In the crushing, in the pressing
You are making new wine
In the soil I now surrender
You are breaking new ground
(New Wine - Hillsong Worship)
This song was released some time around 2 years ago and since then, God has spoken through this song to keep me going when the journey takes me to dark and difficult places. He reminded me this song from time and time again in this past few months of 2020. And every time I sing “CRUSHING, PRESSING, BREAKING”, jujur cuman bisa meringis kadang2 HAHA. But that’s for the previous post because THIS ONE IS ON ENTIRELY DIFFERENT NOTE! WOHOOO!
BREAKTHROUGH IS HERE!!!!
I mentioned in the previous post (Redefining 2020: Takeaways), that I’ve switched to Full Time BSSM Online sometimes in August. What I forgot to mention that 2 days before the school start, I was battling so much doubt.
I know I should be happy. Expectant. My brain shouted, “HELLOWW, YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY!! ISN’T IT WHAT YOU’RE WAITING FOR??”
But my heart is full of mixed feeling emotions that I can’t really name one by one.
So I come to the Father.
(I mean, only He knows the depth of my heart.)
I tried singing but what I did was crying, mostly HAHAHA. Typical.
And then He showed me something...
I saw a little girl, sitting behind a black grand piano. I knew that was me.
In my mind, I saw myself playing a simple song, but I made lots of mistake.
I pressed on wrong notes often. Just a kid, definitely not a prodigy HAHA. Nothing special here, really.
But then a man come, He sat next to me on that piano chair. I knew that was my Father.
He took my simple song, adding beautiful chord and melodies. His new arrangement sounded so.. MAJESTIC. So GLORIOUS. Nothing like the original simple song that I played!
Change of scene.
I was in a beach, still the same little girl, building sand castle with my bare hands.
My Father knelt beside me and He handed me a hammer.
He took my other hand and led me somewhere else. There’s a wooden plank on the ground in front of me.
I squatted to observe the plank closer. There’s a half driven nail sticking out from it.
So I used the hammer in my hand to drive the nail deeper into the plank.
Bam! Bam! Bam! Sometimes I missed the nail entirely and hit the plank instead hahaha.
When I finished with the hammer, I looked up and suddenly THERE WAS A CASTLE IN FRONT OF ME.
Well, maybe it’s just a very big house, but from a child’s point of view, it sure looked like a castle.
And then I heard Him saying,
“I just need your simple melody. I just need you to hammer that one nail down.
The rest is My business, My part. Not yours.
I never asked for more than you can give.”
...
....
I cried so much I can’t feel my nose HAHA.
When I stopped to catch my breath, my phone buzzed.
I opened the text message.
“If you dare to believe that God will do His promise, God dares to fulfill it.”
.....
W H A T ! ! !
Of course I cried even more!!!
My friend told me that she was in a service and when this sentence was spoken, she was suddenly reminded of me. The last time we’re in touch was more one month ago. I was like.. GOD!
I WAS TOTALLY OVERWHELMED! How amazing how He speaks in ways that is BEYOND my expectation. MIND BLOWN WITH THE PRECISE TIMING, and of course, THE PRECISION OF THE MESSAGE! BOOM!
I just realized that I was in doubt because I think ahead of myself. I tried to connect point A (BSSM that I’m attending in 2 days time) to point B (the glimpses of dream He planted in my heart).
And of course, I failed to see HOW I can get from A to B.
Because as a child, my part is just to play that simple song, drive that nail down.
(Jujur, itu aja pasti udah susah karena emang kapasitas gw cuman segitu wkwkw anak bocahhh mau sok2 ngambil bagian Bapaknya MANA BISAAA).
He just wants me surrendering my 5 loaves and 2 fishes, the rest is His.
My Father will take me to the right places at the right time.
WOW SO MUCH RELIEVE HERE! I CAN JUST REST AND ENJOY THE VIEW!
OK SO. How’s BSSM Online, Ke??
..It’s just 2 week but I’m (for lack of a better word) COMPLETELY MINDBLOWN ALREADY!!!
But you know what..
Right after the first week of school passed, I had another doubt-attack episode. HAHA MANUSIA!
I felt like a little boat in a huge ocean. So small and insignificant. Without a compass, doesn’t know if I’m well on my way, or I’m just wandering around in circles. Everything was so NEW. So FOREIGN. I didn’t know where I was. I couldn’t gauge my progress. I mean, all the homework is a kind of reflective question I WAS AN ACCOUNTANT COME ON! I mean, number is exact. But this! I was so out of my depth. Did I do it right? Did i get the questions right? What? HAHAHA.
So once again, I just cried to God. I told Him all my unfiltered thoughts and doubts and fear.
On Wednesday, I had the 2nd Revival Group. Live zoom meeting. Followed with a break out room to smaller group of 5. The first week Revival Group was an introduction to all the leaders. They shared a little bit about themselves and their heart for the community (just a normal talk without any worship or any hyper-religious activity, but couldn’t stop tearing sporadically. Man! God’s presence was so real. Ini orang pada makan apa sih wkwkwkw).
I expected a teaching or idk topical talk or something for the second week.
...but of course, what I least expected happened WKWKKWWK you see a repeated theme over here.
UNEXPECTED IS THE NEW EXPECTATION.
The leaders were to scroll through the zoom page to prophecy over people that God highlighted to them to pray over.
AKU KENA BULLS-EYE, GENG.
While a leader prayed over a person, a private chat popped in my zoom room.
..
“The Lord sees you. You are not hidden. You are not in the back. You are not looked over.
You are not too big or too small. You are precious in His sight. You are holy. You are secure.
You are wholehearted. You are powerful. You are valuable and the Lord is making space for you to shine, to be seen and experienced. The wisdom, the revelation you carry is vital to the community around you.”
I HAD TO HOLD MY TEARS BACK BECAUSE MY VIDEO WAS ON!
(If you have seen my full-blown crying face, it was not easy for the eyes LOLOLOL).
My heart leaped! MY FATHER SEES ME!! Even the first sentence was more than enough to calm the raging sea of my doubt! I AM NOT HIDDEN!!!! WOW. He’s making space for me.. What I carry is vital! I mean, I’ve been asking myself, WHAT ARE THESE FOR, FATHER? All this revealed knowledge He’s been uploaded into my heart and my brain that sometimes drives me.. Mad. Flipping-table-like-Jesus kind of mad. HAHA. Apparently, they’re vital. Wow, God. WOW.
It’s not over yet, baby.
“You’re also extremely brilliant. The Lord loves the time you take to study, to learn, to invest, and to grow. You make investments in opportunity, in people, in community and in the Lord. Your investments are making a LARGE RETURN right now. Bamboo takes so long to cultivate and grow but once it’s there, it’s epic. The Lord is growing your bamboo shoots... and after time, patience, and perseverance, you’re about to reap the harvest.”
“WOW. You are SO SEEN. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. You are not hidden but in His chest.”
“The Lord is saying.. get ready.”
C R Y.
Right when I was questioning myself if all this “study” worth it.....
And when I see the bamboo analogy, I was DOUBLE MINDBLOWN BOOM BOOM!
I was reminded Mike Todd’s sermon I watched back in Oct 2018 (of course I googled it).
I gotta rewatch the sermon but it’s about how the bamboo seed took years to root under the ground.
It was buried so deep underground, no sign of growth seen from above the ground when this plants were cultivating root (i think they call it rhizomes or something).
A few days later, I showed this screenshot to a cell group friend.
And she gave me this video link, “Bamboo, the Miracle Plant”.
She said, “Ke, you are the solution for this generation.”
W H A T.
I WAS MINDBLOWN by all the facts in this video.
Bamboo can be used for the foundation of a building because it’s as sturdy as steel, but also can be processed into a fabric twice as soft as cotton. It is “a viable solution and resource that’s both remarkably useful and environmentally friendly. It’s one of the most sustainable renewable resources known to the planet.” AMAZING.
The most interesting part is how bamboo took 2-3 years to grow its root (rhizomes) but once the shoot emerges from the ground, within 24 hours it grows until almost 4 feet (1.2 meters) and will continue to grow into full maturity within weeks (compare to other trees that might needs 20-30 yrs). WOW! Once a mature bamboo is harvested, the remaining few inches of the plants will continue to grow at the same speed, but this time the mature plant will be even taller than the first one, so does the 3rd compared to the previous plant’s height, and so on and so forth.
The lengths God went to assure His doubting daughter.. It’s so heart warming........
He knows exactly how to personalized His message to us..
What a good good Father. I’m so humbled by all this.. I can’t even!
One last thing I wanna shared is how He’s started to unveil lies about myself that I’ve been believing all this time!
People used to asked me questions like, “Jadi jurusannya apa? Masa ga ada kelas2nya gitu kaya belajar apa gitu.”
Ladies, and gents. Your questions were mine as well.
If you asked me why BSSM, so many reasons, but on top of everything it’s because my Father has led me here. Simple.
So when I was informed that the whole first year of BSSM was about IDENTITY, I didn’t know what to expect. I thought I was already secured in Him. Well, the first 8 months of 2020 proved otherwise HAHAHAHAHA (refer to previous post!).
Bear in mind that this is only my 2nd week, but God has unearthed so much from the soil of my heart.
It’s during a masterclass session titled “Notorious Emotions”. The speaker was giving example by using her own life story.
She was reading Romans 12:1-2 (offer our bodies as a living sacrifice, do not conform to the pattern of the world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind) when God asked her,
“Can you sacrifice the belief that you’re A SHY PERSON?”
She was taken aback. She answered,
“No, God! How can I sacrifice something that I am. I AM A SHY PERSON.”
God revealed to her how growing up, she, the youngest of 6, thought that she has nothing worthwhile to say because her siblings had said it all. So she convinced herself that she does not have a voice.
God said, “That’s not who you are as I created you. To experience a renewal of mind, you have to let go of the lies you’ve been believing as who you are.”
Long story short, here she is. Communicating well with us students.
There’s so much revelation in every sentence she said. No words were wasted.
When I was listening to her story, God brought back so many memories.
I was in elementary school, standing in front of the class for the national oral exam.
I remember the emotions. So much fear. My hands were clammy, my stomach churning, my heart’s pounding. I remember telling myself that I wouldn’t want this to ever happen again.
Fast forward to university. I chose one with NO PRESENTATION in the module. YAY TO NO PUBLIC SPEAKING!! I even chose a line of work that ensures I wouldn’t have to do any kind of public speaking or meeting too many new people.
That’s why when I realize that God called me out of my little corner in that office, I was worried that He would call me to preach. HA HA HA HA BYE WORLD. Because I do not want to.
The funny thing is the people around me said, “Ke, you know what. It’s harder for us to make you stop speaking than for you starting it.” HAHAH WHUUD.
I still have that fear though.
So when the masterclass’s speaker said this,
“God will never ask us to do anything that is not in our DNA.”
“The enemy will try to convince you the EXACT opposite. WHAT YOU’RE AFRAID THE MOST IS IN FACT A PART OF YOUR DESTINY.”
I was..................... terdiam aku tuh. I have nothing to say.
Because tbh, I know that the fear that is lurking in me DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE.
But I refuse to look deeper into this issue, I rather stay in my comfort zone.
..Or so I thought HAHAHA LORD LORD LORD! Paling bisa yeee.
Wait, it’s not over yet.
Because the next day, I watched the recorded BSSM Live.
The speaker opened the session by this prayer,
“I feel the urge to pray for some women in this room. Those who are called to preach but struggle with the fear of speaking in public. I pray let your lips be unlocked! Today God is giving you your voice back!”
.....
.....
.....
.....
And that’s what happened in the first 2 week of school.
Some other things must be kept first, but all the above, I can tell you, I AM COMPLETELY UNDONE!
One thing I realize is that the wilderness that I hate so much during the first 8 month of my 2020 was God’s loving hand preparing me for this encounter.
He molds by heart, cleanses the necessary parts, make sure that I would be ready to receive all the things He’s going to unveil in this new season.
I thought I was in a desert, a completely dry and dusty place.
But the fact is, my Father conditioned my heart, like a sponge hang to dry in the sun.
Now, a-hungry-sponge, is ready to soak up anything He wants to pour out on me.
Beloved, where ever you are right now, like He sees me, HE SEES YOU!!!
You’re not hanged to die. You’re hanged to DRY.
So that when the next rain comes, you are so so sooo ready to soak up EVERYTHING from Him.
He longs to pour out more of His love on you!!
Do not quit the process, do not give up on Him!
When it feels like your faith is being stretched to its limit, He’s enlarging the borders of your heart so that you can have a greater measure of faith, to sustain what’s coming your way!!
You may not see it now. But GOD SEES YOU.
“The Lord is saying... GET READY!!!”
Beloved, YOU ARE NOT HIDDEN!
You are safely held in the Father’s embrace.
He loves you. So much.
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