I didn't get to write a few things that happened and revealed to me on the previous post.
Well, maybe so that I could have MORE to write till this point of time.
DISCLAIMER : This post has been vetted by a very kind, pretty, and smart cici yang minta namanya disebutkan baru dia mau vet. CICI TINA MUSTIKA. Single? Definitely. Available? Must ask her Father first for her hand. Otherwise, confirm won't make it la ya hahahaha.
Ok I asked her to check because I don't want this post to be some kind of post-breakup rant that definitely UNFAEDAH yah. Maklum dulu pernah alay wkwkwkkwwk trust me this blog was from 2010 (or 2009) and earlier posts, they ain't pretty, mate!
OK RIGHT ON.
The day after was SUPER BUSY. Went out quite early and reached home close to midnite.
Spending whole day with The Channel's friends, watching movie and stuff.
I went back home spent. Not only tired, I felt SUPER EMPTY like a big void in my heart.
I was like, "Hehe. Father, what's wrong ya?"
He went like, "Ke.. Don't run away. We need to talk."
Uh oh.
See, deep down I know that what I need the most was a quiet time with Him, just rest.
Butttt, I was kinda scared if I sit still, He likes to challenge me with FUNNY FUNNY REQUEST. WHY LIKE DAT LAH, LORD? Like, can I just rest ANYHOW I wanna rest?
Ya well apparently I can't. HAHAHAHAH.
So I cried my eyeballs out when I came back to Him with whatever strength I have left.
I told Him that I just wanna be held.
I told Him that I just wanna be comforted. And loved. And to be told that everything's going to be okay. That my Father's love is forever mine.
And that's exactly what He did..
He hugged me and I fell asleep in peace.
..emang tukang tidur sih basically.
The toughest part so far was during COOL.
Ok if you ask me WHY YOU EVEN BOTHER TO GO BACK TO THAT SAME COOL?
Because when I took steps after steps to move out from TLG to The Channel, I have been assured and made clear for thousand times (at least), that everything has got nothing to do with R.
Every movement that I do was compelled by the Holy Spirit.
And at this very moment, this assurance was finally tested and proven true.
So I'm staying where I am because I know that's where God wants me to do.
As God is immovable, so am I.
What makes it so tough was because every time I saw him, I remember.
I remember when he asked me to release him, it keeps resounding in my ear over, and over, and over again.
Even if I understood that hurt people hurt people, the background and all that, the evil one kept whispering lies to my ear. Saying that THAT is my identity.
That I am not loved.
I went home deflated.
I sat on my quiet-time-tatami (yes, there's such thing wkwk) in my room.
I didn't say anything to God, I just cried.
I guess He understood.
He told me,
"Let it all out, Daughter.
Just let yourself fall.
You are held by my grace.
You are loved."
When the theme for The Channel Bible camp is out, I was OVERJOYED.
Glorious Ruins. I know that people needs to be reminded that without God, we're basically nothing but ruins. But when we come back to God as we are, He is able to restore what was broken IN ABUNDANCE. The thing is, most of the time, we prefer to hide in the dark.
Behind veils. Behind masks.
I understood the dark may bring comfort. Temporarily.
Because then the Holy Spirit in you would shout, "OUT OUT OUT TO THE LIGHT."
The thing is, the evil one would then should back, "NOOO. Hide! Too much blinding truth in the light! Too much pain will be exposed. Don't! Stay!"
And, friends, that's how the evil one tricked you into missing out lots and lots of doors God has opened that would lead you deeper into God given destiny in your life.
But I DON'T WANT TO MISS OUT THE DOORS!
I DON'T WANNA STUCK 40 YRS IN THE DESERT JUST TO DRIVE OUT THE VICTIM MINDSET OUT OF ME!
I DON'T WANNA MISS OUT ON ANYTHING ON THIS JOURNEY, FATHER!
I DON'T WANNA MISS OUT ON YOU, LORD!
So I came to the light. And I opened the second page of the new journal.
(OH! This was courtesy of Ci Tina. Given to me months ago. But the faith journal was still on back then. WELL, WELL, GOD AND HIS TIMING.)
There's different Bible verses on every pages, and here's what I got in second page,
"A friend loves at all times" Proverbs 17:17
I cried my eyeballs out right there and then.
I cried because I know that I still couldn't love R the way I love my other friend.
I couldn't pray wholeheartedly for him the way I pray for others.
I couldn't love the way God has loved me : at all times.
Aku sedih.
So I told God, "I'm sorry, Father.. I'm so far away from loving the way You love."
"Help me to love like You do."
And He gave me another verse from my devo time,
"But instead be kind and affectionate toward one another. Has God graciously forgiven you? Then graciously forgive one another in the depths of Christ's love." Ephesians 4:32 TPT
IN THE DEPTHS OF CHRIS'T LOVE.
Not MY love. Wew. Ok right there I understood! Wow yea true!
I couldn't forgive, or love, if I were to dig the water from within myself.
I gotta let the Father pours out His love to me until it overflows!!
So today, it's only about 10AM-ish when 3 persons texted me consecutively.
AND THEIR TEXTS WAS LIKE PUZZLE PIECES, WHEN PUT TOGETHER..
OH MAN MINDBLOWN!
The first one was Vanie, my twisted-sister.
Vanie and her dream HAHAHAHAH OH MAN. The way God works ya.
Always super unpredictable. Like. Come on! Hahahahah. So God.
In her dream, she told me that I was hurting.
Which was funny because waking up, she's kinda confused because she thought I was fine.
But when I told her that I was hurting, she was like WHAT SO THE DREAM WAS NOT JUST A DREAM THEN.
Sorry can't be so detail about the dream because it's not just about me.
She told me to take my time to heal. Knowing my character (more Martha than Mary), I might rush into pushing myself to heal when all I need is to take my time.
"Nanti cuman kaya di band-aid when all you need is stitches."
True true true, Sis. Tumben wkwkwk.
She told me, "See how God loves you. I normally dream about useless stuff. But not this time. How God loves you. He made me dream."
AHAHAHA GOD.
The second one was ci Tina. (Tuh udah mention berapa kali? Dapet piring cantik minimal)
She suddenly texted me,
"Are you sure that you've completely forgiven?
No bitterness or the feeling of being offended?"
I told her my story from last night and what God has revealed to me.
That yes, I was hurting. But then God came to my rescue.
She told me that she's happy that I'm brave enough to admit that I wasn't okay.
Because that was God has told her last night, to support me in prayer.
AGAIN, MINDBLOWN WEW.
Yeah, as 'holy' as I might look like, I'm just a human. Flesh and blood (while I'm in this world).
And when someone wronged us, our flesh would scream, "OFFENSE! OFFENSE! DEFEND YOURSELF" and that, my friend, was the beginning of how people build walls around their hearts.
We build walls because we're worried if people see our flaws and they'll see the ugly truth.
We build walls because we're worried if people see our flaws and they'll see the ugly truth.
This wall might look like a protection at the beginning.
But this is the VERY SAME WALL that hinders God to reach out to us.
Ih serem. Ga pake wall2an deh ya, God. Just love. No walls. Ok? Ok sip.
The third was from my dearest sister yang namanya sudah meroket di blog ini jaman dia masih berkeliaran belom ditangkep Tuhan.
She told me that yesterday, she was called and moved to lead prayer group for her cell group.
She told me that THAT'S WHEN SHE KNEW THAT I WAS BEING SHAKEN UP. (#shook)
I was like, "Hah? Whuud? How? What? .."
She told her story,
"I was trying to get in deeper in prayer, but somehow, it's harder to get to the Father's heart this time around."
But she persisted. She asked the Holy Spirit to move and help her to connect.
At that moment, she saw a vision 'like a bunch of people kneeling down, hands up'.
She cried (ih sama kita). This is open heaven.
That's when she realized, when God told me to retreat (to rest) and become the 'defense', Febe was moved as a front-line attacker.
She told me how before she bowed down in prayer, God really stressed out to Febe to pre-pray : SHIELD.
SHIELD.
SHIELD.
SHIELD.
--------------i was dumbfounded (meskipun ga gt ngerti wkwk).
Apparently I'm not the only person who doesn't get it, because Febe was also asking,
"Err. Why shield? Shouldn't it be sword?"
And then SHE GETS IT (I didn't).
This is all GOD's scenario.
Romans 8 MSG
29-30 God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.
Febe told me that she realized that she got it!
The initial design for the 2 of us, is to be hand in hand,
She reminded me a few weeks before 'the crisis' begun.
Back then I was busy complaining about the pressured that was even higher than before, when I flipped one page from 'Girl With Swords' (Lisa Bevere's) and it was the chapter on how sword is being forged. Through fire, and high pressure, and water.
Before busy complaining about the pressure, I was busy complaining about the fire.
Like the kind of fire that purify gold.
And water speaks about shifts. Changes in life.
That time I was just moved out from TLG for good.
"Do you remember about the sword? How it is your main weapon?"
"Lo tau kan kalo lo itu masih di destined to hold sword?"
... I was like .................
"You always are. Only know, you've been told to pull back."
OMGGGGGG NO WONDER. DISARM. REST. Ok the puzzle pieces were nicely aligned!
Febe went,
"You're now being equipped once more, re-heated and re-shaped. Because after this, you'll be used even greater than before." Even more gila2an tuh nyilet nusuk2nya.
"Meanwhile, I'm the noob, apparently, AM THE SHIELD."
"In front, to protect. That's why God gave me lots and lots and visions. So I know what's going on in the spiritual world. I can foresee the enemy's strategy. And then I will tell you, "Oy, mereka mau nyerang ini itu."
JAWDROP MOMENT GENGSSSS.
I WAS.
OK.
Oh, haven't I tell you about the visions God's given Febe before?
Will share in another post, aight. Ini kaga kelar2 and I gotta have my beauty sleep.
Cut the story short, I knew why the devil was so persistent in tearing my family apart back then.
But this. THIS! This explains everything.
Why the devil was so busy finding loophole (my father's past and bitterness and my mom's disappointment?) just to ensure we're screwed and done for good.
No surprise if the devil always attacks what we value the most, and why bother attacking?
Because he's afraid of what we will do in the future for the Kingdom glory when we are awaken to who we really are!
And..
No surprise if the devil always attacks what we value the most, and why bother attacking?
Because he's afraid of what we will do in the future for the Kingdom glory when we are awaken to who we really are!
And..
WETZ! God is not done yet!!!!!!!!!!
It's so amazing to see all the puzzle pieces fall..
And seeing all this, THE TRUTH, has sets my heart free.
In an instance, my focus is shifted from being someone who's hurting into who I really am:
When my focus is shifted, I'm no longer a slave of fear.
I was reminded that I was never a victim.
In fact, my Father has waved the banner of victory 2000 years ago.
And here I am, re-assured, re-focused of my purpose in this world.
I won't be shaken by the lies of the evil one when the reality is : DEATH HAS BEEN DEFEATED.
Suddenly there's so much space in my heart for love.
And forgiveness.
And suddenly, it's easier for me to disarm every weapon.
To come back home, and just be a child. Be held by the Father.
Yes. My God, my Banner, has walked before me through every valleys.
He hides me under His mighty wings.
And suddenly I know, everything is going to be alright.
My Father reigns.
To God be the glory forever and ever.
Comments
Post a Comment