Puzzle pieces.
"Maybe what you've seen right now are puzzle pieces.
And you can't get the whole picture right.
But remember, those pieces are God's.
That's why you can trust that the picture is beautiful.
Just do your part."
Wah really. I couldn't stop crying during the NGS session today.
And I have this little flu and the crying didn't help so I kinda had to breathe from my mouth a little wkwkwkwkwkwk. All eye makeup were gone lol.
God's love was so tangible.
It's 6 days to the GWilliams wedding! I can't believe I'll be in Bandung next Friday.
SO MANY THINGS HAPPENNED IN A SHORT FEW WEEKS.
One of them is my bebep Gece's bridal shower.
Shella asked all of us this questions, "What makes you wanna get married? What makes you DON'T?"
Why I want to. Hmm well.
Because WHEN I do, that means I'm fulfilling God's purpose in my life.
(I mean, well, for me, no other reason really.
If I want a companion for life, I'll get myself a dog. wkwkwkwkw)
Why I don't. Well. HONESTLY.
I'M SCARED OF GOING THROUGH THE PROCESS.
Like. One thing I'm sure of, marriage involves 2 imperfect persons.
And when imperfect persons meet, there bound to be some frictions.
It's more than 'iron sharpen irons', because THIS IRON STAYS WITH US FOREVER.
HAHHAHAHA. That's why, let's just make sure that you don't get to choose your 'IRON' anyhow.
See the thing is I am now NOT in a relationship (single, not jomblo uhuh okay).
And what God has dug out of me ('dug' wkwk) WAS SCARY STUFF HERE.
It's like He reached out the layer of my heart that was untouched before.
With one big swoop, He stripped of that layer, and IT HURTS SO MUCH I WANNA DIE.
But then I live again. He breathed into me.
See, the thing with our GoodGood Father here, He never 'just do' stuff randomly.
He chooses the most perfect timing and moment. Usually when we're at our lowest.
He exposes the 'skeleton' in my heart, from darkness into light.
Not to condemn me.
But to heal. To embrace me, so I can go deeper.
I never thought that I was broken.
Well, maybe back then I was.
I thought I was MORE THAN OKAY.
Growing up, I was taught that girls must be tough. Independent.
My father wanted us, girls, to be strong. Not to ask help because people will disappoint.
And the way I see the happenings of my family growing up, yes, he's kinda right tho.
So, in this very ground, I stood and built my castle of life.
A castle that contains me and my independence.
A very prideful ground, that is.
Ok can't write too much detail but what I can say is..
For me, to be entirely vulnerable with a person is.. simply the scariest thing in life.
Someone who is completely and rawly open, unguarded with their heart, mind, and soul. Being vulnerable happens when you trust completely. Rather its vulnerability by pain or joy, it's being exposed with all of the emotions that make it easy for someone (someone you trust) to really do some emotional damage or healing.. Vulnerability is the surrender of all control and personal power in regards to letting someone close enough to destroy you!
See! HOW SCARY IS THAT!
But God's love breakthrough my walls of pride..
No shadow You won't light up
Mountains You won't climb up
Coming after me
No walls You won't kick down
Lie You won't tear down
Coming after me
My Father doesn't stop there.
His reckless love CHASES after my heart.
HE WANTS MY HEART!!!!!!!!
My twisted sister told me that "Being vulnerable is honorable in God's eyes."
So there.. When everything else around me came crushing down, crushed by the Love of God,
I stood there. Shivering naked (FIGURATIVELY LA YA).
But it's like.. The pride that was once there, the very same pride that has held me back from loving the way God has loved me first, well that wall, has been torn down.
Suddenly I stood in this wide open space. Where the sky is endless, and the green pasture has no ends. And I know God has taken me by the hand, holding me close, a child in her Father's arms.
I never felt so loved before.
And so free to love. OH THE LOVE THO!
Wave after wave after wave! I am drowned but never felt so alive!
It's so God, tho.. What the world views as 'weakness', God turned them all upside down and inside out. I'm content to be weak now, because I know that God is the strength of my heart.
I can't believe that I'm saying this.. But I rather be a bench warmer for the Man and the man rather than chasing my own limelight that leads me to nothingness.
In fact, I'm now choosing to be a bench warmer for God.
(Nulis sambil nangis)
If that what it takes, God, take everything that I have.
I don't want anything else but what You want from me.
In all this priceless painful process, He holds my heart.
Safe and secure. And He counts every tears.
My heart is overwhelmed by my Father's love.
You see..
When everything around me came crushing down..
And I left with nothing..
I found out that God is all I've got.
And He is all I need.
More than enough.
It is You, Father.
It's always been You, all along.
I love You.
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