God's been good.
Hey ya'll! I am 29!
And all I can say is : GOD, YOU. ARE. GOOD.
My beloved couple, Ko Ceka and bebeb Vanie gave me PSALM 139 AMP
[Ngeblog sambil dengerin ini sejuta kali on repeat. Ini baik lagunya maupun masnya yang nyanyi tuh kesukaan Roma wkwkwkwk. Aku kangen sama Roma deh jadinya. ANYWAY]
Ok, let's see what's next.
Oh. I've been trying to walk in God's calling with my own strength.
Alias SOK NGIDE.
Seriously tho. Kenapa gw suka sok ide.
I thank God for a gracious, loving, SUPERPATIENT God, who never stops blocking my self-made route towards destructions.
Ok here's a summary of ide2 sok brilliant yang kalo ga diancurin Tuhan, will certainly ngancurin gw:
1. For good Indo now (padahal dulu paling ga mau)
2. Cabut kerja (padahal ga tau mau kemana)
3. Ga renew PR (ini gw ga ngerti fondasi dari pemikiran ini sebenernya apa)
4. Mau balik TLG (udah ga ada woy, adanya NGS now)
5. Mau pindah COOL (ini benernya dari lama. karena ngerasa ga kepake gitu "underused". Sekarang ngikik sendiri memikirkan HOW PRIDEFUL I AM LEL)
6, Mau pindah gereja (biar lebih goncang aja dunianya macam panggung dangdut)
7. Mau daftar seminary WKWKWKW loh namanya juga ide? Jangan hujat aku.
Basically what's been going on before the 7 brilliant ideas above could even formed,
I feel like God is saying, "Soon, Ke."
Soon He would make REAL His plans for me, unveiling a little bit of my calling to me.
Well. How SOON is God's SOON, really?
And come to think about it, God has prepared me to leave what I love behind.
Check list:
1. Family (my real one la ya). Physically been away for a decade. But it's the emotional attachment that God has meant. It was around 3 or 4 yrs ago? I think I blog somewhere about it. That's why it's easy to surrender them into God's hands. And last weekend, I could see how God never withheld any good thing! How He processed my mom and dad's character. The way they see God and His plans. The way they surrender. And how God calls Febe deeper. Hiks. God. Ga pernah berhutang.
2. Family (in Christ). Udah banyak lah gw bercuap di mari. My mentors. My brothers and sisters.
3. Yang paling susah 2 itu sih. Because of the emotional attachment, I guess. The rest, like changing of routines, schedules, accountability, ok lah, not so hard compare to the first 2.
4. Singapore. And basically a decade of my life.
But. He closed every door.
And the restlessness that came from trying to accomplish God's dream by own limited strength almost kill me. Lelah kakanda.
So, yes. I've been through hell.
The kind that was made by MYSELF.
Until God, in all His kindness and mercy, see this one stubborn but helpless daughter.
He came to my rescue.
Once again.
Last Sunday, as we enter the month of WORSHIP, the sermon was about Abraham tests of faith.
Mindblown fact : how the Bible first mention the word "LOVE" is in the same passage where the word "WORSHIP" is first written. Genesis 22.
How God asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son, the one he LOVES.
And Abraham told everyone that he's going to go up to the mountain to WORSHIP.
Truly, it takes LOVE to worship.
Abraham wouldn't be willing to give up the precious promised son, Isaac, if he didn't know God and His character. If Abraham ever doubted God's love, THAT VERY MOMENT WHERE GOD ASKED HIM TO GIVE UP ISAAC, is actually the right moment to start doubting.
But no. He immovably trusting God all the way.
If Abraham loved the promise more than the Promiser, he would start to question God. Or maybe outright denying that it is God.
Because, come on, it is so NOT GOD. Asking one to kill his own son?????
But yes. God never asked us to do what He wouldn't want to do Himself.
He gave up Jesus.
Ok moving on.
At the end of the sermon, during the closing prayer, God asked me..
Would you give what you love the most to Me? The most precious thing that you hold dear, for Me?
And then, GA CUMAN NANYA, He showed me what I love the most.
The thing that I've been holding on to.
The thing that has been the number 1 factor which determined the choices that I've made. How I invest my time, energy, tears, prayer, money.
So with tears streaming down my face, I whispered to my Father..
"Father. I give you back the dreams You've given me. I give you back the promises that You've made. Because I love You."
..
And some more tears.
And some more.
Even writing this down brought tears to my eyes.
Let me explain a bit.
My life started in Singapore, where I was finally able to make my own choices in life.
And since God made Himself real in my life, I fell in love.
Ya ga langsung. Ada prosesnya dong macam PDKT.
I could chase after my career advancement. Ngumpulin pengalaman dan duit berlimpah (gaya).
Had I choose that path, I might be able to give more to my parents, right?
Instead, God wanted me to stay. So I stayed. Of course my parents asked why I didn't pursue further.
But they trust me. They trust God.
So I chose God. And I chose to trust that my family is secure in God's hands.
(That's why I can say Tuhan ga pernah berhutang. He really takes care beyond my expectation as I surrender).
All the journey with TLG, day in day out. Obedience over obedience (sambil nangis sambil nulis).
It's because of God. And the promises He has made over me.
Ok so. God showed me what is the most precious thing in my life : God's calling and promises.
The question is : can I choose NOT to give them all back to God?
Can I give something else as an act of worship.
Ok good question wkwkwkwk.
What I realize this past season is, God takes away all my comfort zone.
When I thought I have lefr my boat to walk on water, He showed me that I still have my hand hanging on a rope. Then He asked for my life vest. He asked for my oxygen tank.
Families and brosis aside. I was left with no boyfriend. Potentially, no house (ga lah nanti pasti dikasih kok. Burung aja punya sarang), even the newfound (and only) sister to whom I could share and see eye to eye, FOR GOOD DONG. Ini cici yang baru dimention sekali di blog. Udah cus aja.
But I know it is Grace that brought us together, Ci. Ah God's been good!!
So now, what I have left is God.
Or so I thought.
Because apparently, what's been weighing my heart down so much, to the point that I wanted to have it my own way and own timing, is this: God's given dream and promises.
If I chose not to surrender it to God, will God still love me the same?
YA IYALAH. Jaman kecebong sisha clubbing aja gw disayang Tuhan. Justru gw ga akan dimari nulis2 ginian kalo bukan karena kasih Tuhan yang ga tau berapa dalem deh itu.
I am loved because I am His daughter.
A Father loves His daughter with every cells in His body.
Mau gimana bentuknya gw, abis mandi di lumpur kandang kebo yang mana, God's love is unchanging. GOD. IS. LOVE.
That, I have no doubt.
See. Even if I didn't give Him my best of worship, He is still that same powerful, sovereign God.
So.
What brought me to the point of surrender?
LOVE.
It all comes back to that one simple word that placed Jesus on the Cross.
Love.
For God so loved the world.......
I've been loved so much.
When it comes to choosing the Promise and the Promiser, the Call and the Caller..
I'll choose YOU, GOD. Over and over and over again.
As You have chosen me over and over and over again.
So yea. I give it all back, as an act of worship. That's my 2 silver coins.
That's the best I could give..
You know what happened afterward?
Peace. Peace happened.
Overwhelming peace.
And the joy that followed the coming day, when we (God and I) took a night stroll and He affirmed me once again, that He is indeed a SOVEREIGN God.
Comes back to the very first verse :
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was being formed in secret,
And intricately and skillfully formed [as if embroidered with many colors] in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were appointed for me,
When as yet there was not one of them [even taking shape].
Hey ya'll! I am 29!
And all I can say is : GOD, YOU. ARE. GOOD.
My beloved couple, Ko Ceka and bebeb Vanie gave me PSALM 139 AMP
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was being formed in secret,
And intricately and skillfully formed [as if embroidered with many colors] in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were appointed for me,
When as yet there was not one of them [even taking shape].
When I was being formed in secret,
And intricately and skillfully formed [as if embroidered with many colors] in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were appointed for me,
When as yet there was not one of them [even taking shape].
[Ngeblog sambil dengerin ini sejuta kali on repeat. Ini baik lagunya maupun masnya yang nyanyi tuh kesukaan Roma wkwkwkwk. Aku kangen sama Roma deh jadinya. ANYWAY]
This year has been the MOST COLORFUL year ever!!!!
I've been through hell.
But even in the land of the death, my Father shielded me with His love.
I've been through some moments where I raised my fist to God.
I've yelled at Him. Sungguh anak kurang ajar sebenernya.
But He knew the core of all that anger.
When I screamed and asked Him, "Why?? Why me? Why all this?
I've been obeying You. I've followed. I only love You. But I'm here, God?"
But behind the "why"s, God knew.
His daughter was in so much pain, and all she needed wasn't the reason behind all this.
I mean, kalo Tuhan ngomong juga gw ga akan ngerti. Otak gw cuman segede kurma.
God knew all I needed was the comfort of His love.
And the assurance that this, too, shall pass.
And that in the mean time, while enduring, God is by my side. He never leave.
So He reminded me of Matthew 5.
16 So don’t hide your light![u] Let it shine brightly before others, so that the commendable things you do will shine as light upon them, and then they will give their praise to your Father in heaven.”
"Ke. If you ask me why?
Because you ARE light. I'm the most visible, when you're the most broken."
Men. I couldn't describe the feeling. But it's like the BOMB had been successfully defused in my angry heart.
I felt Him embracing my heart. So tender, so loving.
All I did was cry.
Yes. Inside that planter box. The very same planter box that witness so many things. Lel.
"Ke. Don't hide. Don't hide behind your disappointment.
Don't hide behind your anger. Don't build walls.
Be brave. Let the world see Me, so bright, in you."
Ga maen tembok2an lagi deh, God. No more walls, please.
I rather have You crushing me over and over and over and over again (which You did ehem),
than walking around with hardened heart.
You know the thing about a hardened heart, you won't feel the pain, but you won't feel God's love either.
In the days where my only lifeline is God's love (which is evident in the Scripture and in every prayer), losing God's presence is like.. Having no air to breathe. I DIE LIAO.
OK KAN SEREM. Don't go there.
Ok, let's see what's next.
Oh. I've been trying to walk in God's calling with my own strength.
Alias SOK NGIDE.
Seriously tho. Kenapa gw suka sok ide.
I thank God for a gracious, loving, SUPERPATIENT God, who never stops blocking my self-made route towards destructions.
Ok here's a summary of ide2 sok brilliant yang kalo ga diancurin Tuhan, will certainly ngancurin gw:
1. For good Indo now (padahal dulu paling ga mau)
2. Cabut kerja (padahal ga tau mau kemana)
3. Ga renew PR (ini gw ga ngerti fondasi dari pemikiran ini sebenernya apa)
4. Mau balik TLG (udah ga ada woy, adanya NGS now)
5. Mau pindah COOL (ini benernya dari lama. karena ngerasa ga kepake gitu "underused". Sekarang ngikik sendiri memikirkan HOW PRIDEFUL I AM LEL)
6, Mau pindah gereja (biar lebih goncang aja dunianya macam panggung dangdut)
7. Mau daftar seminary WKWKWKW loh namanya juga ide? Jangan hujat aku.
Basically what's been going on before the 7 brilliant ideas above could even formed,
I feel like God is saying, "Soon, Ke."
Soon He would make REAL His plans for me, unveiling a little bit of my calling to me.
Well. How SOON is God's SOON, really?
And come to think about it, God has prepared me to leave what I love behind.
Check list:
1. Family (my real one la ya). Physically been away for a decade. But it's the emotional attachment that God has meant. It was around 3 or 4 yrs ago? I think I blog somewhere about it. That's why it's easy to surrender them into God's hands. And last weekend, I could see how God never withheld any good thing! How He processed my mom and dad's character. The way they see God and His plans. The way they surrender. And how God calls Febe deeper. Hiks. God. Ga pernah berhutang.
2. Family (in Christ). Udah banyak lah gw bercuap di mari. My mentors. My brothers and sisters.
3. Yang paling susah 2 itu sih. Because of the emotional attachment, I guess. The rest, like changing of routines, schedules, accountability, ok lah, not so hard compare to the first 2.
4. Singapore. And basically a decade of my life.
But. He closed every door.
And the restlessness that came from trying to accomplish God's dream by own limited strength almost kill me. Lelah kakanda.
So, yes. I've been through hell.
The kind that was made by MYSELF.
Until God, in all His kindness and mercy, see this one stubborn but helpless daughter.
He came to my rescue.
Once again.
Last Sunday, as we enter the month of WORSHIP, the sermon was about Abraham tests of faith.
Mindblown fact : how the Bible first mention the word "LOVE" is in the same passage where the word "WORSHIP" is first written. Genesis 22.
How God asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son, the one he LOVES.
And Abraham told everyone that he's going to go up to the mountain to WORSHIP.
Truly, it takes LOVE to worship.
Abraham wouldn't be willing to give up the precious promised son, Isaac, if he didn't know God and His character. If Abraham ever doubted God's love, THAT VERY MOMENT WHERE GOD ASKED HIM TO GIVE UP ISAAC, is actually the right moment to start doubting.
But no. He immovably trusting God all the way.
If Abraham loved the promise more than the Promiser, he would start to question God. Or maybe outright denying that it is God.
Because, come on, it is so NOT GOD. Asking one to kill his own son?????
But yes. God never asked us to do what He wouldn't want to do Himself.
He gave up Jesus.
Ok moving on.
At the end of the sermon, during the closing prayer, God asked me..
Would you give what you love the most to Me? The most precious thing that you hold dear, for Me?
And then, GA CUMAN NANYA, He showed me what I love the most.
The thing that I've been holding on to.
The thing that has been the number 1 factor which determined the choices that I've made. How I invest my time, energy, tears, prayer, money.
So with tears streaming down my face, I whispered to my Father..
"Father. I give you back the dreams You've given me. I give you back the promises that You've made. Because I love You."
..
And some more tears.
And some more.
Even writing this down brought tears to my eyes.
Let me explain a bit.
My life started in Singapore, where I was finally able to make my own choices in life.
And since God made Himself real in my life, I fell in love.
Ya ga langsung. Ada prosesnya dong macam PDKT.
I could chase after my career advancement. Ngumpulin pengalaman dan duit berlimpah (gaya).
Had I choose that path, I might be able to give more to my parents, right?
Instead, God wanted me to stay. So I stayed. Of course my parents asked why I didn't pursue further.
But they trust me. They trust God.
So I chose God. And I chose to trust that my family is secure in God's hands.
(That's why I can say Tuhan ga pernah berhutang. He really takes care beyond my expectation as I surrender).
All the journey with TLG, day in day out. Obedience over obedience (sambil nangis sambil nulis).
It's because of God. And the promises He has made over me.
Ok so. God showed me what is the most precious thing in my life : God's calling and promises.
The question is : can I choose NOT to give them all back to God?
Can I give something else as an act of worship.
Ok good question wkwkwkwk.
What I realize this past season is, God takes away all my comfort zone.
When I thought I have lefr my boat to walk on water, He showed me that I still have my hand hanging on a rope. Then He asked for my life vest. He asked for my oxygen tank.
Families and brosis aside. I was left with no boyfriend. Potentially, no house (ga lah nanti pasti dikasih kok. Burung aja punya sarang), even the newfound (and only) sister to whom I could share and see eye to eye, FOR GOOD DONG. Ini cici yang baru dimention sekali di blog. Udah cus aja.
But I know it is Grace that brought us together, Ci. Ah God's been good!!
So now, what I have left is God.
Or so I thought.
Because apparently, what's been weighing my heart down so much, to the point that I wanted to have it my own way and own timing, is this: God's given dream and promises.
If I chose not to surrender it to God, will God still love me the same?
YA IYALAH. Jaman kecebong sisha clubbing aja gw disayang Tuhan. Justru gw ga akan dimari nulis2 ginian kalo bukan karena kasih Tuhan yang ga tau berapa dalem deh itu.
I am loved because I am His daughter.
A Father loves His daughter with every cells in His body.
Mau gimana bentuknya gw, abis mandi di lumpur kandang kebo yang mana, God's love is unchanging. GOD. IS. LOVE.
That, I have no doubt.
See. Even if I didn't give Him my best of worship, He is still that same powerful, sovereign God.
So.
What brought me to the point of surrender?
LOVE.
It all comes back to that one simple word that placed Jesus on the Cross.
Love.
For God so loved the world.......
I've been loved so much.
When it comes to choosing the Promise and the Promiser, the Call and the Caller..
I'll choose YOU, GOD. Over and over and over again.
As You have chosen me over and over and over again.
So yea. I give it all back, as an act of worship. That's my 2 silver coins.
That's the best I could give..
You know what happened afterward?
Peace. Peace happened.
Overwhelming peace.
And the joy that followed the coming day, when we (God and I) took a night stroll and He affirmed me once again, that He is indeed a SOVEREIGN God.
Comes back to the very first verse :
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was being formed in secret,
And intricately and skillfully formed [as if embroidered with many colors] in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were appointed for me,
When as yet there was not one of them [even taking shape].
Subsequently, I read Romans 8 in The Passion Translation
28 So we are convinced that every detail of our lives is continually woven together to fit into God’s perfect plan of bringing good into our lives, for we are his lovers who have been called to fulfill his designed purpose. 29 For he knew all about us before we were born and he destined us[aa] from the beginning to share the likeness of his Son. This means the Son is the oldest among a vast family of brothers and sisters who will become just like him.
The similarity was UNCANNY. Beda version but then, the way God spoke is SO PERSONAL.
He makes sure I get what He means!
God has wrought (beaten out or shaped by hammering. PANTES PROSESNYA PEDES GITU YAK WONG DIGEBUKIN. but it's okay because in the end jd beautiful like God) and is continually weaving our life. He had our DAYS written in His book. We were DESIGNED and given PURPOSE.
If you try to understand this using human logics, IT WON'T FIT REALLY.
It's like saying that God has finished our book (all written, days were appointed).
But at the same, He is continually weaving our life.
Gimana cara Tuhan bisa SELESAI nulis, tapi SEDANG merajut juga?
Get me?
Because God is God.
He isn't bound by the concept of time. He is Alpha, and Omega.
Pusing? Trust like a child. Child can't do algebra. Still the Father takes a good care of him/her. Haha.
And this 2 verses above also solve another worry that seeped in my mind.
"How if my life is affected by other people's decision and they chose not to obey God?"
I told God. God. Ok I'll wait. But aku ga mau jadi nenek2 yang ke nations God!
Belagu emang anak kecil wkwkwkwk ngikik sendiri.
But God reminded me of His sovereignty.
Means, He got to decide.
And all I have to do is rest myself in His love.
It's not up to me to fulfill God's promise to me.
He reminded me to stay still, be faithful, He'll do the rest.
(Dan kalo mau sok ngide, nanti di block lagi, Mending stay put ya, Daughter)
And truly, after laying down all the dreams and calling etc, OH HOW FREE I AM.
How joyful to be able to just enjoy one more day with God.
And the surprises that is unfolding daily, is beyond my wildest dream.
The paradox with God.
Losing means gaining.
I thought surrendering means giving up.
But no.
Surrendering is relinquishing control so that God could take over entirely.
When I let God be God (and admitting that I AM DEFINITELY NOT), He replaces my tears with joy.
He give a glimmer in my eyes.
He put a spring in my step.
He satisfy my heart, my soul.
My Father. My comforter. My shield.
My forever, Sovereign God.
After the surrendering, comes the humbling process.
Where God digs out lots and lots of pride in me.
And seeing how NOT READY I am just adding the gratitude for every doors closed.
(Anak bocah suka berasa tua dan sok ide emang).
But that's for another blog I guess.
Because somehow I feel like the process has just begun wkwkwk MORE TO COME YAK BAPAK?
So cheers to more journey, hand in hand with my Father.
Cheers to mountains conquered, many more to come.
I love You, Father. I love You.
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