Dear Friend

Disclaimer : This is not a love letter whatsoever. If you got something else better to do, well, go!

Sod off!! (courtesy of Cal Lightman. LOL)

Dear Friend,

I thought about talking it out.

But I may make a fool of my self.

Or make a fool of you.

So I decided to write it down

thinking maybe you would read it.

And if you don't, well, at least I've got it out from my system.

So.. Here it goes.

It's been couple of years since we first met.

Vaguely remember those days,

we were partners in crime.

At least to me, you were.

I saw myself in the past, and I barely remember how it felt.

I think I've outgrown myself since then.

And maybe the same things happen to you.

Things happened. To you. To me.

Life changed. People come. And go.

You grew.

But the thing is, we grew apart. Didn't we?

I remember like it was yesterday.

When I realized I couldn't hold on to your words.

Not like before.

Well, I thought friends are loyal to each other.

They meant to share things. Share your ups. And downs.

But your stories remain untold.

And you went your own way.

Maybe it was my pride you hurt.

You said it without words, you didn't need me as much as I thought you did.

Was it the vantage point of our friendship?

Or was it when you asked for advices

but in the end you did what you think was best

and willingly ignore everything I said?

I heard so much about ppl who fell out of love.

They said it was the worst feeling ever

because they never fell out of friendship.

Well at least when you fell out of love, you know it once and for all.

That it is really the end.

But when you fell out of friendship

you never knew when would it be over, really.

You kept hold on and wishing, that unlike with lovers, friendships will never end.

You kept your hopes up.

I did.

Like when you said you would be joining us for this whole year.

I was scared and happy altogether.

Scared, that if I hope too much,

the disappointment would suffocate me

to the length that I would forever give up.

But also happy.

Because a part of me thinking, maybe, just maybe,

we could be the old us!

Hey, I might get my partner in crime back!

Or so I thought...

I am so sorry I didn't understand your concept of togetherness before.

I thought it was about giving me, us, a bit of yourself

and I, we, would give you a piece of myself, ourselves, for you to keep.

I thought you were about to chime in the late conversations,

sharing any worth-to-tell story of your days,

telling an anecdote of childhood,

giving me a piece of your mind on matters,

well, like I said before, giving me a bit of yourself,

everything, anything, that would give a hindsight of you

and who you really are, inside.

But I remember you hinted to me that everything was only a waste of time.

That our chatters was nonsense.

Unimportant. To the extent of full of crap?

You said you need to concentrate and you couldn't

because our twittering was not 'compatible'

with your studying mood.

So we keep it low, for a while.

Until you said that we need to shut our holes up

when you were.. watching something.

Was I wrong if I take it you like your 'stuff' more than this so-called friendship?

I remember some of your 'moods'.

After the early 'working-mood'

you got 'studying-mood' which I've mentioned before.

Then you got this 'skinny-wanna-be' mood.

And soon following the 'dark-moment' mood.

Didn't you understand that one's dark moment affect the others?

The scenarios were always the same:

You entered the room. I smiled and greeted.

And you gave me your best-sour-looking face ever.

Was I wrong for not being able

to predict when you would like the smile and greet

and when you don't?

Was I wrong for not being able to read your mind?

Was I wrong to even think that maybe,

this smile and greet maybe not suitable for you?

Oh, oh, I remember that day.

When I tried to talk it out.

Let alone my eyes, you didn't even look at my face.

You busied yourself arranging your.. papers?

Ohhh I remember many times I tried to talk you out.

You answered immediately, given me the thing I wanna heard.

But does it come from yourself, or merely for shutting me out.

Don't you know that problems kept inside are still problems?

That don't self-solved.

Don't you know that it's okay for friends to quarrel?

It's okay to disagree? It's okay to have different point of view?

Don't you know discussion meant to give both party a win-win solution?

Was I supposed to be happy when you gave me the 'right' answer?

What I want is a view to your soul.

So I could understand. So I could reach out to you.

So I could be a good friend. A friend, for the very least.

I remember one day.

When you were about to leave the house and I asked where are you going.

You, you lied straight through your teeth.

You told me you got a.. what? date?

(An effin date????? What am I to you? A mouse?)

While what you did was studying somewhere else.

Hey! What's with you?!

Why your first reflect was to.. lie?

Have you ever thought why NOW I never asked where you were going

or where have you been?

Because I didn't wanna hear another lie. Unnecessary lie, if I might add.

So now, out of politeness, I held my tongue, and keep quiet.

Disappointment leads to another disappointment.

I remember one day when you were in friendly mood.

I talked to myself this was gonna be one awesome day.

Two friends going somewhere for fun, just like the old days.

Well, my friend, I hung my hope too high, I did.

Because when I thought you were there for me,

you were busy with your phone.

We walked side by side, but it felt like a lone walk after all.

At least if I went alone, I know I preferred to be alone.

Better than having someone who's there but not really THERE.

And that day turned out to be NOT awesome, at all. LOL

I remember the time when we're supposed to study.

But you had lost interest in study entirely, hadn't you?

You keep doing your useless 'stuff'.

How I wish I had your early days here filmed.

You would see how your act today contradict yours yesterdays.

But one thing remain the same, I, we, are still a distraction for you.

Fun, or no fun, I wasn't supposed to share it with you, was I?

Many other little things..

I called it 'daily-disappointment'

that keeps us apart.

Little things with trash can, dirty dishes, washing machine.

But one last straw is when you choose to ignore our friend.

You were there.

You went practically NOWHERE, for God sake!

You should be the one who seen it first!

But no. You.Are.Busy. With your self.

And when you realized what's happening under your nose,

you choose to IGNORE it.

And that, my friend, is the last straw.

Because it's okay if you disappoint me,

for one more wouldn't add much different to those I've piled up.

But ignorance towards other's sorrow?

Even put your useless pitiful self indulgence above your friend's distress?

Too far, my friend.

For short, befriend to you is like touching a hotplate.

You know, the one that usually replace the ordinary gas-stove.

In a gas stove, you could see from the existent of flame.

Then you know it's turned on.

And if I touch the flame, it would be hot

(and I would be extremely super-stupid if I did)

But a hot plate, you couldn't see it's on or off by merely seeing the platter.

I might as well find out by touch the surface, but I could get burned.

You, my friend, is a hotplate.

I tried getting close to you, but many times I found myself 'burned'.

Sometimes I glimpse of you got me hoping that maybe next time

I could understand what you really are.

But that next time, I got myself 'toast' all over again.

So to prevent myself from getting burned for testing your 'mood of the day'

I might as well stay away.

And it helps.

It got easier and easier by days.

There's no more sadness. Anger. No more disappointment.

Maybe they were right after all.

The other side of coin of love

is not hatred.

It is indifference.