Redefining 2020 : Takeaways

 “2020 is not a good year for me.”

“I just wanna skip 2020 altogether.”

Those were written everywhere and posted over and over again on social media.

Is it, really?

Personally, this year has been.. Let say, one completely unknown territory.

I have expected “the unknown” when I said goodbye to my entire 12 years in Singapore to start a new adventure with the Father. But.. NOT THIS KIND of unknown! 

I thought the future would be kinda blurry. But this! This was.. total darkness.

The first few months of being home was about me replicating my Singapore life (well, minus the job and of course the people). I was busy finding “home”, trying out new churches, new communities, new ministries. Making new friends, reuniting with old friends. Back to meeting people on daily basis. I even went to 2 services on Sundays HAHA! Well, I thought, this was me being productive while waiting for the school intake.

And then Covid19 strikes. The world was brought to its knees. All church meetings went online and everyone struggled to understand what’s exactly going on and how to navigate this season well. My new post-Singapore routines, like so many events and gatherings, were cancelled. And like the rest of the world, I, too, struggle to understand. What is He doing in all this?

I know that beyond what my physical eyes perceive, God is not caught by surprise. He knows what’s going to happen and He’s already in the future as much as He’s in the past. The assurance that I have a sovereign, all-powerful God that I call my good good Father, is the anchor that holds my boat afloat. I know that He is with me, in the unknown. I know walking on water means saying goodbye to solid ground. I know that from the many years in Singapore, God has particularly asked me to go in this exact timing and season (I wouldn’t take a leap of faith without so many assurance, trust me I’m just a normal person okay), and like so many seasons that have passed, God has brought me to the perfect training ground for me that will equip me for the coming seasons. I know He’s building something crucial IN me.

Knowing all that, does it mean that I was super-certain, and totally composed the whole time?

TIDAK SEMUDAH ITU, FERGUSO! OF COURSE NOT. Hahahahahhahahaha.

A few weeks ago, a friend Insta DMed me asking,

“How can you be so strong in God even when you experienced so much pressure/hardship in life?”

Girrrrllll, STRONG?? WHO?? ME???

On the contrary, this season got me helpless most of the time. Like a newborn baby. A helpless, SUPERCRANKY, newborn baby.

But in the lowest points (yes, I’m talking multiple low points here dude!), God proves to me over and over and over and over and over (till eternity), that He is the GOOD GOOD FATHER and MORE. It’s true that the most precious treasure is always found in the darkest, and the most precious life-changing experiences with God is found in the valley lows.

So here’s my 5 takeaways so far (while at the same time, being a cranky baby HAHA).

1. I AM, BECAUSE HE IS

I thought I have navigated a season where I was left without any responsibility and accountability when I left all leadership in ministry. BUT THIS! I was jobless. I was not planted in any church or community (not a decision I’ll take lightly). I was not just without mentor, I was without ANY TASK AT ALL.

For some of you, it might be weird that I made a big deal out of the absence of responsibility. Well, I’ve been adulting this way, with responsibilities after responsibilities. Busyness is something I’ve been living with. I like juggling stuff. Multi-tasking is my middle name HAHAHA. I’m so used with at least 12 hours being ‘active’, even, and especially on weekends.

And little did I know that I have associate myself with busyness. Without me realizing it, I have placed my identity on MY PRODUCTIVITY. I felt the most alive when I get to talk to people, listen to their stories, sharing Jesus. Nothing’s wrong with that, really.

But it’s not about what I do. It’s about God redefining my identity.

“This is my Son whom I love, with Him I am well pleased” (May 3:17)

The Father said this to Jesus during Jesus’s baptism, an affirmation of WHO JESUS IS. A son. Loved. Pleasing in the eye of the Father. Do you know that this was said BEFORE Jesus DID ANYTHING. The Father loved Jesus and approved of Him because Jesus is His son, not because of WHAT Jesus would do (yes, even if Jesus decided NOT to be crucified. BUT I’M SUPERGRATEFUL HE DID obey all the way through!).

Do you know that right after the baptism, the Holy Spirit (yes) brought Him to the wilderness to be tested by the devil? And do you know what was the devil’s strategy? 

“IF you are the son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”

But Jesus was APPROVED. He KNOWS EXACTLY who He is. He IS the Son of God. All of His DOING in life flows from His BEING.

I imagine a scenario where Jesus, insecure with His identity, really turned the stone into bread (because He can. Remember, He later multiplied 5 breads and 2 fishes for 5k men) for the sake of PROVING to the devil (and to Himself) that He REALLY is the son of God. Sneaky devil!! I mean, if there is a way of the devil to manipulating Jesus into doing stuff, that means Jesus would fail to say, “the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing.” (John 5:19, 12:49). And there, we would have a flawed example of obedience.

BUT THANK GOD THAT JESUS IS THE CHAMPION HERE!

I understand that God is detoxing me from my addiction to busyness. He purifies the very foundation of my being : A CHILD OF GOD. A daughter. Loved and approved. He wants me to learn to embrace who I really am without the weight of religious duty. He wants me to experience this total freedom. Freely capable to receive His love and approval. Free to choose to obey BECAUSE of the love He has lavished on me, not out of fear of condemnation from Him (because He never condemns) and the world around me (that has no power over me. In this world, but not of this world, remember?). 

I didn’t even know how many “dos” and “don’ts” and “methods” that I have adopted in the way of approaching God that has come in the way of my relationship with God. I became restless at the thought of me doing NOTHING while the Father never stops working. 

The funny thing is, once I was in a zoom fellowship with young(er) people. My heart breaks so much because I really want to be able to help them in some ways, but I have no authority, nor assignment. I told God, “Really ya, Dad. I can’t just sit and talk about the concept of Christianity this and Jesus that. You know I’m not created for that. I need real action! I want to touch lives! Will I ever do that, again?” (Biasa ya suka drama HAHA). 

You know what? The next day, someone called asking me to help out young people with a certain issue. I was ECSTATIC! But thank God, somehow despite the FIREEE, I took a step back before I said YES. And I realize that this is not my portion for the season. Not because it’s a bad thing. It’s a good thing. But it’s not for me now. WUHHH! Gila ya. I learned to choose God over good. And it’s so liberating to say NO. Knowing that I am exactly where I have to be, and that when the time is right, my Father has doors open for me. Without me manipulating things, or trying to create my own opportunity out of FOMO, He is my Waymaker. One day, Father. One day.

So, yes. What if, doing less physically is EXACTLY what God wants me to do for the season? What if, rhythm of grace means letting go of the pace I’m so comfortable with? Will I comply to the pressure of the world to perform, to increase, to be busy, to be “productive”? Will I follow the world’s expectation to the point of burn out? Or will I simply HEAR and DO exactly what the Father say, without second-guessing when what He says is really OUT OF pattern?

Which brings me to the second point. Pattern.

2. LEARNING THE NEW (AWKWARD) DANCE WITH GOD

When my usual lifelines (prayer meetings, physical meetings) vanished, I found myself in a very awkward place with God. I found myself in a strange place, where there is no to-do list to frame my days. I can sleep anytime, anywhere. I don’t need to set any alarm HAHA. IT WAS AWESOME! ..at the beginning.

Soon enough, I felt so lost. I mean, I know I’m waiting for the school to start. But see, there is a problem when the embassy has limited time slot and the border between countries are closed. I didn’t know what to expect! Not only I do not have anything on my plate, I also have no idea at all, what the future holds.

Should I continue to pursue the study this year? Should I continue to HOPE at all when all I see is impossibilities? My biggest struggle here is how to position my heart, really. And I hate being uncomfortable with my relationship with God, where I do not know what to do. I’m in this crazy roller-coaster ride where one hour, I was assured, and the next hour I was totally at lost. 

And then I heard God whispered to me.

“Surrender. Let Me lead.”

I realize that God has changed His moves, because the melody has changed. And instead of surrendering control and totally leaning on to His guidance, I brought in my understanding of the previous season’s dance moves. I brought in the old pattern. I thought being with God will have to look a certain way, to feel a certain way. And when I continue to step on God’s toes (untung Tuhan sabar), I got angry for being so awkward and clumsy because I AM NOT USUALLY LIKE THIS.

I went through cycle of deniasl before I finally realized that I was actually angry with God. I still read my devotional. I prayed. I ticked all the ritual boxes. But my heart was away. I refused to stay in His presence.

During my biggest tantrum (yes, I throw tantrums. Lots of them), I told God,

“You said you are a good, God. But why I don’t feel like it? I hate being angry all the time.”

I expected many replies, but this. He said,

“I know I’m taking you to places where it’s the most uncomfortable for your heart. Of course you’ll be mad in this process. Because you’re in pain. I know you’ll be mad at Me, but this is good for you, Daughter. This is necessary.”

GIMANA GA CINTA??????????????? How can I not love Him???

Instead of a smack in the butt, He held me together. He understands me. My good good Father. 

He is teaching me flexibility. Because to withstand different seasons in life, flexibility is key. What can’t bend will break. I have to learn different moves in my dance with God. I have to train my ear to listen to a different rhythm. And train my feet to follow where God steps are. I learn the dance of letting go. The dance of surrender. Learning to unlearn the pattern I’ve grown so used to and learning to embrace the newness of a season, the awkwardness of the new normal. In all this, leaning on the Father arms with a heart posture ‘Whatever You See Fit, I’ll Follow.”

What a humbling journey.

3. NEW SEASON, NEW PERSPECTIVE 

I think what makes a season harder that what it is, is when we totally do not have any idea of “What’s next?”

For me, one of my biggest nightmare was to lose sight of what God is doing. Because then, I wouldn’t know how to respond to situations.

Which is why, when I have to face the fact that the earliest visa appointment interview was 1 month after the school starts and my request for urgent appointment is rejected, I was totally at lost. I mean, He’s the One who leads me to BSSM when I’m going someplace else. This school is God’s idea. This year is God’s idea. So...... What’s next then? Thankfully, I have learned to surrender earlier. So even though I have left with so many questions, somehow I was at peace.

Came the offer to switched to BSSM online. Apparently, there is a newly launched online full time and part-time program offered. I was faced with a decision to make. The options are:

A. Switched to online full time school for year 1. And then continue year 2 on campus.

B. Re-apply next year

C. Go for the 1 month-late-interview, meanwhile, accessing the material remotely for.

At this point, Option A seems a logical choice. Tbh, I never thought that I’ll take 2nd year for BSSM, but hey, why not? I mean, I can save so much from the living cost to continue year 2. This make a lot of sense. But I said to God, “Feel free to interrupt me anytime, God. I mean, I have gone this far, it’s just stupid not to follow through. HAHA”

Before making decision, I asked my mom and Febe to watch the open house of BSSM online school. Super grateful for the recorded zoom session! We watched the video together. It was a simple one hour plus video. Greetings, short preaching by Ps Kris, followed by praying session. People was prayed for and prophesied for over the video! God’s presence was so thick, we (well, Febe and I HAHA) cried together with the persons who are being prayed over. I was mindblown. I mean. If you can bring healing and deliverance at the comfort of one’s home, why not? Between prayers, He said,

“Well, Ke? If You ask me. Why not?”

After the sessions, I asked Febe. “What do you think, Feb?”

“Well, Kak. Why not?”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH RIGHT.

So there. I decided to switched to online learning.

And right after I took this baby step of faith, God revealed the WHY behind this decision. (Contrary to the world’s way that requires reasons before actions, God’s revelation comes only AFTER the simple act of obedience.)

One of my cell group friend made a comment on my decision, “Wow! Sama kaya anak2 Gen Z nih, belajarnya serba online.”

I started to realize that GOD IS MAKING SO MUCH SENSE RIGHT NOW!

A few days after that comment, I attended an online conference and one of the topic is about Gen A parenting (after Z, comes A HAHAH feels old much??). It’s mentioned that Gen A has even higher critical thinking ability and that in order for the parents to communicate with their kids, they have to continue learning to match the kids’ understanding. Hence, gaining their respect as someone as knowledgeable as them. An equal counterpart. As everything in this world evolves, so does parenting style. The problem is parents who tried to use the outdated method of the previous generation won’t be able to communicate effectively, let alone passing values to their kids.

I am called to bridge one generation to another. Don’t get me ranting about the old mindset and culture that limit the room for the next generation to grow and bloom.

But in order for me to change a culture, I have to BE THAT CULTURE. And knowing how crucial is this, God uses this wilderness season to shape me from the inside-out, to have a growth mindset.

If you asked me last year, “Will you quit your job to study online?” I would definitely, pridefully, say, “NO LAAA.” Because i feel that studying online is not worth me letting go of my security, and I’ll decide without even asking God, “What is it that You want?” (See, pride gets us ahead of God. Everytime. Wkwkwkwk)

A few months ago, on my mind, online meetings are somehow less impactful or less effective than the physical one, especially when it comes to church gatherings. “Ga berasa gitu atmosfernyaaa.”

But after experiencing the BSSM online, I have this thought, “What if your barrier from experiencing the fullness of God is ONLY ON YOUR MIND.”  That means, it’s not the method, but the MINDSET. I realize that the greatest barrier of cultural change is OUR OLD MINDSET. The danger of familiarity is when we think we know it all, and then instead of continuously learning, we are stuck on the way things were. 

But God says, “BEHOLD. I’m doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not PERCEIVE it?”

God is always doing a new thing. He is a creative God. His character does not change, but His methods are ALWAYS new. The problem is when we are fixated on the good ol’ thing, and fail to PERCEIVE what He is CURRENTLY doing. It takes humility to admit that we do not know anything. But this is the only way to keep growing. I can see how much God wants to partner with His children in bringing changes in the world, when I realize how CLEVER and CREATIVE God is in breaking my old mindset. HAHA!

4. THANKSGIVING IS OUR WEAPON!

For the longest period in this season, I thought I had nothing to give. Because I don’t think I have anything of significance to give, I don’t feel like doing anything

My eyes were blocked by so much fear of the unknown, fixated on things I couldn’t control (such as borders and visas HAHAHAH). 

But then I was reminded the simple truth that sets me free : GIVE THANKS, KE! 

I was reminded that there is an appointed time for everything under the heaven. I mean, I know that God is preparing things, cooking up something in the unseen. And like a preggo mother who’s gotta wait for a full term before she delivers the baby, I gotta wait on God’s timing. I know He’s developing patience endurance in me, among other things I’ve listed above HAHAHA.

I was reminded about Paul and Silas, shackled in their dungeon.

Paul and Silas, undaunted, prayed in the middle of the night and sang songs of praise to God, while all the other prisoners listened to their worship. Suddenly, a great earthquake shook the foundation of the prison. All at once every prison door flung open and the chains of all the prisoners came loose. (Acts 16:25-27 TPT)

What makes us courageous, UNDAUNTED, in the waiting, even when everything seems impossible and bleak, is when we’re focusing on the unshakeable God. Instead of wondering what’s next, or complaining about the imprisonment they had to endure when they preached the Gospel, Paul and Silas CHOSE to magnify God. Yes, because thanksgiving is a CHOICE we have to  made. It’s not just mere words. It’s a posture of heart that agrees with God and everything that He is doing at the moment. Thanksgiving is an act of faith. We choose to trust God’s heart is for our good despite what we may see or feel.

Once, during our Saturday night prayer, I told mom and Febe how lost I felt. And mom reminded me to give thanks. IT IS HARD, REALLY. I literally told my flesh to shut up because I wanna praise. No words came out, just tears. LOTSSS of em HAHAHAHA. 

But what happen afterward, suddenly, the prison door flung open. Freedom.

I felt so much freedom in my heart that was so heavy and burdened before. That peace that surpasses understanding enveloped my heart. I know I am in good hands of my Father. Safe and sound.

Thanksgiving shifts my perspective from what I’m lacking to what I DO have!

I was reminded twice about the 5 loaves and 2 fishes. And I realize that there is actually something I can do.

I can write. HAHAHAHA.

So here I am, with my 5 loaves and 2 fishes, writing my second blog for this year. Documenting my mountain tops and valley low moments, hand in hand with God. One day I’ll look back at these moments of 2020, when God draws me closer to His heart. Deeper than I’ve ever been.

Which brings me to the last point.

5. BE AUTHENTIC IN FAITH

I know it’s been a controversy out there: Mulan 2020.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

I saw unfavorable comments everywhere. I’m not here to add any of them comments.

But there is one part that struck me so hard I cried.

SPOILER ALERT!!!

Below is some quotes from the scene where Mulan (M), pretending to be a man named Hua Jun, was in hand combat with Xian Niang (X), the witch:

M : You’re a witch

X : Am I? And who are you?

M: I’m Hua Jun. Soldier in the emperor’s imperial army.

X : Liar. Your deceit weakens you. It poisons your chi. I ask again, who are you.

M : I’m Hua Jun. Soldier in the emperor’s imperial army.

X : Then you will die pretending to be something you’re not

...

And Hua Jun did die. For a lie can only live so long. But Mulan, Mulan lived.

Most Christians repent enough to get forgiven, but not enough to see the Kingdom. (Bill Johnson)

So many sons and daughters live trying to be someone that we are not. Buried under so much past traumas, under so much hurt and pain, until we might not know who we really are. We live under the pressure of the world, we live fulfilling the expectation of people. Chasing the same things the people around us is chasing, too. Only to realize in the end, we’ve been investing our lives on the temporary things that hold no eternal value. Not knowing that THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO LIFE. Not knowing that it’s God’s heart for us to leave a legacy of faith that stays forever.

I, too, was once buried so deep. I thought I was okay.

But one encounter with Jesus turned my world upside-down. And experiencing His reckless love continuously, has changed me radically from the inside out.

Layer by layer, He broke through the walls, the hurt, and pain. No longer I need to hide my face, because who I really am is beautiful. Created in the image of my beautiful Father, I am, too, carry this beauty. Not only His beauty. But also His heart. His desire. His power. 

We can’t afford a second-hand faith. Authentic faith is forged in the fire of authentic struggles and authentic encounter of God. Each journey is unique because there’s only 1 person ever in the history of the world like you. You are uniquely made by God for a specific time and era and part of the world. And you have an irreplaceable part in God’s master plan. Only you can be you. There is no right or wrong or methods when it comes to experiencing God. We have to grow BEYOND the confines of religious activity to a real journey of faith! 

So, I just want to encourage anyone who feel like you’ve been gone for so long, buried too deep. Stop believing the lies that there is no hope for you! Refuse to agree with the liars!

Take a step of faith towards Him. He’ll run to you and meet you more than halfway.

The Father’s been waiting on you. And for the longest time, you’ll have a place you can call Home.

And for those in this wild journey of faith. Do not compare your journey with others! Pursue authenticity with God. Pursue His heart FOR YOU! I know sometimes it’s hard, but DO NOT GIVE UP JUST YET! I mean, even if you do, God will never give up on you. Tidak semudah itu, FERGUSO!

There are so much more gems He unveiled to me during one of the toughest season in life.

But apart from the wisdom discovered, more than the treasure I found in the valley, the greatest treasure that I treasure so much, is the presence of my Father.

When I’m at my weakest, He is the strongest in me. He is the sole reason I am HERE, with so much HOPE for the future. Because I know wherever He leads me, that’s where He IS. And God, I just wanna be where You are. I just wanna be near your heart. Indeed. The safest place is not in the boat without Him. It’s on the water WITH my Father.

So YES, God!

Whatever the question is, God, my answer is YES!

Would you say YES to Him, too?

Well, you wouldn’t know how significant your simple YES to Him ;)

He treasures your heart. Like He has always treasured mine.

You are so loved.