Jangan Gantung Akuuuuu

Yes, I might as well write in Bahasa deh.

I AM SCARED.

There.

I put it in black and white.

And never ever in my entire life, I felt this way.

Right after the last blog, things started to unfold. Daily.

There's always something.. exhilarating happened every day.

Even sometimes they were just chain of events.

Every December, I prayed about God's vision for the coming new year.

This habit was formed back then since the Royals time. Then to mentorship as well.

Somehow I was reminded in the end of October, "Eh Ke, why don't you take 2 months in advance to pray for new year instead of the usual 1 month?"

So I started to take my time for praying and fasting.

YEAH N THEN THE UNFOLDING.

I can't write down everything because it's LITERALLY banyak banget sampe ga tau lagi.

What I know is, since the mid year, God has given me 'trailer'.

A new season is coming soon.

Well. I never thought that a new season could be.. this.. DRASTIC.

First and foremost, He made clear His calling to me.

It was nations. And then 'prophet to the nations.' And then 'dry bones comes alive'.

And now.. THIS.

WKWKWKWKWKKWKWWKWK.

I told God.

You must be talking about another Kezia.

It took me a while, a few slaps here and there.

He made sure I got to SEE and TASTE and FEEL His assurance for THIS.

So strong. So.. God.

My first reaction was.. Why me, Lord?

I was just.. A kid. A normal, ordinary human being.

And then He reminded me of Peter. Well, in fact, Peter was the very thing that assured me that, THIS. THIS IS GOD TALKING TO ME and He didn't joke at all..

I trembled. Really.

I never felt so.. Unqualified.

But somehow in my Spirit, I knew that THIS. THIS IS TOO BIG.

TOO EXTRAVAGANT. 

But the little details that He 'wove' in His story was.. delicately amazing.

I was given a book titled "(Un)qualified", even before THIS was made known to me.

HAHAH. I half way made it through the book, it was given to me as a birthday gift.

And when I was flipping through the pages sambil nyalon, I SAW PETER.

The very verse that God used to OPEN my eyes.

So I took hold of God's promise to me.

That in the future, THIS. THIS is divine calling of God for me.

Berat banget yak istilahnya. Lebih berat kalo lu tau, trust me. wkwkwkw.

But knowing this is so humanly impossible, somehow give me comfort.

That means God will be so great in me, it's not up to me to make THIS happen juga kan.

Set aside this divine calling, all you get right now is a SCARED LITTLE GIRL.

Facts :

1. I have less than 2 months on my Re-Entry Permit

2. I have about the same amount of time to find a new place to stay

3. I can't even plan my Christmas holiday ya ampun cuman book ticket balik Jakarta aja He put me on hold. I was holding my cc and about to purchase the tix when He said, "Wait la Ke. Wait." And it was so clear, I was.. Well, He didn't say NO KEZ NO. But you know, when God said something, there must be REASON. AND I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS THAT. My curiosity trumped my desire to go home this Christmas. (But Father.. I still want to be home, please haha).

Ya orang kan bilang, YA GITU AJA. Tinggal diapply online. Masa perlu tanya Tuhan?

Well. Mungkin yang pernah ngerasain bakal ngerti ya.. I don't expect one to understand fully sih.

But it feels like God wants be to just be still.

He is working something in the background.

WHILE THIS LITTLE GIRL IS SHIVERING GA TAU MAU NGAPAIN.

I live my day one day at a time. Which is SO NOT ME.

But I cannot afford to SOK NGIDE (refer to 2 post before this).

Why? I mean, with all the freedom to choose and freewill lalala.

Because.. above everything, all I want is to see God's will be done.

I want to live a life like a little kid with her eyes open wide, waiting for "What's next, Father."

Ya emang itu exactly yang sedang gw lakukan sih.

But I never thought rasanya kok macam KETAR KETIR BEGIMANA BEGITU YAK.

Hatiku cenat cenut loh God.

Yesterday my sis told me that somehow she knows that whatever decision I'll take, will determine her next step as well.

PRESSURE PRESSURE wkwkwkwkw.

Not really sih. We both know that in the future, THIS, is meant for the both of us.

We're partners in sharing God's inheritance.

Hearing her talking about finishing up her short course..

I was like. OK GOD. Tell me when. I call Post TKI right now.

Gaya emang bocah sok ngide.

Oh Post TKI itu yang biasa dipake orang mau for good gitu. Ya Google aja.

Intinya I was so ready to just pack my back and go.

Terus kepikir, tapi barang gw banyak..

Terus OH WELL mulai deh sok ngide.

Even tadi abis gw ngoceh2 sama Vanie, God reminded me through her.

"Tuhan blg tadi pas d taxi suru  kasitau ke elu.

Not about what you THINK or what you KNOW ANYMORE.

Disuru STOP SPECULATING.

Wkwkwkwkwk"

....ahh the simplicity of a child.

Nangkep banget sih messagenya. NANCEP JUGA KAKA.

Anyway.

Gila yah.. How the cycle of KESOK NGIDEAN itu muncul karena KETERPEPETAN yang TERAMAT SANGAT.

Mamam tuh di translate gimana.

The cycle of making own plans (that normally is always superNOTHING compared to God's plan).

This cycle caused is caused by human self-defense mechanism to the unknown future.

Somehow we like to play God more than we dare to admit.

We'd like to be in control of our feelings, our own thoughts, our future.

But ya gitu deh. You are not God. I am not. Only God is God.

To just "simply trust."

That's what I'm learning while I'm the waiting.

Sambil ngeliatin calendar, sambil deg2an.

Menghitung hari wkwkwkwkwkwkwkwkw.

You know, only last Sunday, God told me that He is proud of me.

It was during NGS service, I was up there serving, being called after the sermon's done.

I was just seated when I felt my tears welled up.

When the first kid responded to the altar call, I was far above ga tau lagi nangis bentuknya gimana sambil maen keys.

I vaguely remember making funny sounds while crying. I DON'T CARE HAHAHAHA.

When suddenly the preacher stopped praying over the kid and she said,

"I felt in my Spirit that God wanted some of you to know that HE IS PROUD OF YOU.

He knows you know that He loves you. But right now He wants you to know that HE IS PROUD of you. The fact that you are here right now, is because you've chosen Him over and over again. He is proud of you."

..

HABIS GENGS YAH.

It's like.. Being seen. It's like you're in the midst of the crown and your Father sees you from afar.

I felt so loved.

So.. Idk. So overwhelmed by His unconditional extravagant love.

And still. Now I'm scared.

WKWKWKKWKWKWKWWK IMAN GW KAYANYA SEPERLIMA BIJI SESAWI DEH.

Like, my Good Father will never give me something that could harm me.

I am SUPERPRECIOUS for Him, you know #pedejaya.

The fact that I was made broken is the very fact that He knows exactly what I needed before giving me what I don't deserve :  THIS CALLING.

The life that's MORE THAN a roller-coaster ride more than an extreme sport does to adrenaline. 

Hahahaha,

Ok now that I admitted everything in the open.

Yes, I'm superduper helpless sih.

But I know that when I'm helpless in the arms of my Father, well, I know I am safe to be helpless.

It's like knowing that I may fall, but His arms is always there to catch me.

Here's a self-reminder of how this journey was started :

This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what’s coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we’re certainly going to go through the good times with him!

(Romans 8:15-17 MSG)

A childlike "What's next, Papa."

Even if my mind screams, "Boss, jangan gantung akuuuuuuu!"

But my heart knows that I'm a child.

And my Father is a good good Father.

He's never too late, never too early.

But always on time.

And always better than what we ever expected.

Better than our wildest dream.

 

1 Cor 2:19 TPT

This is why the Scriptures say:

Things never discovered or heard of before,

   things beyond our ability to imagine[n]—

    these are the many things God has in store

    for all his lovers.

Meskipun digantung.. Aku tetep sayang kok.

I trust You, Father.

I love You.

Because You have loved me first.