A Reckless Love

"Before I spoke a word, You were singing over me
You have been so, so good to me
Before I took a breath, You breathed Your life in me
You have been so, so kind to me"


"Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ‘til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn’t earn it, I don’t deserve it, still You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God"


Reckless Love - Cory Asbury




When people talk about a new beginning, they never emphasised that something else must end beforehand. For a new season to take place, one season must end.
And my season with TLG is almost over.


I've wrestled with God these whole times. Haha.
I don't know where to begin, exactly..
But as I've written in the previous blog, it's a "To Jump" or "Not To Jump".
He told me that either way, I'd still be fine.
If I stay, He'll bless me where I am. If I 'jump', He'll make sure I'd be save and I wouldn't drown to death.
"It doesn't matter if you stay or you take the leap.
Both are pleasing to Me. Because you would take the decision FOR ME and not for your sake."
See, God never actually push me to do anything.
But when you love someone, you'd know which one is pleasing, and which one is MUCH MUCH pleasing to His heart.
Hence, I jumped. I chose to leave TLG.
(That's before I even knew NGS is even possible. And when Ko Rai announced NGS I was like AAAAH BUT THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN DREAMING AND PRAYING AND HOPING but I kinda understand that if I chose to stay, I'd still be enjoying that season. But HEY, I've jumped. And there's no turning back.)


He made everything beautiful in its time. For real.
So many assurances He placed in front of me, like a teeny tiny pebble in the wilderness He placed to guide my path. All the assurances were good, not only for me, but for the people around me as well.
Like when I told Cuil and Roma that I've jumped, but I don't know WHEN. And that I just wanted to see Vaness got baptised beforehand. And at the VERY NEXT DAY, I was told that there would be a baptism. I was told on Tuesday, that on THAT very day the baptism would be at 3PM.
Cut the long story short, Vaness decided (setelah galau setengah abad and I told her next month you still can do it) to bail out from class WKWK and so I took an urgent half day leave (THANKS BOSS) and there you go.
A miracle in front of my eyes.
He assured me this : "See. You haven't even take any step. You've just decided in your heart. But I would be the one to ensure all the kids are well taken care of. Expect miracles, increase, and acceleration of My work in places where you have set your foot before and in places where you're going to go next."
Ok God Ok. I'll hold on to your promises!


And I told the kids one by one personally.
My dear dear brave girls (and boy hahaha)..
Not only staying calm and composed (regardless a few tears here and there), everyone supported my decision to take this step of faith. The words of encouragement they've given me was more precious than anything.
Truly, wisdom of God trump human wisdom.. I'm so proud with each and everyone of them.
Such a privilege to be able to see the potential of the millennial. Really.
All things (like, ALL. No kidding) are possible for them if they faithfully follow God till the end.. And among all generation, they will glorify God the most.
But like R said, in the first place, they are not mine to let go.
They belong to the Father.
So, I trust You. You never disappoint.


Ok, so. The kids are okay. I thought I was good to go.
But then identity crisis crept in HAHAHA OMG.
So basically I'm saying goodbye to the only community I ever known. The first place where I met God, where I witness servanthood leadership in real, daily life.
I've learned the value of being a 'good and faithful servant.'
I've learned that integrity before God is more precious than gold.
I've learned that the strongest bind on earth comes from our love for Him.


Last week was the toughest one in my life. Serius, ga boong, ga lebay.
It's when doubt tried to steal my conviction and condemnation shouted non-stop to my ears.
I started to question myself,"
"Did I choose correctly? If so, why I didn't feel like it?"
"What will I do next? How will my day look like after this?"
"How if there's no mentor? How if I am 'starved' to death?"
"..what have I done?"
The voices are too loud, deafening me.


And then He came..
He reminded me the beginning. Here's what I've read from My Utmost for His Highest 2 days ago :
"If what we call love doesn't take us beyond ourselves, it is not love. If we have the idea that love is characterized as cautious, wise, sensible, shrewd, and never taken to extremes, we have missed the true meaning."
"Have you ever been driven to do something for God not because you felt that it was useful or your duty to do so, or that there was anything in it for you, but simply because you love Him?"
"There were times when it seems as if God watches to see if we will give Him even small gifts of surrender, just to show how genuine our love is for Him."



If I go back to the way where common sense leads, I would never dare to even contemplate the idea. But the choices I've made, things that doesn't make sense, decisions to choose a long-list of cons..
It was because I love Him.


"I saw you, Child. I saw your heart."
And the freedom that follows His words was like sunrays breakthrough a very dark cave.


I know that Jer 29:11 is real. And that His plans will be as beautiful as the Planner.
But right now, when my eyes can't see where, and when my mind can't understand how..
My heart will find rest in knowing that He who loves me the most, saw my heart and said,
"I love you, too, Daughter."




I have been loved recklessly. Therefore, I, too, will love recklessly.