw was darkness. The pain blinded my eyes. For a while, thank God.
Because after the "surgery", God took every root out.
And in the soil of my now tender heart (kaya sirloin steak gitu ya), He showed me a little girl who felt unwanted by her father.
Unloved.
Because if he really loved her, he wouldn't go.
But this wound, God stretched His hand over it, and it was healed. Like new.
I understood now..
The wound was never treated because the pride hindered God from reaching the deepest part of my heart.
It was a night to remember.
OK SO.
Back to the training ground and frictions.
The friction is necessary in the training ground.
Why?
Because He reminded me that I am being trained to be a sword (ada deh di blog yang "Sword and Shield".
He told me that I've been forged by the fire, the water, and the pressure (of course).
And when He released me from the bondage of my pride, it's like He unleashed His sword, to be used.
Ya ga tau mau digimanain. Baru dijajal dikit2 sama Tuhan.
Itu aja udah ngagetin. I was like, "God! Bilang dulu kek kalo mau dipake wkwkw."
He put words in my heart and in my mouth. He rebuked through me.
(Makanya kena hajar duluan ya. You can't give what you don't have, right? lol bgt).
I heard testimony about NGS camp.
They're only WA message, but they brought tears to my eyes.
Right there and then I know WHY GOD DIDN'T WANT ME THERE.
Because I would definitely go back to NGS with a blink of an eye HAHAHAH.
For me, loving them kids is just natural.
I saw them looking at God with eyes wide open. I saw myself in them (asik dah).
And instantly I WOULD DIE FOR THEM.
Like. Attaching my heart to them kids is just so easy.. for me, it's natural.
The testimonies. You know what's funny?
Both people who shared with me (or was it 3 people? hmm. ya itulah).
They wished I was there. They wanted me there.
WELL I WANTED THERE.
But somehow, they knew. It is over.
(Macam putus ya. Tapi emang gitu lah kira2).
So yea.
I was just started praying for new season in 2019.
And the first thing that He opened up to me was this :
It's obvious that my NGS season is over.
NOT THE PASSION. The passion for the next generation is there.
Stronger than ever.
But for now.. My NGS season is over.
And a few hours ago, my heart admitted that.
Yes. Ke, it is over.
DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS? DECLARING SOMETHING THAT IS DIRECTLY OPPOSITE TO WHAT YOU REALLY WANTS?
..
..
It feels a lot like lighting matches.
I watched the flame. And I let it drop.
And there you go.
I burned the bridge where I used to walk.
I cried for 15 mins.
I asked God in between ingusan,
"Why obedience feels like burning bridges?"
"Because, Daughter. I can't have you running back.
Not when the Promise Land is so near.
I want radical obedience because that's the only tool you need for what's coming next"
And then He gave me new visions.
Well. Glimpses of it.
Not entirely new tho.
More like. He narrowed everything down.
And what were seen as puzzle pieces, are now flipping and shifting.
This vision tho.
Is so.. so.. so much bigger than me.
But if it's not big, it's not God.
So right now, I hold on to the Father's arms.
Don't let go, Father. Don't let go.
I know You won't lead me where you don't go.
You are my good good Father forever.
Bakar! Bakar! Bakar!!!! ;)
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