You're a good good Father
It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are
And I'm loved by You
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am.
ALL TIME FAVORITE SONG.
Especially for such season.
OK BEWARE CURCOL.
I know, I know the fire furnace might not get me burned, but it is still HOT nonetheless..
The reason why I write everything down here is that so one day, when a new season comes, I'll be able to look back and told everyone, "SEE. God never disappoints! When He makes a promise, it is as good as DONE." and then I'll be able to tell my future-self, "Ke, just do it (whatever it is)". Hahaha.
Here goes.
Yesterday while waiting for the COOL (ok lah I should get use to this instead of FA), I met the peeps who's going for prayer tower. And one of them told me, "Ke, kalo udah ketemu temen baru, jangan lupain temen lama."
WAH BRO WAH BRO. Ok English.
I wanna tell him that I MISS YOU GUYS EVERY NOW AND THEN and the reason why I decided to stop, like really stop, going to TLG is because I know if I still go, I may be tempted to cancel my YES to God once and for all wkwkwkwkwkwwkw. I know my limit and I guess He knows better. He kept me busy haha.
Comparison is the worst enemy. And from the start, I know that comparison will only get me dissatisfied (at least) or disheartened (at worst). Besides, I understand that He's teaching me new things and equipping me with new kind of 'ammunition'. Sort of. Yaaa I know comparison is pointless and may look harmless, but on the contrary I think comparison is one of the most effective weapon used to deceive us by the father of lies.
I know all the theory. But when it is my turn to step into the battle ground, I found that it is MUCH EASIER SAID THAN DONE.
And you know what, when I start to compare, not only I got dissatisfied, I felt SO DRY.
Like. Desert kind of dryness wkwkwkwkwkwkwkw.
But the Father is so so faithful.. Aw God...
One time, I was so desperate for God and in the PW session, despite the unknown song and completely different kind of worship experience, I cried out to God.
"Whatever, God. Will You just come? I don't care about the music, or the surroundings, or the atmosphere. Can You just come? I need You."
And soon enough.. His presence enveloped me and His love overwhelmed me..
That night, while bathing (idk why the greatest revelation usually found under the shower hmm) but He told me this sobering truth,
"See, Ke, all this time you've been fixated on the "HOW". But when I stripped you off of everything, you'll get the CORE of everything. You get ME."
SLAP AND SLAP! ALL THIS TIME! I cared so much about method, about the songs, about the people who worship together, the ambience of worship. And nothing's wrong with all that actually. But in this season, God allows me to stand alone. Until hunger and thirst consumed me.
One word that He impressed on me was : DESPERATION.
When everything else is stripped away, my ego and pride, the only thing that is left is my desperation for Him.. And true to His words.. “You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat. Matthew 5 : 6 MSG.
He satisfies. He truly does.
Another challenge was in the relationship wkwkwk.
Well, I don't think R will read this post so.. I guess : freedom of speech, maybe? HAHAHA.
I used to being watched, held accountable by my mentors.
I had a lot of people who got my back totally and completely and unreservedly.
Hahaha. I mean, we're still in touch etc. But you know it is not the same anymore.
I've seen more of R than I used to. No complain here wkwkwk.
But I'm afraid of clinging a little bit more than I should to him.
Well, I'm learning how to depend without depending on him (kata Vanie sih dia ngerti, kalo Vanie ngerti I think it's good enough hahahaha).
And recently I learned a lot.. Eh wait. GOD MADE me learned a lot about His kind of love.
The kind that is DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. The kind that overcomes all weaknesses and covers all our sin. Seriously guys, enjoy your season of singleness because HERE is where the battle ground is being levelled up wkwwkkw no joke.
Growing up, God taught me to guard my heart at all cost.
But when I'm in a relationship, I learn to be vulnerable before R because otherwise, he won't know who I really am wkwkwk.
So I tried to be as real as R as I am with God.. In good times and bad times.
The thing is, being vulnerable means, he has a direct access to my heart which affects me more than anyone ever does (besides God, of course laa).
One of my friend could tell if I was sad, and you know what she said?
"Pasti R. Karena hanya R yang bisa." wkwkwkwkwk oh man.
I thought about my jomblo life before R.
And I saw everything WAS GOOD wkwkwkwkkwwkwk.
So why, why should I open myself to the possibility of getting hurt etc etc drama drama drama.
And He reminded me that He was the One who started all this.
That means.. It's not up to me to quit wkwkwwk.
MAN HOW I TEMPTED TO QUIT.
Not saying that R is not a good guy, no no not at all.
Recently I was contemplating the degree of 'fairness' in a relationship.
Then He reminded me..
While I'm still a sinner, He died for me.
I should be the one who died on the cross.. But He took my place..
That's how much He loves me.
And it is unfair! His love is unfair!
Jesus is blameless! But He obediently let Himself be mocked and tortured and died painfully.. for me. He recklessly gave it all for me..
What I'm saying is.. Even the one that came straight from the heart of God would cause 'discomfort' of some sort. Simply because we are imperfect human beings.
But our imperfections are the very place where God's perfect love may gloriously displayed.
I could rest assure in knowing my Father's heart.
He loves me. No question ask. He loves me so much.
Hence, whatever comes from Him is always for my good.
In my case.. I got to know a little bit more about His sacrificial love..
When I demand for attention, or fairness, or consolation, He points me back to the Cross.
He reminds me that my life is the very prove of His love..
And that is, for me, more than enough reason to love R a little bit more..
It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are
And I'm loved by You
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am.
ALL TIME FAVORITE SONG.
Especially for such season.
OK BEWARE CURCOL.
I know, I know the fire furnace might not get me burned, but it is still HOT nonetheless..
The reason why I write everything down here is that so one day, when a new season comes, I'll be able to look back and told everyone, "SEE. God never disappoints! When He makes a promise, it is as good as DONE." and then I'll be able to tell my future-self, "Ke, just do it (whatever it is)". Hahaha.
Here goes.
Yesterday while waiting for the COOL (ok lah I should get use to this instead of FA), I met the peeps who's going for prayer tower. And one of them told me, "Ke, kalo udah ketemu temen baru, jangan lupain temen lama."
WAH BRO WAH BRO. Ok English.
I wanna tell him that I MISS YOU GUYS EVERY NOW AND THEN and the reason why I decided to stop, like really stop, going to TLG is because I know if I still go, I may be tempted to cancel my YES to God once and for all wkwkwkwkwkwwkw. I know my limit and I guess He knows better. He kept me busy haha.
Comparison is the worst enemy. And from the start, I know that comparison will only get me dissatisfied (at least) or disheartened (at worst). Besides, I understand that He's teaching me new things and equipping me with new kind of 'ammunition'. Sort of. Yaaa I know comparison is pointless and may look harmless, but on the contrary I think comparison is one of the most effective weapon used to deceive us by the father of lies.
I know all the theory. But when it is my turn to step into the battle ground, I found that it is MUCH EASIER SAID THAN DONE.
And you know what, when I start to compare, not only I got dissatisfied, I felt SO DRY.
Like. Desert kind of dryness wkwkwkwkwkwkwkw.
But the Father is so so faithful.. Aw God...
One time, I was so desperate for God and in the PW session, despite the unknown song and completely different kind of worship experience, I cried out to God.
"Whatever, God. Will You just come? I don't care about the music, or the surroundings, or the atmosphere. Can You just come? I need You."
And soon enough.. His presence enveloped me and His love overwhelmed me..
That night, while bathing (idk why the greatest revelation usually found under the shower hmm) but He told me this sobering truth,
"See, Ke, all this time you've been fixated on the "HOW". But when I stripped you off of everything, you'll get the CORE of everything. You get ME."
SLAP AND SLAP! ALL THIS TIME! I cared so much about method, about the songs, about the people who worship together, the ambience of worship. And nothing's wrong with all that actually. But in this season, God allows me to stand alone. Until hunger and thirst consumed me.
One word that He impressed on me was : DESPERATION.
When everything else is stripped away, my ego and pride, the only thing that is left is my desperation for Him.. And true to His words.. “You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat. Matthew 5 : 6 MSG.
He satisfies. He truly does.
Another challenge was in the relationship wkwkwk.
Well, I don't think R will read this post so.. I guess : freedom of speech, maybe? HAHAHA.
I used to being watched, held accountable by my mentors.
I had a lot of people who got my back totally and completely and unreservedly.
Hahaha. I mean, we're still in touch etc. But you know it is not the same anymore.
I've seen more of R than I used to. No complain here wkwkwk.
But I'm afraid of clinging a little bit more than I should to him.
Well, I'm learning how to depend without depending on him (kata Vanie sih dia ngerti, kalo Vanie ngerti I think it's good enough hahahaha).
And recently I learned a lot.. Eh wait. GOD MADE me learned a lot about His kind of love.
The kind that is DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. The kind that overcomes all weaknesses and covers all our sin. Seriously guys, enjoy your season of singleness because HERE is where the battle ground is being levelled up wkwwkkw no joke.
Growing up, God taught me to guard my heart at all cost.
But when I'm in a relationship, I learn to be vulnerable before R because otherwise, he won't know who I really am wkwkwk.
So I tried to be as real as R as I am with God.. In good times and bad times.
The thing is, being vulnerable means, he has a direct access to my heart which affects me more than anyone ever does (besides God, of course laa).
One of my friend could tell if I was sad, and you know what she said?
"Pasti R. Karena hanya R yang bisa." wkwkwkwkwk oh man.
I thought about my jomblo life before R.
And I saw everything WAS GOOD wkwkwkwkkwwkwk.
So why, why should I open myself to the possibility of getting hurt etc etc drama drama drama.
And He reminded me that He was the One who started all this.
That means.. It's not up to me to quit wkwkwwk.
MAN HOW I TEMPTED TO QUIT.
Not saying that R is not a good guy, no no not at all.
Recently I was contemplating the degree of 'fairness' in a relationship.
Then He reminded me..
While I'm still a sinner, He died for me.
I should be the one who died on the cross.. But He took my place..
That's how much He loves me.
And it is unfair! His love is unfair!
Jesus is blameless! But He obediently let Himself be mocked and tortured and died painfully.. for me. He recklessly gave it all for me..
What I'm saying is.. Even the one that came straight from the heart of God would cause 'discomfort' of some sort. Simply because we are imperfect human beings.
But our imperfections are the very place where God's perfect love may gloriously displayed.
I could rest assure in knowing my Father's heart.
He loves me. No question ask. He loves me so much.
Hence, whatever comes from Him is always for my good.
In my case.. I got to know a little bit more about His sacrificial love..
When I demand for attention, or fairness, or consolation, He points me back to the Cross.
He reminds me that my life is the very prove of His love..
And that is, for me, more than enough reason to love R a little bit more..
diabetes kak!!! diabetes!!
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