When God Made a Promise

“I know this is too fast. And please don’t ask me why, because I don’t have the answer. I don’t know why.”

“I won’t ask you why. Because I know.. It’s God.”

 

Wkwkwkwkwwkwkwkwkww duh supershy padahal biasanya ga tau malu. I’m still getting used to this. But those who viewed our IG feed and saw the pic posted in FB would know what this is all about. The Promise of God. It’s been there, mentioned the wholeee time in my earlier posts, yet unnamed. I’ll try to recall the whole story. Some details would be lost in translation because there are wayyyy TOO MANY. Haha.

Fyi. I’VE BEEN WAITING SOOO LOOOONG TO SHOUT THIS OUT LOUD.

So, here goes.

Last Sunday, R asked me out to dinner. A few days before, he’s mentioned this fancy place and I calmly (I think) said, “Yes, yes why not” while inside I was [insert screaming emoji here] knowing that this is not a normal dining experience. OMG.

I was so glad it’s through a text message, otherwise he would see me SCREAMING! I was SUPER ANXIOUS I told God, “Please please please I’m so so nerve-wreckingly nervous help me to stay calm please God. I want to enjoy the whole stuff please.”

My normal kinda Sunday. The Sunday service followed by lunch with the kiddos.

And then came 6 PM.

We went up to the 55^th floor. Seated. Meals and drinks ordered. The norm.

And when I was still finishing up my lamb something something, R started to talk.

I was surprisingly super calm inside and out (thank you Dad!).

He told me how he started to pay attention when we served together in 180. It was on April 15th (The WA group was still there lol). There’s something about me that is different. He told me he likes my faith, my character. Throughout his life, he has met so many people (ladies? Lol) but when we shared things, my point of views, my standpoints stood out. He told me the one time when he was at a low point in life, and there was this girl (just a normal girl without any background in theology whatsoever) telling him how God told her ‘this’ and ‘that’ and he thought, “I should be the one hearing all these stuff. I want what she has.” And this thought motivates him to run towards God.

So he prayed. About me. (Smiling while typing) And he told God how he likes me so much, and what should he do about it. How he couldn’t sleep at night thinking of possibilities. So R met Ko Rai, telling Ko Rai everything, asking Ko Rai to pray for this. Little did he know that I’ve been asking God this exact thing (HAHA!) I wanted R to ask my spiritual father first. Ya dong, ga maen samber anak orang kan lol. Yay God yay!

So. Finally. He asked me.

If I wanted to take things to the next level. If I would say yes.

“I know this is too fast. And please don’t ask me why, because I don’t have the answer. I don’t know why.”

“I won’t ask you why. Because I know.. It’s God. Can I tell my story?”

OMG GUYS FINALLY I CAN TELL HIM THE WHOLE STORY!

But when the time came, I was kinda shy bahahaha. I mean, I saw this coming. But still..

The background (I won’t repeat too much because I’ve written all about it several times lol) :

It was in May 2016 when God told me about ‘the nations’ which I thought was nothing, because it was so out of this world. It was around the same time when He asked me to step out from The Royals, my beloved family. I’ve blogged about this since earlier this year. But something terrible happened, and I told God that I couldn’t just leave. I asked for more time, until the end of last year. And He said, “Okay. Tapi jodoh kamu ketunda.” …I don’t really care lol. Been waiting my whole life, what’s the delay of 6 months. Besides, I thought He was just testing me or something lol.

It was after the last TLG bible camp in September, He reminded me of my promise to step out soon. Followed by ‘the prophecy” which has confirmed that ‘the nations’ is not something I misheard, but rather, His divine calling (which was still out of this world to me lol).

So the transitions began. Roma was appointed and anointed. December came.

I’ve done what I’ve been asked. I let go of The Royals. I got nothing left.

So what’s next, Dad?

WHAT I’VE NEVER TOLD YOU IS :

While I was asking for a direction, do you know what He’s given me?

1 Peter 3 : 1-7 and Ephesians 5 : 22-32. Two days in a row. I thought, “Yaya. Coincidence. If a similar verse came up in the 3^rd day, now THAT’s something..”

…and 1 Peter 3 was one of the reference verse in the FA share for the week.

…Ok la God.. speak.. I’m listening.

So earlier in January, while SEEKING DESPERATELY ON WHAT TO DO NEXT (because I simply hate doing nothing. I mean, a leader without anything to lead, is not a leader after all, right? Or so I thought at that moment..) God said something SO OUT OF THIS WORLD. OUT OF THIS PLANET. OUT OF THIS UNIVERSE.

“Would you like Me to reveal the one?”

I was like.. GOD. PLEASE. THAT IS NOT MY CONCERN RIGHT NOW, OKAY. I NEED DIRECTION. NOT.. THIS!

But He asked again. And well. Even if THIS was not my priority at that point of time, well, an answer is better than no answer at all, right? Even if the topic was totally irrelevant (or so I thought wkwkwk suka sotoy).

He asked again.

“What do you think of Ronny?

SERIOUSLY GOD. THIS IS THE WEIRDEST THING EVER! WEIRD DOESN’T EVEN COME CLOSE TO THIS OKAY.

But somehow I just said, “Well. Okay. If this is You. But please let me know 100% that this is You. And I will follow.”

…looking back I was wondering why I was so brave back then lol.

Anyway.

“So pray Kez. Don’t pray for him to pay attention to you. Pray like he’s one of your closest friend.”

Ok la God. Ok.

So the season of praying for a stranger began.

I pray for protection. For wisdom. For things that I would pray for close friends of mine.

You know what. Most of the challenges were not external, mostly were internals.

My worst enemy was myself.

The first one was “the fear of losing God.” I was so scared that I would love someone more than I love God. The thought that one day I woke up and I couldn’t see Him face to face, because He is no longer the centre of my universe was sososososo unbearably terrifying! I told God.. Please. Take this away from me, if there’s even a slight chance that this will come between You and I.

But He assured me. “Don’t worry kiddo. I know your portion well. Whatever comes from me will never overwhelm you or throw you off-balance. In fact, when you come to love him, your love to Me will increase. You simply can’t love the gift greater than the Giver. Trust me. I love you. I know you.”

Ok la God. Ok.

So I continued to pray. The 2^nd month of praying for a stranger.

The second challenge was “the fear of being baper sendiri wkwk”. Because when you pray, you gotta open your heart, right? Unless it comes from the deepest part of your heart, it’s not a sincere prayer, mere words. So I open my heart a little bit more and pray. BUT HOW YA. I SAW THIS GUY WALKING AROUND AND I’M SCARED OF FEELING THINGS THAT IS NON-EXISTING AND MAKE A FOOL OF MYSELF. I asked God, “Please God, please. I don’t wanna hurt myself in the process.”

Again, He assured me, “I’m the One who protects your heart. You are my beloved daughter. I won’t ever ever put you in any kind of harm. Trust me. I got this covered. I love you”

Ok la God. Ok.

So I continued to pray. The 3^rd month of praying of a stranger.

And I’m getting tired of not seeing anything. Anything at all. God?

There were times when I didn’t feel like it. When God nudged me to pray and I was like, “Whatever, God. I’m tired of this.” But then the next day, there’s a new supply of strength. So I pray. It was not easy to persevere in your prayer when your human eyes saw no change at all. The mountains were still there.

There were 3 things mainly that burdened me to the point that I almost gave up entirely.

Firstly, we were in a very different circles. Almost no mutual friend. Like he’s in the south pole and I was in the north pole. To wander off from TLG was never an option for me. Unless God told me so, I won’t budge, not even for this, sorry people. And to think that he would somehow be around TLG, was like waiting for GSS in SG. It’s once a year thing, guys! Lol.

Secondly, different backgrounds, obviously. Like. He works full time at the Church and I’m a 9-6 accountants. Definitely different interest and we might as well talking different language. 

Thirdly, racial backgrounds. I always pray for a drama-free love life. I told God that I was born and bred in the midst of family drama that I never voluntarily involved myself in. “I don’t need another extra drama, God. I just want a simple one, really..”

These 3 things weighed me down so bad.. 

All I can see is impossibilities..

One day, I thought “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!” I asked God. (Well, more like a bitter complain of some sort wkwkw.)

“Why why why why Lord.. Why me? Why this! This is too hard. Too impossible. Too much for me! Can you give me a lighter challenge here? HELP.”

..and He calmly reminded me of my prayer I prayed before all this thing happened..

I once said to Him, “God.. I want to tell my kids and grandkids that they are miracles. Because their dad/grandad and I are miracles.”

He reminded me, that in order to see miracles, I have to be in a place of impossibilities. LOL God. Okay. WHY YOU REMEMBER MY PRAYER BACK THEN???? WHY CAN’T YOU JUST FORGET?

So greget you know.. haha. I love how God knows me better than I know myself. But at the same time, I kinda regret asking this ‘miracle thingy’ lol. But yea. I know His plan is always perfect and that He loves me so much, so I decided to stay on course ‘till I see His promise comes to pass.

Came April.

I was asked to serve in one session of 180 Leader’s Camp together with TLG team (Ci Beck, Ci Manda, Roma, Ocha. My bunch) and I saw his name. HAHA. Okay God.. Okay.

I was kinda nervous. Not so much laaa.. Just a bit really.  But I asked God.. “Please help me to focus on You.” I didn’t want to be distracted to the point that my heart wanders around when it should be doing its purpose : worshipping God. Besides, this guy doesn’t deserve the attention that is meant for God.

And really. It was a great worship experience for all of us. God is good!!! The whole time I was so calm. Like God was protecting my heart. I was able to function properly like nothing special. The most important is, I was able to worship freely. Haha.

Then we had lunch, my bunch and I, plus R. LOL. Out of nowhere, he told us his stories. How he got here in SG. How he followed God. And that God has given him a vision for nations.

N A T I O N S

My heart skipped a beat hearing that word. I saw Tirza’s face lol. And I didn’t dare to look at Roma who sat beside me. BAHAHAHAAHAHA! I always share my daily stuff to them so practically they know everything about the calling. That's why when R spoke the word, they were in utter SHOCK.

I won’t ever forget that moment.

It’s like when a ray of sunlight fell through the crack of darkness. Such a glorious moment..

“See, this was not random. Not at all.”

Ok la God. Okay!

WOW GOD WOW.

But if you think that’s the end of the waiting, well, NOT REALLY. LOL.

Not at all.

I always knew one day, while running towards God, I would cross path with someone who’s running towards Him as well. Someone with similar purpose and calling. Same direction. BUT I NEVER THOUGHT THAT GOD WOULD SPEAK THIS LOUD AND CLEAR. Mungkin Tuhan tau saya kurang peka hahahaha. Anyway.

I imagined that one day, I would meet this guy. We’d grow closer. We’d pray about it. Confirmation upon confirmation. And the final sign would be THIS. The calling thingy. But God had just ‘ruined’ my self-made made ‘finding a partner’ manual book and replaced the pages with such WILD JOURNEY.

But after after a few days, I kinda get it. Why this confirmation was revealed before anything else? Because unless I knew that there’s a firm assurance of the reason behind all this, I would have thrown in my towel. I would have given up.

Well I thought once the door was opened, it would be opened forever. But after The Lunch, everything went back to normal. With daily life and TLG. I still couldn’t see a way, no chance for progress. It was like taking a train ride in a veryyyy long tunnel. It was dark. When suddenly your platform passed through an opening in the tunnel, and for a split second, you could finally SEE. But then the train kept moving forward, and you were back with the darkness of the tunnel.

I was back with my struggle to pray for the impossible. Nothing much happened.

Or so I thought.

Because in the first week of May, God has brought me to a completely new place. Out of my comfort zone the Royals, to lead Hei. I’ve been looking forward to that day. Well, God didn’t hang me to dry after all. Hahaha. He knew that as much as the kiddos needed a leader, I needed them as well. So, the first FA was scheduled. May 5^th.

R texted me a few times, hinting that he’d happily help out playing guitar every Friday. But I kinda pushed him away to The Royals because I was already too overwhelmed with the thoughts of entering a new season, new place, new kiddos, which means adjustments, MAJOR adjustments, new strategy, and really, I DESPERATELY needed God right then and there, like a helpless child clings to her father. I was too preoccupied with my thoughts of meeting the kiddos without the presence of any existing leaders/cores. I sure didn’t need another ‘distraction’ from this guy, okay.

..but then Ci Beck contacted R asking his help to play guitar.

………………………why God.

Hei ה Grace. And that was mainly what I asked from God a few hours before the session began. I asked for His grace so I would be able to just be myself. I didn’t want to be too busy making first impression to the kids and to R, I didn’t make any room for the Holy Spirit to move freely. So I prayed for grace. I prayed for the Holy Spirit to take charge. Not by my might or my strength.

And it was a day to be remembered. IT WAS ALL GOD. Everything went SUPERWELL. From the ice-breaker games. To the PW. And the sharing. How the kiddos simply opened up. Just like that. And mostly! Mostly, because I knew that God was in charged from the start. He told me, “You see. He is not your portion. He is MINE.” I knew right there and then that I could simply rest. It’s not up to me to make him pay attention. God would fight my battle. Sip, God! Sip!

The next milestone was in Empowered21 HAHAHAHAHAHA.

I’ve blogged mostly about it here http://seraphinean.blogspot.sg/2017/06/i-belong-to-youth.html

About the privileged to serve OMG. And how God revealed so much stuff about ministering to the youth.

And then.. there’s this,

"Nonono. God didn't stop there. He (slowly, as usual lol) fulfil His promise!
The one that initiated by Him, doubted, assured, doubted, re-assured, to the point that I could say, I would only run 'this way' because of Him. My confidence is in Him. Not in.. other stuff lol.
Maybe one day I'll share about this. But not now because a woman gotta sleep. LOL. Tomorrow gotta werkwerkwerkwerkwerk."

Ignore the ‘werkwerkwerkwerkwerk’ lol.

In fact, R was the one who brought up my name when they’re looking for a singer. I didn’t know if this was ‘a modus’. I didn’t even care because I know that God is sovereign and nothing could ever happen without His stamp of approval. During the conference, we had a chance to talk. Like, a proper one. Not just simply a ‘hi-bye’. Simply sat, I enjoyed his company. So much. And I knew that God had done an awesome job protecting my heart, otherwise, I’d be flying over the moon and superbaper pasti dah.

He asked me out for a lunch date (which I didn’t dare to consider as a date at all okay bahaha). He asked twice before, but I only gave a noncommittal ‘Ok ok. Once my sore throat gone, etc etc’. I was scared. So scared. THIS was totally out of my comfort zone, okay. I wanted to go. But I was scared..

But then I promised God that if he asked me the 3^rd time, I WOULD DEFINITELY SAY YES! Please God please make him asked one more time and I will say yes. Hahahahahaahhah I didn’t want to miss out just because I was afraid of the ‘what if-s’.

And then he asked for the 3^rd time. And off we went. Quick-dinners before prayer tower, TLG practice, etc etc. There were moments when I just stare at him, thinking, “God, are you sure?” lol.

You see, the thing is, I didn’t have any feeling at all. Like. You know. There’s no blinding infatuation at all. I was able to think clearly. I was able to discern my own feeling the whole time. But I know, I know that it was all God, because I’m the kind of person who fall head over heels. Typically, once I ‘fell’ I wouldn’t be able to think straight, let alone pray ‘let Your will be done’. But this time round, this time.. It’s all God. I was never in any panic, or over-thinking mode. I was never busy analysing if he tried to sending me hints or giving me signal. I was able to shrug off all the time/energy-consuming assumptions. There were doubts like, “What is he doing, really? Was he just testing the water? Was he just being friendly?” but in a split second, God would tell me, “Remember how you started all this. Remember that it was ALL ME?” And all insecurities disappear. Just like that.

A few more quick-dinners, and the rest is history.

There are so many giants we gotta conquer before we take possession of our promise land. This journey will be anything but easy haha. Honestly, I’ve told R that I was scared. But I know that God is the author and perfecter of our faith. And the assurance that He’s holding us together is more than enough to keep us continue walking towards whatever He has for us.

There’s still so many pretty little details that were just too beautiful to comprehend. Seen as a whole, we knew that it’s ALL GOD. This is ALL GOD’s story, His masterplan, His grand design. I’m SUPERDUPER AMAZED by how perfect His plan is. I mean, I never doubt that He is the Master Planner of the entire planet and the universe, you know. But I never thought that IT’S GONNA BE THIS PERFECT. Like, the level of perfection is so out of this world. So thorough. Inside out, 360 degree etc etc.

Girl to girls, I just wanna say.. For those who are in the waiting.. Wait on God.

He knows the deepest desire of your heart. The Father knows his daughter better than she knows herself. He loves you and has chosen you to be His beloved daughter, even before you’re conceived in your mother’s womb. He has set you apart to be His mighty warrior who’ll fight side by side with Him.

And while you’re in the waiting, wait on God. Dive deeper into His heart. You’ll find that truly, His love is enough. In fact, you will never find any greater purpose, greater sense of security, greater meaning in life, and definitely, greater LOVE, in other things that is not God. Yes there is pain in the waiting, there is mountains and hills and valleys and sometimes it's sunny, other times it’s raining heavily. Well, mostly it’s kinda like you’re in the dark. But be strong and courageous! Keep moving forward, keep choosing God, keep walking through the door He opens for you. Keep saying YES to God. It’s not going to be easy. But it’s going to be worth it. God is always more than worth it. He is everything.

 

To God be the glory!