“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
Before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
Jeremiah 1: 5 NIV
“For you created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
My frame was not hidden from you
When I was made in the secret place,
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth.”
Psalms 139:13,15 NIV
The womb is where life begins.
Lately God has been reminding me of His secret place.
I looked back and realized that 2020 is about God holding my hands and brought me back to His secret place, the womb where He’s shaping me.
The place of hiddenness. It’s dark and lonely (well unless you have a twin HAHA).
But it’s also the safest place where God can form the vital parts that will sustain my life outside of the womb.
When God brought me back home, He positioned me in the safest place where there was no pressure of work, demand to socialize, and no responsibility to serve in any capacity, so that I can fully broken down to pieces and then built up again.
I was stripped naked, because this is God’s operation theatre. Everything was sterile and sanitized.
While the world taught us to go faster, and busier, and be.. MORE!
God is telling us that His version for more may not look the same like the rest of the world.
Instead of a palace and its glitz and glam, His version for “MORE” looked like a lowly servant girl, a little town, and a filthy manger.
Instead of an all-powerful tyrant on a war horse, His version for “MORE” looked like a Nazareth carpenter’s son riding on a meek donkey.
And when it comes to love, His version for “MORE” looks like a criminal’s kind of punishment: death by crucifixion.
I looked back to my mom’s, my sister’s, and my own journey.
At some points in our journey, we have to respond to God’s invitation:
“Despite all this, will you choose Love? Will you choose Me?”
Indeed, love is only real because of the freedom to choose.
God doesn’t want a robot, or a forced “I love you.”
He wants a heart that is compelled by love, to choose Him over and over again.
Here, I realized that often we choose to say NO and we reject God’s greatest gifts because it is wrapped in unexpected packages.
We are given the greatest gift of forgiveness through betrayal.
We are given the greatest gift of unconditional love through heartache.
We are given the greatest gift of humility through injustice
Indeed, the greatest present the world could ever seen was wrapped in the most unexpected package.
Love wrapped in pain. Joy wrapped in sorrow. Destiny wrapped in hiddenness.
Another thing that I am reminded of in this season is this verse,
“But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.”
Luke 2:19 NIV
This verse was a part of nativity story, right after the shepherds paid their barn a visit.
I stumbled across this verse 2-3 years ago and there’s a tugging at my heart when I read this particular verse. I started to dig, but I didn’t find anything. So I put this verse on a shelf.
But this past few months, God reminded me of this verse again and again, unveiling something new little by little. Here are some puzzle pieces I gathered so far.
The first one was from “When Heaven Invades Earth”:
“Obedience against popular opinion will often reintroduce someone to personal faith. And that’s a faith that goes against understanding. Mary was also given a promise beyond comprehension: she was to give birth to the Son of God, she asked how it was possible since she was a virgin. Understanding a promise from God has never been the prerequisite to its fulfillment. Ignorance asks for understanding; unbelief asks for proof. She stands apart from Zacharias because while being ignorant she surrendered to the promise.”
“And so we have the choice: to stand in the shoes of Zacharias and lose our voice, or walk in the way of Mary and invite God to restore us to the promises we cannot control.” (Nangissssssssssss)
..And then this was from “Supernatural Ways of the Royalty”.
“We become the person He has called us to be when we meditate on the things of God and dream His dreams. Mary illustrates this principle in her life. She pondered the word of God in her heart and gave birth to the Savior of the world. What she imagined became flesh and dwelt among its through immaculate conception. When we dream with God, we become the masterpieces of His imagination.”
Here’s from “Wise Woman Waits”, a book I had for almost 2 years, but only read yesterday (haha long story).
“As women, by nature, we were created to conceive. To multiply.
That’s why the greatest promise of God that will turn into blessings of many, to men and women, more often than enough to, started first in women’s heart as a seed. Seeds that were planted in women, in matters of months, sometimes years, they will give birth to big giant trees. Trees that produce fruits to feed many.”
“For all the promise that He has put inside you, conceive it well, prepare for birth, for it just a matter of time, He will deliver and give you more than you can ever imagine.”
This one is from Commoners_Communion IG feed,
“It will take 30 yrs of silence and ordinary, unmentioned life for the promises declared to the pregnant Mary to fully manifest. And when it comes to God’s grand promises for us, little has changed. These long waits of fragile hope often follow God’s giving us significant promises, words, or callings. And the louder they’re given to us the longer they seem to take.”
“He’s still growing among us the fruit of the promises He’s made.”
Can I be honest?
The past few weeks, I was in denial (DEMEN BGT SIH IN DENIAL!)
But I was actually scared.
Scared of the unknown of 2021.
But mostly, I am scared of the fact that the more I walk further and go deeper, the more I let go of my past and my used-to. It’s like what used to be so important to me, what used to be who a Kezia is, what used to shape my identity, is no longer a part of my life.
Like a withered petal that I refuse to let go, I hold on to them tightly and I refuse to let God in.
But then, I couldn’t get ahold of God’s hands and I chose not to hold on to what I have to let go, eventually.
So.. Slowly I unclenched my fist, and I realized.. I was afraid of letting go.
And then God started to speak. About Mary. About His promises to me.
Like Mary, I was given a promise BEYOND comprehension.
And again, I choose surrender.
I choose to ask God to restore to me the promise I cannot control.
Because WHO IN HER RIGHT MIND WILL PRAY FOR A PLOT TWIST LIKE THIS??
But thank God that I don’t have to understand His promises to see the fulfillment.
Oh how I love this life with God :’) So much bigger! So much.. Adventure!
And if there’s something I am sure of, I am not in control of the future.
Certainly, not in control of this promise.
But I am in control of my response to Him. And partnering with God means exercising my right to surrender. OHMYYYYHEART! Like the choice I made last year, resigned, left Sinciapo and all my loved ones, I choose to once again choose dreaming with God.
In my hiddenness, in my ignorance of the unknown future, I choose to keep tending to the promises of God that He has placed in my heart. I choose to conceive it well.
Instead of looking for ways to promote myself and looking for platforms, I am choosing to let God have the reign in my year of silence and ordinary.
Instead of strive, I choose surrender.
Two days ago, I read about Noah.
“I set My bow [rainbow] in the cloud, and it shall be a token or sign of a covenant or solemn pledge between Me and the earth.”
(Genesis 9:13)
This brought me to a memory when one chapter in my life came to an end 2 years ago.
At my darkest hours, God gave me “a rainbow”. A sign of His promise to me.
I didn’t think much back then.
But now I find it interesting that the word God used for “rainbow” is actually “a bow in the cloud”.
Because bow propels arrows forward the same way God’s promises propels me forward into the future, one step closer to God-given destiny.
Closing the chapter of 2020, I knew that the same way my chapter is closed 2 years ago, and last year, He has something MORE hidden for me in 2021.
I didn’t know exactly what is in His MORE.
But I am sure of this:
HE GETS ME. HE GETS YOU!
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you..”
The Hebrew word used in “knew” is “YADA”
יָדַע
It is deeper than just intellectual knowledge.
It’s a face to face encounter, an intimate understanding, an experiential knowledge.
This is HOW MUCH He gets the depth of our hearts.
When I say YES to Him again and again, it’s my way of saying,
“Yes, God. I love You. And I want to know more! I want to YADA You.”
In this unexpected journey of walking on water with Him, I get to fall in love with Him, deeper and deeper. I get to know a new side of Him I haven’t seen before. I get to be loved the way I never been loved before.
YADA is also used in Genesis 4:1 “Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain...”
In this journey, it’s impossible to walk with God without impacting generations to come.
Something of magnitude MUST BE conceived and birthed through us.
The whole world is standing on tiptoe, yearning to see the unveiling of God’s glorious sons and daughters!
We are Sons and Daughters of destiny in the making.
The answer of the world’s questions, problems, and deliverance lies in our walk with God.
We are the carrier of God’s presence. The gate of heavens.
It’s always in His plans, displaying His glory through what the world sees as the common clay jars. Such unexpected gifts!
In the meantime, while treasuring, pondering, and tending to His promises, may we posture a surrendered heart like Mary,
“Let it be done to me according to Your word.”
One YES at a time.
Your promise still stands. Great is Your faithfulness!!
BELIEVE.
OBEY.
ENDURE.
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