To say that the last 3 weeks was a roller coaster ride was an understatement. HAHA!
Today should be the VISA interview day. But looking back to the last 7 weeks, all I can say is that: SWITCHING TO BSSMO WAS SIMPLY ONE OF THE BEST DECISION IN LIFE!! THANK YOU, GOD, FOR NEVER GIVING UP ON ME!
I’m not saying that everything is rainbows and butterflies HAHA. In fact, I’ve never been so challenged as much as I am these days. The curriculum is designed to put “internal pressure” so that whatever GOLD may surface and together with the gold, (this is the scary part) lies and pains and false identity surfaced, too. You know, sometimes it feels so much easier to turn a blind eye and deny the issue within. TBH, on some days I dread watching the new materials or going for revival groups, because facing the hidden ugliness in us requires so much courage. But of course, growing means admitting the issue and confronting ourselves so that God can redeem what we bring under the light. For those in the journey, you’ll relate.. OH THE BEAUTIFUL MESS OF HEART SURGERY WITH GOD!
HEART SURGERY #1
I couldn’t remember the question, but one of my homework led me into discovering why it’s HARD for me to surrender to God even though I have encountered His love over and over and over again. I found it hard to simply trust and let go of control, especially in financial area. I felt like it’s easier for me to trust God with my family or my future spouse or my calling etc, but when it comes to financial issue, the striving is still there. I know that my Father is a good good Father. He provides shelter for the birds and clothed the flowers beautifully. In my head, I know He’s the one that provides through my parents and later, through my work. But in my heart, I know there’s still a need to control.
God reminded me, “This is what happened.” He showed me a memory of me growing up knowing my dad loved me so much. My dad showed his love and he said it to me, too. “Kakak cantik, papa sayang kakak ya.” I know for sure without a doubt that he loved me. But then he provided for so many other family members except for his immediate family : me, Febe, and mom. That’s why when it comes to my relationship with God, though I am fully assured of His love, I still have this need to fend for myself, esp financially.
After knowing the source of this thought pattern that hinders me from trusting the Father, I can immediately replace the lies I’ve believed in with His truth. That I can trust the perfect provision of my Father IN EVERY SEASON I’ll have more than enough for every good work He’s design for me!
SUCH FREEDOM!!
HEART SURGERY #2
I think I’ve mentioned about revival group before. It’s a weekly live zoom meeting which I’m dreading/excited about the most! I dread the unknown because you wouldn’t know what kind of WILD you’ll get this week HAHAHA. But tbh it’s kinda exciting, too. If you’re an adrenaline junkie you gotta love this weekly RG. You’ll find yourself in different groups of people, sharing personal/deep stuff. And suddenly you’re in another group learning to hear what God said about other people. Another week, you suddenly found yourself sharing your vision for this season in the BIG FORUM.
IT’S CRAZY I TELL YOU. I love predictable. I love the safety of knowing what’s coming my way next week. But I kinda learn to get used to this roller coaster ride, really.
On the first and second week of RG, I found myself mostly quiet. Biting the inside of my cheek, stomach churning, don’t know when is my turn to speak. Simply put, public speaking is my kryptonite (refer to previous blog lol). I kept rehearsing what to say in my head to the point that it’s tiring me out, man!
I remembered on the 3rd week I experience “BREAKTHROUGH”. IDK if it’s just me being so tired of being afraid, or it’s the topic that is so close to my heart, or is it simply the Holy Spirit kicking me out of my scare-zone, or the combination of the 3 : but I found myself sharing God’s vision for me to the entire RG. #faint
HEY YA’LL IT’S A MARY SEASON FOR ME! I heard myself trembling but I was tired of being intimidated by my thoughts.
After the bigger forum with RG, we’re divided into small groups of 5 and 1 leader. It’s easier for me to share here because, well, it’s a much smaller group. I told them how I SCARED, and how INTIMIDATED I was of this talking.
Like there’s a voice that keep saying, “What are you doing, Ke? Do you think that they will hear you? Do you think what you say is important at all? You better shut it before you embarrass yourself.” The voice of the accuser, indeed!
But the Holy Spirit reminded me the week before, “The enemy will try to convince you the EXACT opposite. WHAT YOU’RE AFRAID THE MOST IS IN FACT A PART OF YOUR DESTINY.”
So I pushed through the voices and spoke.
(I teared so much while sharing this.........)
And then the leader, Victoria, said,
“Hmmm Kezia. I think I the Holy Spirit is saying something.. Wait, give me time to listen.”
WALAWEEE! DEG2AN CUYYYYYY!!! Tau2 dibilang, “Tuhan mau kamu selibat, kan nangis.”
Thankfully, not that.
She said,
“You mentioned that last time you lead the youth? I saw the word LEADER over you.
Being a leader means going to unknown territory and there will be new things and new things are always scary. You can just say a sentence or two. But you kept on going even though it’s uncomfortable. The fact that you’re scared and yet you pushed through your fear shows a maturity in character. And God is readying you for the leadership He’s prepared for you in the future. #CRYMEARIVER
And when we’re nearing the end of our session, another person said,
“IDK Kezia. But when you speak just now, I saw a lion roaring.”
#CRYMEANOCEAN much dan mau ketawa juga karena kebayang singanya MGM “Roar Roar”.
WOW. Was completely overwhelmed that night............. GOD!
HEART SURGERY #3
The last major surgery so far was a few hours ago, during another RG session.
James (our RG Pastor) taught about “Journey of Discovering Your True Self in Christ Jesus.”
He gave us 2 questions to ponder and discussed in small group.
First, how does it feel and what does it look like to live from your true-self? Secondly, what are the obstacles that hinder you from discovering your true-self?
And then he went on to give us an example,
“For example, let’s say your obstacles is a dream that is SOOO BIG you don’t feel cut out for it and this hinders you to live from your true-self because you fear that you won’t get there.”
....
....
....
It’s as if this guy was peering into my mind and pull out one thing that was hidden to me before but when he mentioned it, EVERYTHING CLICKS!!!! OHWOW GOD!!!! M I N D B L O W N !
So just now I shared this..
“For me, living my true self look like being content with who I am right now, knowing that no amount of comparison can scare me off of God’s calling. He has given me a dream so BIG I know instantly it must be God because IT IS TOO BIG IT’S IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME. If it’s me, I wouldn’t even dare to think of it let alone believing it with my life!
I felt like in this season God has brought into the surface, the hidden insecurity that I do not have what it takes. I met so many people that are more fluent, more scholarly, more knowledgeable biblically, more.. you know, more pastorlike HAHAHAHA. And I asked God so many times, “Are you sure, God? Are you sure it’s me You want for this?”
I saw a vision of a leader, and who I am right now is SOOOO FAR OFF from that vision.
Maybe that’s why there’s this tendency in my heart to criticize, because I feel like another part of me wants to be able to do something out there, wanting to be heard, to be seen. That’s my struggle to fully live from my true-self right now.”
Then, one friend prayed for me.
She mentioned so many things but what hit me so hard was this,
“God, let her know that she is special and there is no other person like her.
What You have given her is so specific and crucial and ONLY she carries all that!”
But then she also said,
“God, give her opportunity to be familiar with public speaking so that she learns that she carries Your authority!”
Jujur pengen ditengking tapi itu artinya running away dong HAHAHAHAHA.
But when she prayed, I was in tears.
This was the same lady who told me last week, “I saw you in purple. Purple means royalty.”
(The Royals and then the 2016 prophecy “You are always a royal daughter.” This is who I am.)
Then the other lady mentioned,
“Kezia, do you remember last time when you spoke I saw a LION? You are meant to ROAR, Girl!”
And then the whole group ask me to roar in front of the mirror HAHAHAHA.
I told them it was midnight and I didn’t want to wake up my mom and my dog but I promise to roar and record it to them tomorrow HAHAHAHAHA.
Oh God, I love this people so much!!
I love that this season brought so many surprises!
There are many other “minor heart surgery” and somehow I expect more in the near future HAHA!
There are also new found promises and words spoken over me.
MUCH JOY IN THE MIDST OF THIS HEALING PAIN!
One was when I’ve just finished listening to Luke 19 Parables of the Minas.
To the servant that earned another 10 minas, the boss gave him 10 CITIES.
And to the servant with another 5 minas, the boss gave 5 CITIES.
Yes, I googled it, The mina (mna) of the Christian Greek Scriptures (Lu 19:13-25) is reckoned at 100 drachmas, this being the value derived from ancient Greek writers. The drachma was worth nearly as much as a denarius. So the mina was a considerable sum. The present-day value would be $65.40; in the first century C.E., it amounted to about a fourth of the wages earned annually by an agricultural worker.
Apparently this boss laoban is a kingdom owner, because then he could distribute CITIES.
I was washing dishes when I ponder a conversation earlier with a friend about many people that are hoping to be able to get a pass to stay or to work in Singapore. Well I got one, a PR, and then I let my PR go. It sounded kinda reckless and unreasonable for so many people, I know.
God interrupted my train of thought. He reminded me the parables.
And He said,
“Yes, Ke. And because you are faithful with that one city, I’ll entrust you with 10 nations.”
I was taken aback and was like, “WAIT WHAAT? Halu nih halu!”
I can tell He’s smiling at me. And I was like, “Ok la God. I trust You! I’ll take You at Your word!”
Meskipun ga tau juga sih 10 nations mau diapain juga? HAHAHAHAH.
So, another one was from last week’s RG. WOW last week was FUN!
James wasn’t around, so we played “Christ is right!” (From the Price is Right haha lol yea)
We played a few round of questions that required us to ask God and practice listening to Him and speak it to the people randomly selected (in other word, practicing prophesying over ppl).
It’s such a safe environment to learn new things. We were encouraged to try and learn and that IT’S OKAY TO FAIL, it’s the part of learning! There is no shame in failing!
So, the first question was to ask God the favorite color of others. I FAILED MISERABLY LOLOLOL
In fact, the 3 of us in that small group failed hahahaha.
The next one was even more “CRAZY.”
We were to ask God one song and one superhero. And THEN we’ll be divided into another small group of 2. So paired up, we’re supposed to let the other know what we ‘get’ and then ask if they resonate with that person.
I just thought, “Ok how crazy is this. Ok God, tell me what’s on Your mind,” And then wrote the first song and superhero that crossed my mind.
Still in the lightheartedness and fun mode, I shared first,
“Ok. IDK if this resonates with you.. But do you know the song What a Beautiful Name by Hillsong.”
And she went,
“Oh YES. It was sung on the last Sunday service. In fact, before that, I’ve asked God for a song that show case His power for the week onwards. And He told me What a Beautiful Name.”
...
JAW DROP. MUCH.
...
I think I was MORE surprised than her HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
I mean, from millions of song that I ever heard.. I was even worried about the cultural gap, like does the western people even listen to the same song like Asian does HAHAHA, you know that sort of silly doubt.
I realized that I might have dismissed Him speaking to me just because it sounds so natural and close to home like this one. I might have expected a BOOM or weird things, when He can sound so familiar, too.
BSSM demystifies so many things!
I was asked to share in the larger RG forum. But somehow, because there was so much fun going on, I didn’t feel any fear at all, I just LOLed when I told how surprised I was. I also realized that the absence of pressure to be right actually gave me confidence to speak out loud. I realize that my initial fear of being prideful because of this prophesy thing is actually a FALSE ALARM. First, it is God that made me HEAR and translate His words correctly AND He can speak through literally ANYTHING. Second, there is a risk of failure that instantly humbles you down hahaha.
OH LORD OH LORD! WHAT A WILD RIDE EH!
Yesterday, I stumbled upon a little quote,
“Faith says there is more to the story than logic, which means we don’t need clarity so much as courage.”
True that. Our logic has so much constraint.
We are not eternal, we can’t see the end of the story. We are limited to time and space, we can’t see the future. Besok makan apa aja bingung kan?? Haha!
But courage.
Courage allow us to take another step into the unknown, holding God hands all the way.
What I learn most in this season is that COURAGE has many faces.
Sometimes, courage looks like facing your inner battle and confront yourself.
Some other times, it looks like allowing God all access to hidden part in your life.
Sometimes, it’s taking risk of failure to learn something new.
Some other times, it’s simply about waiting on God without losing hope.
Sometimes, courage is looking fear in the eye and push through the barrier despite the trembling and voices of opposition.
Some other times, it’s about letting God breaks the little box you called, “Understanding of God.” Sometimes, courage sounds like let your voice be heard.
Some other times, it may look like being still in the midst of the storm.
God, your Father, is the courage you need for this season.
Take heart, Beloved. Wherever you are right now, He is with you!
Be strong and courageous!
The Lord your God is with you,
The Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
In his love he will no longer rebuke you,
But will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17
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