There's no shadow You won't light up
Mountain You won't climb up
Coming after me
There's no wall You won't kick down
Lie You won't tear down
Coming after me
Reckless Love - Cory Ashbury
Wow. The depth of ones' heart.
When I thought I've known everything about myself, God 'digs out' a little bit more and reveal to me that there is this thing I have feared, but remain hidden deep deep inside. Until today, of course.
The fear of being taken for granted.
"fail to properly appreciate (someone or something), especially as a result of over familiarity."
So I Googled it and the above appeared.
It's been hovering for a while but I manage to swat the fear away like one annoying mosquito hahah. But today, God opened up what's the root of everything.
Yesterday I've shared in TLG (yes. OMG. But that's another story) that intimacy with God (or in any kind of relationship at all) requires you to open up yourself before the other party. In this case, I kinda have to be vulnerable before God, which is scary sometimes, but this kind of vulnerability always gets Him closer to my heart. Yes, so. SO BE IT, GOD.
So unlike any other day, He didn't let me swat the fear away. Instead, He opened up another layer and I kinda had to have a face to face encounter with the fear.
In the heart of every little girl, there is a need to be loved by her father.
And one way to show her how much the father love her, is by watching how well the father loves her mother.
And to be honest (well, being vulnerable means you have to be honest no matter what), growing up, I couldn't see this kind of love between my parents.
Some of you may know my family background from older posts (lupa tulis dimana aja), but the relationship went downhill when my mom cheated on dad and then dad got hurt and decided to settle his score by taking another woman as his wife. Wew sounds so drama but that's the way it is. Cut the story short, God's grace intervened and His processes were all OH SO TOUGH and loooong and teary and sometimes heart-wrenching difficult, but so miraculous. And I won't have it any other way. Through all the mountains and valleys, His loving-kindness sustain us all. He has been my faithful personal bodyguard (more like, heart-guard kwwk) and my best friend.. And that's how I get to know Him and of course, I can't help but to fall in love haha. He has loved me first.
There's a lot of distorted value in me has been shaken and being replaced by His redeeming Truth. But apparently, I am looooong way to go from perfection. But I guess that's what makes our relationship interesting, eh, God? Haha.
One thing that I've been trying to deny is that I fear that R will take me for granted. I mean, human does that. But what makes it particularly scary for me is because I've seen my dad does that to mom. You see. From many stories I pieced together, I learned that my mom was studious. Meaning, she was kiasu kind of student who likes to get ahead of other students, keeping her score perfect. She never had a relationship before my dad, too busy with assignments, she said (face palm). They've been in a relationship for 5 years, when they finally got married. Despite the initial rejection from my grandpa (not only racial thing, but also the huge difference in social background, etc) they got married.
Growing up, there was this huge question that I secretly asked myself from time to time. But why did she cheat? She's not that kind of person, at least from what I could see myself.
What mom told me was she's disappointed.
And you know what?
I could totally relate to her.
Not condoning the mistake here. Don't get me wrong.
She has done something that was very very very wrong.
But I guess I can see the reason for that disappointment.
Growing up, I could see the thing she has to endure and sacrifice.. in order to make things work.
Lots and lots of effort goes unappreciated. Taken for granted.
I guess in every little girl's heart, there's this need to be loved by her father.
And when she is married to her husband, the role to love her will be her husband's.
I guess that's why He asked the husbands to love their wives like Jesus loves His church.
Because we could stand any storm, like literally anything, as long as we know that we are loved.
In this case, the little girl that has grown unloved by the father was now taken for granted by her husband.
The thing about God is, He always finds His way to meet us in our darkest places.
He met mom. He met me. He met my sister. He met my dad.
That's how great His love is. He told me there's always a hope, when I almost gave up praying for my parents. And look where we are now..
Today during the Sunday service, there's this illustration about a relationship where husband and wife are keeping score about the things they have done for each other but ended up unappreciated and how they feel like their husbands/wives were just unfair.
Because talking about fairness, by right, we should be the one die on the cross, instead of Jesus. And His kind of love is the kind that keeps loving, no matter what the other party does. His love doesn't keep score of our limitations and faults, instead He dies because of that. So that we may live.
Wow, such love, God..
So when He opened up what's hidden inside my heart, I admit to Him that yes, I am afraid. I'm afraid that R will one day take me for granted. The way my father treated my mom. But He told me that He knows.. He knows the depth of my heart. The things that is hidden to me, including this fear.. And He told me that He loves me no matter what and that I don't have to be afraid to love recklessly, as He has loved me and will always love me recklessly till the end of my days and forever more. And His love will sustain me through every thick and thin.
He told me that He loves me. And that my love to Him will never go unnoticed.
In fact.. Here's the verse written on the Holy Communion today
Every way of a man is right in his own eyes. But the Lord weighs the heart.
Proverbs 21:2.
You da best la, Lord!
I know in every little girl's heart, there's this need to be loved by her father.
But I also know that this little girl is deeply loved by her Father.
And He loves with an everlasting love.
Comments
Post a Comment