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Why Me, Lord?

Yellow hello :)

It's almost midnight, as usual, the only time of day when everything is kinda quite down and I could just sit down and write.

Today I'm just superduper thankful for the family He's given me here in Singapore.
My mom, dad, and Feb just came back to Indo today and I miss them already and how deep is His love for me that I got the next session of mentorship arranged just a few hours after they have left for the airport.
Coincidence? Mehh..
It's God for sure.

ANYWAY.

Here's what I'm about to share.

Ceritanya kan taun ini adalah 'The Year of TOTAL FREEDOM'.
And really.
Ini baru aja kaya mid of March, but there's a lot of things yg Tuhan ijinin terjadi, yang bikin gw menyadari there are things in my life that I gotta settle and make right before God.

First of all, yang paling penting adalah to grasp the idea of 'Total Freedom' di dalam Tuhan.
Karena our kind of freedom is 180 degree from His!
Freedom in God is being secured in His love, does not matter what may happen to you or your surroundings, He is ENOUGH!
Personally, buat gw sih, total freedom adalah bebas dari rasa takut sama masa depan, bebas dari kuatir sama kesehatan bokap, bebas dari keinginan2 ga penting di dalam hidup yang pada akhirnya cuman bikin capek tapi ga ada eternal effect.
Buat gw, total freedom adalah ketika mengikuti kehendak Tuhan dalam hidup kita rasanya bukan sacrifice or kepaksa or kepepet jadi nurut, tapi dengan sukacita yang cuman bisa berasal dari Tuhan sendiri.

Susah? I know lah susah. Makanya kita diproses.

Dan digoncang.

Another thing yang gw dapetin adalah, there is no freedom in our comfort zone.
There must be some 'shaking' involved in this matter.
Kaya Om Paulus dan Om Silas yang digoyang digoyang dulu pake gempa baru pintu penjaranya kebuka secara ajaib.

This means that all of creation will be shaken and removed, so that only unshakable things will remain.
Hebrew 12 : 27 NLT 

Ga enak banget serius.

Jadi ceritanya gw tiba2 melihat sesuatu yang seharusnya tidak gw lihat which really really disappoints me and well, some respect was lost that day.

Gw cuman bisa blg ke Ci Gil, 'Why me, Lord?'

Buat some people, yang gw liat ini mungkin biasa aja ya. Mungkin juga bisa dicuekin aja.
But for me, this thing has a deeper meaning.
Kaya dari dulu hal yang paling gw ga bs toleransi adalah infidelity dan hati yang serong. (Halah bahasa gw....)
Yak you get what I mean.
Mungkin karena background gw kali ya. Makanya gw ga bisa banget terima orang yg bercabang2 kemana2 menjalar2 dan akhirnya menyandung hahah lama2 gw kebablasan cerita bisa rempong.

Gw ga tahan dan gw cerita sm bonyok gw yang kebetulan lagi around.
Kesian deh kena curcol.
Anyway si Febe nyeletuk, 'Itu kan kak pertanyaannya. You keep saying "WHY ME?" Apa yang musti lu belajarin?'
Kadang sih dia bijak juga si Febe. Kadang banget. Kadaaaang.

Ya gw ga gitu ngerti gimana Tuhan ngomongnya.. Tapi hati gw menangkap maknanya. Tsahh!

Gw percaya :

38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” Luke 6 : 38 NIV

...for with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

I saw something that bothers me.
I am bothered because I expected MORE from one that I look up as seseorang yg lebih senior dari gw. Dia gagal memenuhi expectation gw tentang seorang 'senior'.
Padahal siapa sih di dunia ini yg sempurna? Kalo udah ada manusia yang bisa sempurna, bisa overcome his weaknesses terus totally suci dan tak bercacat, ngapain jg Yesus mati buat kita.
Justru karena kita semua punya weaknesses and limitations, Yesus mati. Because only THROUGH HIM then we can walk and see BEYOND our many weaknesses and limitations.

The same measure of expectation that I have put on him is exactly one that I have put on myself.
There are days when I have sinned or other days when I have failed to obey His directions, and I condemned myself for failing my own self-expectation of how a good daughter of Daddy God should be.
Which, by the way, is a perfect spot for the devil to drag my spirit down and draw my sight away from God and instead, focusing on my own failures.

This time, God allows me to SEE, so that I KNOW how I reacted and so that I KNOW that this is exactly why I need Jesus every second of every day, like, ALL TIME.
He wanted me to see that I need to be freed from this expectation that I need to be perfect all the times and let Him be my only perfection.
It's not about me, or who I am, or what I have done. It's because of Him!
The focus is not on us. Or our weaknesses.
It's ON HIM!
Knowing this by heart, I understand that the only one that I can boast about is Jesus.


The realization that He loves me despite all of THIS mess inside, just make me love Him deeper :)

By the end of the day, I just wanna say..
Thank You, God, for your unlimited supply of love that enables me to love others.
Help me to love like you do..
I love You!


26 Suddenly, there was a massive earthquake, and the prison was shaken to its foundations. All the doors immediately flew open, and the chains of every prisoner fell off! Acts 16:26 NLT.


Good night, Blessed People :)
Let's be ready for some earthquake that will set you free!

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