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I Don't Wanna Say He's My Kind

If you wonder why I blog, here are the reasons :

Firstly, it's my way of shouting out loud without being heard.
Yes I know it's weird, because normally ppl SHOUT just be HEARD.
In my case, I shout just to let go a, let's call it, an excess feeling that so overwhelming
it could burst out through my chest anytime soon (like now).
I could just SCREAM, but thanks to this big lungs of mine,
I could scare my housemates away and wake the baby sleeping in apartment above
(if there's any, of course). LOL

Secondly, and funnily, it's one essay assignment that always triggers my mood to blog.
Maybe it has to do with making a written statement.
But I always find words by words flowing from my mind
straight to my fingertips like they were no blockage whatsoever.
(This time, the blogging era started by a Financial Reporting assignment,
which reminds me that I got another essay to right due before Christmas hols. Shucks)

Thirdly, I need to be in the state where my heart speak too much rather than my brain.
It's when my logic seized working.
In other words, when I fall IN or OUT of love.
A major crush can also proved effective to make me write.
(Self-reminder: I'm not a teenager.
I'm 20 something and should be held responsible for every immature act.
Or thought. Whatever)


Anyway, this time I have this music video to share :)



Oh, tonight I'm feeling fine
I'm alone, just wasting time
No Friday movie nights
Or romantic candle lights

I'm just having conversations
With the thoughts in my head
All I hear are angels crying
Oh, won't they just sing instead
It would be wrong for me to say

I don't need that girl by my side
I don't need that girl in my life
I don't want to talk it out
Or hold her when she cries

I don't want to say she's my kind
I don't want to say that she's mine
I don't want to tell her that
I love her more than life
More than life, Yeah
Love her more than life
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Honestly, this won't do
How is she doing?
I tell myself I'm feeling swell
But I know I'm such a fool

I could take it as a new beginning
But you know I don't feel that way
Who will take all this pain away?
I know it's wrong for me to say
I don't need that girl by my side
I don't need that girl in my life
I don't want to talk it out
Or hold her when she cries


Okay, so this video it's not brand-new. I've seen it first time couple months ago.

But somehow I like this one because of, something.

Or someone.

So by now you should have known why I blog, rite ;)

But you see, it's not something I could hold on to.
I even should have known better than to let myself feel the way I do now.
I know that this is not what I need, nor I want,
and it's better not to start something I couldn't finish.
From all people, I should know better, I mean,
I once walked in and out ALIVE. And that was not easy.
Hell, it was the hardest moments of my life.

You might think I'm talking nonsense, so let me simplified.
I.. Like. Someone.
Yes it's a good thing, like some kind of personal mood booster to get me through a boring day.
But the problem is..
I know he's going to leave soon.
So what's on my mind is..

Why bother to fall
if no one's waiting at the bottom, who's gonna catch you then?

But the thought of him leaving just make me like him MORE.
It's sooo damn weird, man.
I keep telling myself that what I'm doing is.. Useless.
Suicidal, in a fatalistic point of view.
I keep asking myself..
How could I stop myself from.. Falling? Feeling?

I often wish I could fall IN more often.
So when I fall OUT of it, everything will be easier, less hurtful.
Like when you have to take a bitter medicine.
After some times, it would be less bitter because your tongue has gotten used to it.

But I just couldn't. I always see things different than other does.
What makes me fall it's not something perceivable.
It's a mixture of quality.. and something else I couldn't quite put my finger on.

Okay, I'm rambling around.

I just hope this time, goodbye will only cost me nobody to text and see every week.
Not a whole year waking up wetting my pillow or screaming from nightmares.

You know, sometimes I think the best way is not to feel too much.

Or simply not to feel. At all.

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