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You Can't Have the Promise Without The Pain

"So I ask you now. Will you just release me?"
Well, how do you respond to such question?

"What now God?" I whispered to my Father, the best adviser ever.
He said,
"I am not done yet. But now, let him go lor."

SERIOUSLY THO????? SINCE WHEN GOD SPEAK SINGLISH?? LOR? GOD?


Before you read on, a teeny weeny bit of disclaimer here :
If what you wanted to see is juicy stories on how a relationship initiated by God could fall apart once and for all, I bet you'd be disappointed.
R stories would remain his portion to tell.
Besides, how could you come home to your Father, the Father of LOVE, with hands full of slander?
Sons and daughters are being recognized through their love, aren't we?

So. Here goes. This is my side of the story.

This past one month was simply THE DARKEST I've even been through so far.
Trumping the affair of mom, and dad's other family, and even Febe's wandering around in the shadow. Trumping not getting any job and the threat of going back Indo for good.
Because in the family case, I couldn't actually choose. I just born in a family.
Meaning every baggage came with it is MY PORTION. God carried most of the burden tho.

While in this case, THIS RELATIONSHIP was MINE to choose.

Since the beginning, God never forced anything on me.
He offered me something MORE than life, which is HIS WILL.
And I took the offer, knowing that He loves me.
Knowing that my life is nothing if I live for myself. 
I have been bought with a very VERY high price.. 
We are always our Father's.
But OUR CHOICES would eventually determine how we're going to spend eternity.

Looking back the beginning of the end, it is amazing to see how God's hands were so so so visible.
I could see that God was the one pointing me towards a large 'crack'.
What I thought was a some sort of condemnation, was actually the truth.
That's the thing about God. We could hide. Well, we could TRY la ya.
But the Light was so bright, it's as if we're standing under the SUN and all the large pores were suddenly visible,  no matter how much concealer you've dabbed on your face. 
(Ahhh such girly analogy. ANYWAY YOU GET MY POINT).

Days turned to weeks.

I wouldn't know when the next 'bomb' would hit the quiet surface of my heart, causing big splish splash that was really REALLY tak boleh tahan. 
How many times I've been tempted to quit. To just call this OFF once and for all.
Because loving unconditionally, pursuing the one over the 99 was something that I never thought God would ask me to do. Well, maybe more in other stuff like Church or work thingy, but never in a relationship HAHAHA WELL WHAT DO I KNOW RIGHT?
If you ask me, you ga gengsi meh?
What is gengsi? Gengsi has left the room, out of the drain, so God could takeover every inch of the space of my heart.
And how liberating it is to be able to JUST OBEY.
Even when the command was humanly UNNECESSARY to do. UNFAEDAH kalo bahasa gaulnya.

Once, I've closed the door real hard on God's face.
I told Him, "Out. I'm done, God."
I was so tired of condemnation over condemnation.
I always know from the start that this war WAS NOT AGAINST FLESH AND BLOOD, but against the enemy of our soul, the evil one.
But at that moment, I was so TIRED, I literally told God : I. DONT. WANT. ANY. OF. IT.
But literally after I said that, my heart was still. In a VERY VERY COLD and DARK way.
That night, I attempted praying. Nothing came out from my mouth. My tongue was lifeless.
When I tried to read the Word, it was like reading a brochures left by the postman.
The next morning was even worse.
God reminded me on the effect of my family feud over me and Febe.
Febe turned emotional, while I, on the contrary, turned emotionless.
And God said, "Daughter, you're walking that way again, when you turned your back on Me."
Ohman.
PRAISE GOD, I was reminded to, "Ke, just close your eyes and call out to Jesus." 
So I did.
I went to office's toilet cubicle, get the door locked, and I sat there. 
Eyes closed.
I whisphered, "God.. Help.."
And there He came to  my rescue. As always.
He offered me His hands. His mighty, loving hands.
"Do you wanna get out from this cold, dark, hole of issolation?"
I was like, "YES *SOB*" and I took His hand.
He brought me into the light of day. It was sunny. And bright. And warm.
And soon enough, He whispered to my ear, "Persevere a little bit more."

SEE I KNEW IT! Haha. You want me to love a little bit more. Persevere a little bit more.
Have faith, a little bit more.
I guess it's not the CHALLENGE that kill our faith.. It is the LENGTH of the waiting, of the suffering that made us disheartened, and then eventually, give up.

See, I simply couldn't just pretend like we're good.
I couldn't lie to anyone, worse, to myself, that something in our relationship is REALLY, REALLY WRONG.
So we took a break.
It's supposed to a week praying break, which turned a few days longer.

The break was AWFULLY PAINFUL.
The praying part was the hardest. Thousand, no, million times harder than the fact that we're not communicating.
Because I think we're disconnected months ago.
So the emotional connection, for me, was not a problem at all.
There's no fear in being lonely, or jomblo again, or whatever it is that usually came with break-up.
I think THIS has proven (over and over again), that THE WHOLE IDEA OF THIS RELATIONSHIP WAS NOT MINE. Hahahaha. Father! I always knew it's You!
In fact, I didn't see any problem in ending all this.
Before this relationship came about, I was full and content and in the midst of chasing after God's heart for the generation. Even now, I still do. With greater magnitude and passion!
Shilton told me that I was like a CEO who were 'hired' from one company to another.
For restructuring purpose, and maybe giving direction if necessary? 
Yea maybe I'm God's own personalized hidden CEO. Of some sort. wkwkwkwk apa lah itu ya. 

But do you know the feeling when the Father has something in His heart for you to do.
But still He said, "Well, still your choice."
But you know.. Because you love Him, because He has given all He's got for you, and you're so in love with Him, you simply couldn't say NO.
You couldn't disobey when you love.
So. SO YA I OBEY LAH!

I keep praying. 
Until one point where I really didn't feel anything.
B aja gitu. I don't feel the sadness or the burden of any kind.
When I pray, the fire is there.
But not the heart. I didn't get to touch the Father's heart!
PANIC DONG YAH I. So I asked God to search my heart and let me know His verdict.
What's wrong with my heart, Dad?
It went like this,
"So, you feel no pain nothing kan? 'B' aja kan? Don't feel any urge to pray for R, right?"
I was like, "Uh huh. Uh huh" Nod nod.
He said, "It's because you're letting go of the promise.. little by little you're loosening your grip on My promises. That's why you don't feel the pain."
"........" Yep thats me.
"You see, Ke. You can't have the promise without the pain. You can't have the promise without the delays. Or without braving yourself to take the risk of disappointments."
I was..
Crying my eyeballs out.
Spot on la ya God. As always.
I didn't even realize that I did. But still..........

In one of the day, I woke up. Crying.
Abis sih dikirimin lagu gereja Indo mello banget gitu parah.
But then God said, 
Behold, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. - Isaiah 43:19

Right there and then, I knew that there's a new season coming up for me,
With. Or without R. The season is mine. My Father said so.
Excitement and expectation arose in my spirit.

But on the day where we're supposed to meet, we didn't.
WAH ANOTHER TURBULENCE COMING MY WAY.
There's this thought came in,
If there's even one promise of God that doesn't hold true, does it mean that everything that He is, is simply isn't true?
If this promise of God is untrue, does that mean GOD IS NOT ABSOLUTE.
If so, then He is not who I think He is.
Wah. My faith was shaken to the core!
But it only last a few seconds THANK GOD MY FRIEND, THANK GOD!
Next I know, I heard a testimony of a COOL friend who went through a rough patch due to a miscarriage. They were questioning a lot of things back then. But now, God has graced them with another baby. In fact, the father could testify to his mother (who's not a believer) that what has happened was God preparing them for this miracle. Everything was beautiful and he just gotta have faith.
Be still my heart.
Right there, I understood.

I have tried to understand my here and now, by looking back to the past. Of the promise, of the happenings, everything He revealed back then. But still. Everything couldn't answer the fact that THIS, EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS, is simply doesn't make any sense at all.
I have looked at all this from totally wrong perspective.
If I wanted to make sense the HERE and NOW, I can't look at the PAST and HISTORY.
If I wanted to make sense TODAY, I have to keep walking, keep stepping in faith, keep following God. Until one day (don't know when or where), I'd look back to what was supposedly THE NOW, and I would see everything start making sense.
All the pain. The tears. The stretch. The waiting.

Over what my eyes could see, I still chose to trust God's heart.
The Father's heart is for me. His beloved. 

Cut the story short, on June 23rd, exactly on our supposedly 11th month, we met.

"So I ask you now. Will you just release me?" R asked.
Well, how do you respond to such question?

I knew right there and then (and I told R this).
That THIS, ALL THIS, God has seen this coming.
I brought the faith journal R has given me last Christmas.
And an hour before the meeting, I've used up all the pages of the journal.
So I passed him the book, well, I don't know if it would be thrown out the second I left, but well, it's none of my concern anymore. My job is done the moment I wrote the last word on that book.

"What now God?" I whispered to my Father, the best adviser ever.
He said,
"I am not done yet. But now, let him go lor."

So I told him,
"As God has honored me before, I honor you. I release you.
Not only you. I release forgiveness. And blessings. And love. And all the good things that come from God."

I closed my eyes right there and then, and I gave thanks to the Lord.
I knew that when it was still SO RAW, it was the best moment to choose to PRAISE.
So I closed my eyes and I said, "God, You are good no matter what. I CHOOSE to love You!"


So I said goodbye. And I left.

Terus ada soundtrack lagu Korea gitu. Ya ga lah wkwkwkwkwkww.

Yea, that's about it, PEOPLEE!

All in all, I know that the beginning was God, He was the one who sustained till the end.

It is amazing to experience PEACE.
I leave the gift of peace with you—my peace. Not the kind of fragile peace given by the world, but my perfect peace. Don’t yield to fear or be troubled in your hearts—instead, be courageous! - John 14: 27 TPT

The kind of peace that holds your heart together when it was made to take one too many punches.
By right, my heart should be shattered into teeny tiny bits of pieces.
I should feel rejected, unwanted, confused, insulted. Bitter.

But His love overwhelmed me all through the start of the battle, till the end
Rest now, Daughter.
You've found faithful 'till the end.
Rest.
Because even the fiercest warrior needs to regain his strength.
There will be battles ahead.
Big, big ones.
But in a sense, lighter..
And so much easier for you.

But for now, rest, Daughter.
Rest.
Rest and wait for your reward.
For I honor your obedience.
I honor you

The Father is well-pleased *teary eyed* and that's all I need to know.

If you asked me, "But, aren't you broken-hearted, of some sort?"
Yes. My heart is broken. For R. Not because of R.

If you asked me, "So, that's the end, is it?"
Once again, all I know is, my journey with God has taken a steep turn.
Level up like never before. Behold!

And if you asked me, "Any regret?"
Well, remember when He told me, this "You see, Ke. You can't have the promise without the pain. You can't have the promise without the delays. Or without braving yourself to take the risk of disappointments."

This was and is my response:
"God. If it is You, I'll take the pain anytime. In any way. I rather bear the pain of walking with You, than living without You. If I didn't get Your heart, I rather be NOT LIVING at all.
Father, I'll take the pain anytime, if that means I got your heart."


One sweet closure.

Gece shared earlier before the Meeting, that God impressed on her about Noah.
How Noah out of obedience, built the Arch which has saved, well, practically, the world.

And the night after the Meeting , my 23rd July sister (we got attached in exactly same date), Fransislinx, told me a VERY VERY VERY VERY AMAZEBALL NEWS. She was proposed to!
I WAS IN TEARS! God whyyyy so good!
Like when I saw one thing crashed and burned before me, I saw something beautiful awaken.

And then God said,

"You see Linx?"
"Yes?"
"Daughter. That is YOUR RAINBOW. I'm making covenant with you. Hold my words tight, MY PROMISE STILL STANDS."


WOAA FATHER!

I guess this is not the end, eh, God?
My eyes are on You, Father!

But right now, the hero (or rather, heroine), must take her rest.
I gotta lay down all my weapons so I could come home, just be a child, and be held.
In the beginning of the journey, He spoken so much about child-like faith.
And now I'm coming back, Father.


Disarm, Child.
Go home and rest.
Take off your armor.
Lay down your weapon.

Disarm, Child.
Remember the beginning.
The promise of adventure.
Trust My heart.

Disarm, Child.
Behind the armor is a daughter.
Let go of all defenses.
Do net let your eyes lost its wonder.

Disarm, Daughter.
Hide yourself behind me, I am your refuge.
Armor down, for now it is no longer yours.
The battle is Mine, in case you're forgotten.


I remember, Father. I will always remember.

Comments

  1. Really glad sister, you have chosen to trust God and do good; you are braving through the storm and have thought of others before yourself. You are growing exponentially higher in His grace. Let love always be the motivation to our responses. I trust GOD has His purpose to everything in both of your lives. It will soon come to pass and both of you will continue to stand in awe at His good works after all this. Even now He worked through you to bless others with this fresh from the oven, heartfelt e-letter.


    Let's continue to be in HIS TOTAL CONTROL.

    When we adopt the habit of meditating His Word, we habitually will notice His Word manifesting in our daily walk.

    As we pray, His Word appears to edify us, in our mind, heart & soul; to convict and convince us to let go of our ways and to follow His guidance moving forward.

    We understand this temporary flesh/body of ours is the temple of God, in which the Holy Spirit dwells in us, there's little to no resistance into obeying God's Word in our daily walk.

    Our desires become less important to us. We think about Him more than anything; we choose to be more compassionate towards other people regardless what they have done; because they are also unable to do beyond their willpower.


    Let us let Jesus to hold on to our right hand and guide us through this process; transitioning from temporary life to eternal life.

    From mediocre to extraordinary life that's different from the world.

    Fighting sis! You have been blessed 🌷

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So true! I’ve been so blessed! Wow God is good!

      Delete

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